7 Essential Habits of People in Healthy Relationships 7 January 2019 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Therapy Healthy Relationships—They take work, self-awareness, and (frequent) communication. And that’s not all. Growing a budding relationship into a thriving one that feels good for everyone involved takes deliberate and focused attention. What we pay attention to grows, and our intimate relationships are no different. Whether you’re on your third date or you’ve been together for three decades, studies show that the more connected we are to our partners, the happier we are in all other areas of our lives. Those in the healthiest relationships have some key things in common. They practice relationship-building habits. And not just at the beginning of the relationship, but years into their intimate adventure too. Here are 7 habits to go deeper in your intimate relationships: 1. Lay on the praise Peek inside a healthy relationship and you’ll see an abundance of compliments and praise. They’ll do this publicly too—they aren’t afraid to show their appreciation for one another. They also talk about their partners in a positive light instead of complaining. The healthiest relationships focus on all the good things about their partner(s) instead of focusing on all the things they wish were different. 2. Prioritize connection People in healthy relationships regularly connect each day and every week—no matter what. No matter how busy life and work gets. In our practice, we’ve seen people taking regular after-dinner walks, making the time to connect over coffee in the morning, scheduling date nights and sticking to them. Even 20-minutes spent alone with your partner, distraction-free, even from bed, can do wonders to amp up the closeness factor of your relationship. To make the most of your conneting time, put all outside distractions such as your phone, computer, and all other screens away! If you have kids, an excellent opportunity to do this may be when they’re asleep for the night, or at Grandma’s. Doing so is good modeling for children too! When they’re old enough, direct the kids to avoid interrupting you because it’s your adult time to connect over coffee (or whatever else you’re connecting over!). 3. Laugh—a lot Having a sense of humour is essential for life, and possibly even more important for people in relationships. It’s hard to stay mad when someone can lighten the mood. Of course, leave the laughs out of the serious conversations, but the more you can weave some snorts and giggles into all your moments, the more connected your intimate relationship will feel. 4. See life from their eyes Great relationships are filled to the brim with empathy. They know how to put themselves in each other’s shoes. When people empathize with one another, they’re usually able to get past common misunderstandings that creep up in all relationships. Helping the other person feel seen, heard, and valued is a way to show you genuinely care. 5. Keep flirting Keep the fun and flirty interactions going long after the first few dates. When partners flirt with each other, they’re showing their love and excitement for life with each other. It simply feels good! Think about flirting as the long game, and not just when you’re hoping to get a date or get to the “next stage” of your relationship. 6. Think like scientists Constantly think of new ways you can look at your relationship. People in healthy relationships often think of it as having two or three relationships with the same person. Play and experiment with everything from your date nights to how to feel more connected. And when something doesn’t seem to be working, put your scientist hat on and get curious about what you could do differently or try next. 7. Stay forever curious It’s easy to get lost in the day-to-day hustle and take our loved ones for granted. When we combine this with the understanding that we’ll all change and grow throughout our lives, and if we’re not pausing to tune in, we could end up growing in different directions. Constantly stay curious and get to know your partner. Ask questions about what’s making them tick, what’s driving them, and then really listen. Here are some ideas to prompt a deeper discussion: What can I do for you right now to help you feel more loved? Have I done anything recently that may have unknowingly hurt you? Is there any kind of emotional or physical intimacy you feel is missing? How do you feel about our sex life lately? Is there anything stressing you lately and can I help alleviate that stress for you? Asking these questions may feel scary at first. Listen and stay open. Then sincerely thank them for sharing their thoughts—sharing often isn’t easy either! While these are just some examples of the habits that the people in the healthiest relationships regularly take on, there are countless other ways that you and your partner(s) can love each other through the tricky situations and deepen your connection. The best way to find your groove is to keep talking. Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you enjoyed this article you might like these too: How to start a meaningful conversation about sex Others will treat you the way you let them —3 keys to boundary-setting Sex therapy virgin? What to expect Do you have any questions for us? Or do you need some help with creating healthy habits in your relationship? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
Holiday Stress Tips 17 December 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Individual Therapy, Self Care, Therapy It’s the most wonderful time of the year… unless you are burnt out, over spending or anxious about seeing a family member! The holidays are wonderful, but they tend to come with some added stress for most of us. It is mostly because people tend not to have a lot of boundaries at this time of year. We believe we should put others’ needs ahead of our own; after all it is the season of giving, right? Well your therapist would tell you something different. At this time of year it is especially important to have some healthy boundaries. Our team at Bliss Counselling would strongly suggest using the following tips as a helpful guide to get you through this difficult time of year. Try not to take on too much. When possible, encourage people to bring a dish if you are hosting, or if you are visiting, try not to cram in going to too many places in the same day. Burning yourself out will not make your time enjoyable. Say no!!! If you feel like you have too many things on the go, it is ok to say no. No is an answer all in itself. You can always suggest another day or time in the future. Christmas Day is December 25th but we don’t have to fit everything and everyone into this ONE day. Don’t spend too much. Some of the most valuable gifts don’t include a price tag. One of the traditions in my family is an experience gift. Make your own gift card and suggest a day of tobogganing and hot chocolate. You will never regret spending time with your loved ones. Don’t isolate yourself. Some people find the holidays challenging because they feel left out. It is always good to get out rather than to stay at home. Find a place that brings you some joy. Walking through a park with Christmas lights or going somewhere you can listen to music It’s ok to honour lost loved ones, or those we can’t be close to during the holidays Try and stick to some of your daily routines that make you happy, like working out or enjoying a good book If you need to take space because you are upset at something that a family member said, or just overwhelmed with the number of people around you can always go for a walk or drive, or find a quiet space to sit alone. It’s ok to take a break from everything Make sure to check in with your partner prior to saying yes to things. This is always a good check point and allows your partner to be a part of the planning process. They may also provide you with a healthy reminder of when it might be time to say no to something. Written by Bliss Therapist Tammy Benwell. We know that the holidays can be stressful, and hope that these tips can provide some guidance to those experiencing anxiety during this busy time of year. If you’re looking for further support and wish to speak with a Bliss specialist, you can book an appointment here.
How to Manage Stress at Bedtime 19 November 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Guest Post, Inspiration, Self Care, Therapy Everyone deals with stress. It’s a part of daily life. And eight in 10 Americans say they feel stress sometimes or frequently during the day. Stress is a natural reaction to challenges. When we’re stressed, we get a boost of energy with an elevated heart rate and higher blood pressure. It’s nature’s way of offering support as we deal with threats or challenges. However, experiencing stress all day every day is not good for your health, and can result in increased cardiovascular risk, smoking, overeating, and headaches. Common sources of stress include politics, money, work, violence, and crime. But for some people, stress is debilitating, and can interfere with sleep quality. We may stay up at night thinking anxious thoughts, or find it difficult to get good quality rest while feeling particularly stressed. In fact, it’s common for adults who experience high stress to say they don’t sleep enough because their minds race at night. And 35 percent of teens, 31 percent of Millennials, and 27 percent of Gen Xers say stress keeps them up at night. And although stress can so easily interfere with sleep, getting a good night’s sleep can relieve stress. When we’re well rested, we’re more mentally and physically prepared to face the challenges of the day at full capacity. If we’re short on sleep, we may struggle to concentrate, manage emotions, or deal well with fatigue. What to Do to Relieve Stress and Sleep Well Combining stress relief and healthy sleep habits can offer a better night’s sleep and may improve your stress levels throughout the day. Take these steps for relief: Manage stress with relaxation practices. Proven stress relievers may make it easier to calm down and relax before bed and get a good night’s sleep. Practice yoga or meditation as part of a bedtime routine to wind down and release tension before it’s time to rest. Keep a journal next to bed. If stressful thoughts at night are a problem, a journal may help. Address fears. It’s ok to feel scared at night sometimes. Dark shadows, strange noises, and general uneasiness plague adults as well as children. Consider comfort items, such as a nightlight, which may make it easier to feel more secure at night. Commit to healthy sleep. Good sleep can support stress relief, so practice healthy sleep habits. Keep a regular sleep schedule and maintain a regular bedtime routine. Steer clear of pitfalls including late night screen time and caffeine. Get support for stress. No one has to go it alone when dealing with stress. Talk to friends, family, and counselors who can help when working through stressful situations that call for help. Eliminate stress as much as possible. Overdoing it can easily lead to stress, so it may be a good idea to cut back. If possible, eliminate stressful activities and prioritize commitments. Stress and sleep often go hand in hand, so improving one can often improve the other. Focus on managing stress and practicing healthy sleep habits to support good mental health. Sara Westgreen is a researcher for the sleep science hub Tuck.com. She sleeps on a king size bed in Texas, where she defends her territory against cats all night. A mother of three, she enjoys beer, board games, and getting as much sleep as she can get her hands on.
What Does it Mean to be Authentic? 22 October 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Individual Therapy, Inspiration, Relationships, Self Care, Therapy “Authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice – a conscious choice of how we want to live. Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” – Brené Brown Being authentic means feeling comfortable sharing your flaws and failures as much as your triumphs and successes, and that you don’t need to be liked by others to feel as though you matter. It is a true recognition that you matter regardless of what others think, and being able to embrace your weaknesses as much as your strengths. Being authentic means not striving to be what others expect us to be, or even what we think we are supposed to be, but rather loving the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. It means knowing that we can form opinions on our own, and to voice those opinions in a way that holds true to our values. Most importantly, being authentic means staying true to our core values, even when they are different from someone else’s. We have all had those moments where we faked being happy when what we really wanted to do was fall apart. Why do we do that? Because we have been programmed to believe that who we are isn’t enough, and that how we feel isn’t ok. We are taught very early in life that people will only truly like us if we present them with something that feels good to them. This fear often holds us back from being authentically ourselves. Imagine arriving to work, and when asked “how are you today?” you actually respond with how you are feeling; “I am feeling awful, my kids were having complete meltdowns” or maybe it sounds like, “my morning was horrible, my husband and I got into an argument”. Most of us would never say these things, even though they are exactly what we are experiencing and feeling. Of course there may be some people you aren’t willing to share that information with, and that’s okay too! Being authentic means doing and sharing what we feel when we want to, and with whom we want to share that with. Being authentic means not being scared to share those feelings in order to make others more comfortable, and sharing what we want to based on what we may need in that moment. Lastly, I want to emphasize that being authentic isn’t something that we have to search for, it is being exactly who we are. To each person this will look different, and that is what is so beautiful about authenticity! Written by Bliss therapist Tammy Benwell. Learn more about Tammy and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you liked this article you might enjoy these too: Others Will Treat You The Way You Let Them – 3 Keys to Boundary Setting Good News: There’s No Such Thing As Bad Feelings Why We Need to Stop “Agreeing to Disagree” Do you have any questions for us? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
Your Sex Life: What’s normal? 19 October 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays We’re inundated with rules every day, and in almost all areas of our lives. But when it comes to the rules of sex, there’s only one: There’s no such thing as “normal” sex. That’s right. It’s a complete myth. Perhaps you may be wondering: Is our sex life normal? These fantasies I keep thinking about—are they common? Is wanting sex this infrequently or frequently natural? Are all these ups and downs in my desire okay? Is it normal to have to schedule sex? The answers, in case you’re wondering, are—yes, normal, natural, and you’re perfect. If you have a health concern, of course, we recommend speaking with your primary care physician. With any medical concerns aside, there’s no normal when it comes to sex, and that’s wonderful news! That is, as long as all parties are able to consent and it doesn’t involve animals. Sex is a key part of our adult lives, and still, it can be a taboo topic in many social circles. As a result of putting sex-talk to the bottom of our lists, we don’t talk about it nearly enough. We need to be talking about sex more. Without conversations about sex, it can often lead to assumptions that leave us judging our sexual activity. It’s common to worry if you’re having enough sex, or too much, or if what you’re doing between the sheets is natural. These assumptions can also lead us into the comparison trap. We assume our friends are doing it more or less than you and your partner(s) are, and that can leave us feeling less than awesome and swirling in a pity party. Know this: whatever you’re doing in your intimate life, it’s healthy and natural. And millions of other people are doing the same. Getting intimate and having sex regularly is healthy, and a big sexual appetite is a sign of high energy, vitality, and sound hormone function. And, if you do discover that you’re having more or less sex than your neighbors, that’s perfectly okay. You get to decide what “normal” sex means to you and your partner(s). Whether you have sex 3 times a day or 3 times a year—it’s perfect if that’s what works for you. The most significant sex challenge we see in our practice within intimate relationships, is when one person wants sex more than the other(s). If there’s a desire discrepancy in your relationship, there are practical ways you can ask for the sex you want. This is also completely natural for our libidos to be more intense during certain phases of our lives, and it will ebb and flow throughout our relationships. Our advice to clients usually starts with clear and compassionate communication. The more you can open up and share your sensual wants and needs in your relationship, the deeper your connection and the stronger your bond will become. Keeping the conversation going about your sex life can help you create a deeper connection with your partner(s), and help you to feel confident in your sensual desires. Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you liked this article you might enjoy these too: 12 Reasons it Might be a Good Idea to See a Therapist Couples Therapy for Preventative Maintenance? Why it Works How to Ask for the Sex you Want in 8 Completely Practical Tips Do you have any questions for us? Or do you have questions about your sex life? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
How to Handle Financial Stress in your Relationship 1 October 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Individual Therapy, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Therapy It’s no secret that money problems can be a huge source of relationship strife — in fact, most surveys report money as the main source of stress in a relationship, and it’s easy to see why. If the money isn’t there, it can seep into every part of your life and affect every part of your day. From grocery shopping, to a friend’s birthday, to what you think about before you go to sleep, money is always there. It’s an incredibly difficult scenario to be in — but new research shows that it affects some of us more than others. Recent research from The Harris Poll and Ally Bank surveyed more than 1,400 American adults about where their relationship stress was coming from. Unsurprisingly, money came out on top. But in an interesting twist, the research found that young Americans were twice as likely as older Americans to say that money was the biggest cause of stress. While 44 percent of the younger adult group pointed to money, only 23 percent of the older adults said the same. With housing prices skyrocketing in recent decades and a pool of student loan debt you could drown in, Millennials are feeling the financial strain far more than Baby Boomers. The most difficult part? Well, as we know, money doesn’t grow on trees. If you’re already stretched to your limit and an unexpected bill lands on your door, there’s no magic fix. But there are things you can do to help keep money stress from wrecking your relationship. Here’s what you need to know: Educate Yourself Many of us are not financially savvy — because we simply didn’t receive the education. For some reason, we spent way more time on the Pythagorean theorem than learning about how to save money or file our taxes (and it’s pretty obvious which one we actually need as adults). If you haven’t already learned how to do these things, then you need to educate yourself. And, if your partner’s spending is stressing you out, remember that they probably need some help, too. “Most of the time, bad money habits come from either a lack of education because this stuff isn’t taught in school — which isn’t your fault of your partner’s,” Priya Malani, co-founder of Stash Wealth, a wealth management company, told Brides. “Seek out education and advice so you can see the financial impact of current behavior on your future self.” This might mean seeing a financial advisor, if you’re in a position to do so. If money’s too tight for that, start by checking out some money-saving websites and basic financial advice. There’s so much available online, so use it! Talk About Money — Think “Little And Often” Talking about money can take on a larger-than-life quality in some relationships. Maybe you never talk about it and you don’t know where to start — or maybe money is so stressful that every time it comes up it sends you both towards a meltdown. Either way, it’s time to normalize talking money. Start discussing it as early as you can in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to be in these huge, awkward conversations. “Little and often” is how you should talk about money, with small comments that bring it up on a regular basis. Whether it’s, “I’m really tight this month, do you mind if we don’t go out for dinner?” to “I really want to sort out my 401k and I don’t know where to start” or even, “I don’t think we can afford as big of a trip this year, should we sit down and crunch the numbers?” These little moments will normalize how you talk about money, so you’ll be in a better position for the big conversations. Look At Your Shared Expenses If you and your partner are serious, it may be time to have a look at your shared expenses. Maybe you each pay for a couple of the bills, maybe you transfer money into a joint account every month. Either way, going through the numbers together and looking for ways to save money — like changing to a new gas or electric company or cancelling that cable subscription you don’t use — can be a good way to open up the conversation about money and make sure you’re on the same page. Start Saving The best thing you can do to relieve your money stress it to start saving — yes, right now. It may not be a lot, it may seem totally insignificant, but it can be something. Even just twenty dollars a month adds up to $240 over the course of the year — which is a nice little cushion to have. If you have the means, putting a little away for retirement and a little away for money for something fun — a trip, a new purchase, or a house deposit — will help incentivize you to save. Focus On An Emergency Fund First Although day-to-day money stress can be excruciating, a lot of the panic and frustration comes in when you get an unexpected expense. The car breaks down, your child needs a filling, or you need a plumber to come and fix that hole that’s gotten way too big — whatever it is, it can be incredibly stressful and throw your entire equilibrium out of whack. If you can get together an emergency fund of even a few hundred dollars (more if you can afford it), you’ll be covered when an unexpected bill hits. Just make sure you replenish your emergency fund as quickly as you can. If money is tight for you and your partner, it’s totally normal for that to be a source of stress — but it doesn’t have to ruin your relationship. Educate yourself about managing your finances and get comfortable talking about money — because that’s half the battle. Written by Bliss therapist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. We know that talking to your partner about money can be uncomfortable, and having a third party to help navigate these difficult conversations can be extremely helpful! Our Bliss therapists are happy to help! Book an appointment here.
Sexy Friday: Pre-teen Sex-Ed and Healthcare Accessibility for Transgender Individuals 28 September 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Individual Therapy, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays, Therapy This week, join us for another Sexy Friday to talk about pre-teen sex education and healthcare accessibility for transgender individuals. On this episode, Kelly is joined by Stacey Jacobs again, a sexual health education manager at Sexual Health Options, Resources & Education – SHORE Centre. Deanna Clatworthy, nurse and clinical manager at HIV/AIDS Resources and Community Health (ARCH), in Guelph, Ontario is also on the show today to discuss the healthcare needs and supports available to transgender individuals. Stacey addresses talking to pre-teens about sex, and taking advantage of the many resources available to us. She explains that we shouldn’t avoid answering a question simply because we don’t know the answer. We have access to resources to help us answer these questions, so we should be working toward finding the proper answer to the questions our children ask, instead of avoiding or guessing the correct answer. Another very important suggestion Stacey makes is to watch TV shows and videos with your children. This ensures that you are aware of what they are watching, and can help them navigate complicated or incomplete information. Make sure to be engaged with them, ask them questions about what they are watching and challenge them to critically view the program to challenge the stereotypes. Allow them to talk about gender, gender roles and gender expression, and most importantly, let your child be themselves. Deanna joins Kelly to share with us the health care support that is available to transgender folks, and the knowledge that community members should be responsible for seeking out to ensure a comfortable environment for all. She also talks about gender affirming surgeries, providing further information on what surgeries are accessible and paid for, and the obstacles or lack of support that people may experience during this process. Finally, Deanna addresses the importance of using appropriate language, “It doesn’t cost you anything to call someone by their preferred name, but it means everything to them”. Watch the full episode for more information on these very important topics HERE! Guest Information: Stacey Jacobs Instagram: @shorecentrewr Deanna Clatworthy Twitter: @ARCHguelph
Sexy Friday: Menstruation, Sex Education and Therapy 21 September 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Self Care, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays This week’s Sexy Friday blog focuses on a number of important topics, including menstruation, strengthening relationships, and how chronic illnesses and disability affect self-love, relationships and sexuality. There is a lot of valuable information packed into this 30-minute episode of Sex Talk with Kelly, so we definitely recommend checking out the full episode! Kelly invited some wonderful guests to join her for this episode, including Kristen Schultz, a sex educator, activist and writer, Stacey Jacobs, a sexual health education manager at Sexual Health Options, Resources & Education – SHORE Centre, and Bliss Counselling’s very own Tammy Benwell. Kristen addresses the ways in which our education system has failed us with its lack of representation, explaining that the education we receive reflects a society that is solely abled, cisgendered, and reproductive focussed. In addition to these major concerns, Kristen explains how things become even more complicated for individuals with disabilities, or those suffering from illnesses. Kristen emphasizes the importance of conversations, “Be open. Open hearted and have open conversation”. We are so thankful for Kristen’s wealth of information, and willingness to share her own personal experience with chronic illness and sex. This is an important conversation that you will definitely learn so much from! Thanks, Kristen! Kelly is then joined by Stacey, who addresses the importance of talking about menstruation and how to talk to kids about sex. She explains that it is important for schools and families to provide appropriate information about menstruation, and the need to discuss it in a positive light so as not to scare or confuse young people. “It is important for people to feel empowered by their bodies, not annoyed or frustrated”. Addressing sex education, she explains that children model adult behaviour, and that it is important to be mindful of this and to model consent for your children by asking before you touch them, and reminding them to ask before they touch you. Additionally, it is important to be honest with children in an age appropriate manner. Lastly, she explains that it’s crucial to ask your children questions as well, and not to wait for them to ask you, because they may not. Finally, Kelly is joined by Bliss Counselling therapist, Tammy Benwell to talk about the strategies you and your partner can implement to strengthen your bond. Tammy explains that your relationship therapist is your supporter, lean on them to prevent the problems from getting worse. Tammy provides both individual and relationship therapy at Bliss Counselling. To watch the full episode, follow the link HERE! Guest Information: Kristen Schultz Twitter: @chronicsexchat Instagram: @chronic_self_love Stacey Jacobs Instagram: @shorecentrewr Tammy Benwell, Bliss therapist
Bliss Specialists Answer Questions About the Intensive Sex Therapy Training Program 17 September 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Individual Therapy, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Therapy Recently, Bliss specialists Farrah Kherani and Stacey Harris participated in the Intensive Sex Therapy Training Program at the University of Guelph. Although they were dearly missed around the office, they returned to Bliss with valuable knowledge to further support their clients! Below, Stacey and Farrah answer some of the burning questions that we had about their experience with the Intensive Sex Therapy Training Program. What sparked your interest in the intensive sex therapy course? Stacey: The course was highly recommended by Sex Therapists, Kelly and Lindsay. I have been working with individuals and couples that have struggled with their sexuality, and I wanted to be able to offer more resources and information. People have shared struggling with intimacy due to pervious trauma, having low desire, pain, infidelity and other struggles. I want to offer a space for individuals and couples to feel comfortable exploring their sexuality to discuss their desires, hopes and fears. Memories, emotions, thoughts and expectations have an enormous influence on pain. I offer hypnotherapy for pain management and I wanted to learn more skills related to sex therapy to incorporate into practice. Farrah: My colleagues at Bliss had been raving about this course, and I wanted to learn more about what Sex Therapy entails. I also wanted to learn about a different type of therapy that I could implement into my practice with individuals. Interestingly enough, many of the clients that I see come in for various reasons, and some of these reasons impact their sexuality and intimacy in their relationships with others. This course helped me expand my knowledge and skill set in order to help clients discover themselves as sexual beings, and work through any sexual struggles they may be facing. What did you enjoy most about the course? Stacey: I enjoyed meeting people from all over the world and hearing their stories. I’m grateful that I got to participate in a diverse group that sparked many light bulbs in my mind. It was an embodied experience that left me feeling more energized and motivated to help others. I enjoyed learning more about sensate focus and plan on incorporating hypnotherapy sensate focus to help individuals calm the nervous system, increase intimacy and build self-esteem. I plan on asking people what gives them pleasure more often. It may be sex or it may not, and that’s okay. Something that gives me pleasure every day is playing with my dog. Farrah: Such an exceptional course! I met so many professionals from various backgrounds and from as far away as Australia and Sweden. The content provided in this course was beyond what I had expected and I learned so much. It left me wanting to keep learning more. We were taught by well-informed professionals, which included; Sex Therapists and Researchers, a Pelvic Floor Therapist, an OBGYN/ Sexual Medicine Doctor, a Pharmacist, and an expert in Sexual Pleasure and Sexual Play. Each presenter brought a wealth of knowledge to this course and to my learning. We had some intense dialogues as well as lots of fun and laughter. What portion of the course did you find most informative to your practice (group discussions, practice therapy sessions, lectures or videos)? Stacey: I highly enjoyed the presenters that offered various perspectives. There was an OBGYN, Pharmacist, Consensual Non-Monogamy Researcher, Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist, Sexuality Coach and different therapists. I learned different skills from each person that I plan on incorporating into my practice. A quote that stands out to me by Albert Einstein, “Education is not the learning of facts. But training the mind to think.” The course was holistic and certainly opened my mind to various ideas, theories, medical information and strategies. I plan on offering clients a safe space to share about sexuality, and train the mind to think in different ways. Farrah: I would have to say that all of the presenters were informative to my practice. No questions were off limits, and I enjoyed and learned from the open dialogue among the group and the presenters. Group discussions offered a variety of perspectives. We were given the opportunity to witness an actual sex therapy session, which provided an in depth view of what types of concerns and trauma clients may have experienced, and how this impacts them as sexual beings. I also learned more about how the dynamics of the act of sex changes in relationships over time and while individuals age. One particular video that stands out which really informed my practice was “Naked on the Inside”. I would highly recommend watching this. Could you share a resource that you used during the course that you found especially interesting/helpful to your learning? Stacey: Naked On The Inside Documentary- Six individuals share their stories about body image issues and dig deep into their vulnerabilities to create inner healing. Farrah: “Want”- Lori Erikson. This video describes the realities of homosexuality and aging. Documentaries such as this inform us on how homosexuality can affect our ability to get appropriate personal care, and how individuals feel they have to go back ‘into the closet’ in order to get into a proper care facility. Written by Bliss therapists, Stacey Harris and Farrah Kherani. Are you interested in booking an appointment with Bliss? Find more information about doing so HERE!
Sexy Friday: How to Ask for the Sex You Want in 8 Completely Practical Tips 14 September 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays, Therapy Is your sex life only, “pretty good”? Do you wish your partner(s) would do something a little (or a lot) different in bed? Maybe you’ve fallen into a rut with the same old positions, or your routine looks the same every time, leaving you craving a little variety. Whatever your sensual desires, wanting something more or even completely different is totally normal. Approaching these topics with a partner can feel a little uncomfortable and awkward at first, but the more you flex those communication muscles, the easier it will be to spark a discussion about sex. Know that you’re responsible for your pleasure, so if you’d like to heighten, diversify, or intensify your sexual experience, you’ve got to ask for it! As nice as it would be, your partner(s) can’t read your mind. It’s time to ask for the sex you want. Here are some ideas to broach the topic: Change can be uncomfortable—embrace it! When you maintain the status quo, it can be all too easy to fall into a rut—the bedroom included! In our practice, we’ve worked with many people who have been enduring sex that doesn’t light their fire—sometimes for years, all because they were too afraid to speak up and ask for what they needed. While it may feel awkward at first, we promise you that it will get easier the more you embrace the discomfort—because that’s where you’ll find the most significant growth. Build trust. You may be nervous to ask for the sex that you want out of fear of being judged. At the foundation of your relationship, you should find trust, respect, and open communication. And with a solid foundation in your relationship, you can approach sexual discussions with honesty. If you trust that your partner(s) won’t hold judgments in other areas of your life, then it’s vital to trust that they also won’t judge when it comes to sex. By being courageous and forthcoming in your relationship, you’re giving your partner permission to do the same—further setting the precedent for trust and vulnerability in your relationship. The time and place matters. When you’re in the moment and want your partner to make a quick adjustment—more of that, less of this, slower, faster—that’s totally cool to bring it up while you’re between the sheets. If you’re bringing up an entirely new topic or a potentially sensitive topic, the best time to ask is when you’re not in the middle of sex. Approach the discussion when you’re both feeling relaxed and comfortable—perhaps while settling in for an evening on the couch, you’re out to dinner or going for a bike ride. This way, you can offer your partner a pressure-free environment to process and respond to your request. Even when you’re relaxed, mention that you would like to plan a time that works for both you to talk about your sex life… so you are both prepared and in the right frame of mind to be vulnerable and listen… really hear one another Be crystal clear. Before beginning your conversation, consider if what you’re asking for is clear. Get specific with your request. Instead of asking for “more foreplay,” you could suggest that you kiss and play for 30 minutes before getting down to it. By telling your partner(s) precisely what you’re craving, you’ll leave less room for miscommunication. Allow your partner to ask clarifying questions too—if they need to understand better where your request is coming from, spend the time to help them properly understand. Keep it positive. Approach your sexy requests with positivity. You can try out a “compliment sandwich.” Begin by saying something along the lines of, “I love how good you feel when you’re on top of me. And it would feel incredible for me if we could spend a little more time in that position. I feel so alive when we’re done.” This is a much friendlier approach than only throwing criticisms their way. Make sure you also focus on what’s working great—because you want more of that! Even if you’re asking for what you want while you’re in the act, focus on what’s working and not only on what’s not turning you on. Give more than you get. After you’ve asked your partner for something, make sure you leave it open so that you can return the favour. Ask them what they’d love in bed. What more can you do to enhance their pleasure? For every ask, encourage your partner to make a request as well to keep building those emotional bonds and practicing give-and-take. Show Appreciation. When it’s working well—say so. Notice and express your appreciation where your partner is trying to fulfill your requests. Instead of responding with more demands, first, focus on what you loved and make sure they know that you appreciate their efforts. Your relationship can continue to grow when you both learn to ask each other for what you want and need without condemning them. Practice Makes It Easier Asking for what we crave takes practice. As you start to settle into expressing your desires regularly, every ask won’t feel so awkward or uncomfortable. And remember, if your partner isn’t ready to fulfill your request (yet), be okay with hearing, “no,” and move on. Keep the dialogue going regarding your sex life to make sure you’re all on the same page, and everyone feels secure enough to speak up when the urge strikes. Regularly set time aside to focus on strengthening your bond by building trust and honing your communication skills in your relationship. Make sure you’re having regular heart-to-heart conversations to express each of your relationship needs. As you get more practice expressing what you want, these conversations will start to feel easier to approach over time. Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. Are you a new Sexy Friday reader? We don’t want you to miss anything! Check out some of our previous Sexy Friday blog posts: Sexy Friday: Open Relationships, Masturbation and Sex Toys Sexy Friday: 9 Secrets of Becoming an Epic Lover Sexy Friday: Kink, BDSM and Polyamory
Others Will Treat You The Way You Let Them —3 Keys To Boundary-Setting 10 September 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Self Care, Therapy You know those people, the ones that when you’re having a conversation with them, you find yourself taking a few steps back because they’re all up in your face? That’s a physical boundary that they just crossed. Boundaries are physical and emotional. Think of emotional boundaries like your invisible bubble of how close (or far) you prefer people to hang out in. Our boundaries help define who we are, determine what we’ll put up with, and keep us safe from undesirable behaviour from others. Your job is to communicate your boundaries with others clearly. Your boundaries will vary from relationship to relationship, while you can’t change people, you can encourage them to change how they behave around and interact with you. Halting undesirable behaviour As an example, let’s say your new love interest has been late for your past three dates. You can’t control if they’re late for all their appointments, but you can make it clear that dates with you need to begin on time. The unwanted behaviour is about what’s not cool with you — “It’s not okay for me when people aren’t on time.” Often, people react with their emotions first and respond with complaining, anger, or nagging. They’re often responding in one of three ways; passive, aggressive, or everyone’s favourite—passive-aggressive. A passive response would be to let the unwanted behaviour continue, staying hush on the outside while a storm is raging inside of you. The boundary-breaker is none the wiser and you feel bent out of shape on the inside. If you were responding with aggression, you might counter with blame, or attack them. Imagine lecturing your date with a tirade while you stomp your feet. You look like a fool and they might be completely bewildered. In a passive-aggressive response, you’d be responding with aggression, but your body language would appear non-threatening. Think sarcasm, guilt-trips, and half-smiles. People often engage in passive-aggressive behaviour so that they can be subtle in their attack. It communicates their unhappiness but doesn’t share what they want and need. Instead of reacting, choose to respond with confidence with kindness. You still have emotions around the event and might be angry, and this is entirely okay. It’s your response that you can control, and when you communicate your boundaries effectively and kindly, others will be more likely to hear and respect them. Your intention here is to build or grow a relationship in a way that avoids shaming or blaming your partner(s). It’s not about being right. It’s about the other person changing their actions around you. The next time someone crosses your boundaries, here are some positive and constructive ways to respond: Make others aware of their actions. The offender may not even realize that they’ve offended you, so responding in this way helps make them aware. You could say with your late date, “When you’re late for our dinner dates, I feel slighted.” Ask for what you want. It’s all too easy to think people can read our minds (wouldn’t that be so much easier?) You can ask for what you want calmly and specifically. As an example, you could state, “I’d really love it if you’d arrive for dinner on time, or let me know in advance if you are running late.” Head for the door. If the other person is too emotional to handle a calm and adult conversation, your best bet may be to remove yourself from the situation. If you’ve stated your displeasure and asked for what you want and the response makes you uncomfortable, you have permission to leave. Others treat you the way you let them. This is fantastic news, because you have the power to ask for what you want. Showing others how to treat you and what behaviour you accept is essential to set up healthy boundaries. Don’t be alarmed if some people feel offended. Continue to hold your ground politely. The more you make boundary-setting a habit, the easier and more natural it will feel to you. Written by Bliss therapist, Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you enjoyed this article you might like these too: Sex Therapy Virgin? What to Expect How to Start a Meaningful Conversation About Sex The Power of Me Time Do you have any questions for us, or need some help setting up healthy boundaries? Maybe there is someone in your life who makes boundary-setting a challenge? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here
Sexy Friday: Sexual Trauma, Divorce and FAQ! 7 September 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays Welcome to another Sexy Friday at Bliss Counselling! We are confident that you are going to love what we have in store for you this week! Today we are sharing another fun and informative episode of Sex Talk with Kelly on Rogers TV! On this episode, Kelly is joined by special guests Keri Martin Vrbanac, a registered physiotherapist and pelvic health physiotherapist, as well as Roger Macintosh, a lawyer at Rabideau Law. Before the episode is over, Kelly will be joined by Jo Flannery to answer some of their most frequently asked questions! Keri joins Kelly to talk about sexual trauma and pelvic health, explaining that sexual trauma is quite common for all genders. On this episode, Keri provides some insight on how she works with survivors, emphasizing the importance of creating a survivor friendly environment in order to ensure that everyone receives a positive medical experience that supports healing from past abuse. Roger Macintosh is on Sex Talk with Kelly to talk about mediation and litigation divorce, explaining that separation agreements will help set the expectaions clear so that there are no surprises when it comes to child support, custody, assests, and so on. He also explains the difference between mediation and court, explaining that mediation can be a helpful way to resolve issues in a much less aggressive arena and in a way that can ultimately be cheaper for both parties. However, he explains that this process will require significant cooperation between spouses. Lastly, the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Jo Flannery and Kelly answer the most frequently asked questions about size, porn, fantasies and more! Are you interested in hearing what these experts have to say? Check out the full video HERE! Guest Information: Keri Martin Vrbanac Facebook page: A Body In Motion Rehabilitation Twitter: @ABIMpelvicPT and @abodyinmotion1 Roger Macintosh Twitter: @rabideaulaw Instagram: @rabideaulawcanada Jo Flannery Twitter: @SEXOLOGYMag Instagram: @sexologyin