What’s Your Bliss? Episode 1 with Valentina 10 November 2022 Jess Boule No comments Categories: Communication, Guest Post, Podcast, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Workshops Welcome to What’s your Bliss – a podcast on what’s coming up in gender, sex and relationships, directly from our couch! Each episode our therapists will share stories, ideas, theories, perspectives and questions, intended to feed your curiosity about what brings you Bliss! For our first episode, Valentina Messier describes how she uses Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) in relationship and sex therapy! Considering multiple perspectives and the situation, anchoring yourself, and knowing your individual and relational values can be helpful tools that support your communication and the level of intimacy you share in your partnerships. LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE: https://www.blisscounselling.ca/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/001.mp3 FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT: Jess: Hey there! I’m Jess and this is What’s Your Bliss. [Intro Music] Jess: Welcome everyone to our very first episode of What’s Your Bliss, hosted by yours truly and on behalf of Bliss Counselling + Psychotherapy in Uptown Waterloo. What’s your Bliss is a podcast on what’s trending in sex and relationships, directly from our couch. I’ll go ahead and disclose right away that I am not a therapist, however I am a sex educator and activist and I have been working for Bliss for about 3 years now. When I started at Bliss, I was a Client Service Team member. I would sit at the front desk and chat quite a bit with our clients and then of course, our therapists. In probably about a minute or less I would learn so much about each of our therapists, who they are personally and professionally. I was then able to share some of these ideas with our clients calling in, which helped so much when they were looking for a therapist who could be a really great fit. At the time, when I first started working for Bliss, we probably only had about 8 therapists on our team. But, over the past few years we have grown into a roaster of about 30. Despite the challenges that COVID brought, our team somehow still has the same, if not deeper sense of intimacy that comes with being a small clinic. And now that there is more of us and we have so many more opportunities to connect (which I’ve got to say I am so grateful for!), there’s also a lot more ideas to share. I hear you asking, “Why am I not doing what I was doing before, why start a podcast and bring all of you into it.” Well, I’m no longer on the front desk. We’ve actually hired some new and wonderful people who are now flourishing and making that a role of their own. And while, I am still connecting with our therapists regularly to witness and to learn so many valuable insights from them – like a true educator or maybe even a really oddly proud parent, I have this idea or this need to share with all of you the stories, ideas, theories, perspectives and questions about sex and relationships that I hear in a day. So keep in mind that these are super informal conversations. We are not doing therapy here! But, our chats are intended to support your connection and to feed your curiosity about what might be your bliss. However, if you might like to speak to one of our therapists, give our office a shout! Those wonderful folks that I was mentioning before they would be super happy to help you out with finding someone on our team who could be a really great fit. So I guess with all that being said and out of the way with – are you ready for our first episode? Because I sure am! I have been waiting on this for a few months now. So let’s get this thing started with our very own Valentina to learn more about her bliss, which is the use of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy as a therapeutic tool or approach. So Valentina, maybe we could kick this thing off with you telling us a little bit about you first. Aside from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy what else is your bliss? Valentina: Yeah, so I can tell you about myself. I guess the obvious is that I am a Registered Psychotherapist here at Bliss. Um, but outside of work, I am also a cat-mom, I am a mom to be and I consider myself, creative. So I love like incorporating that in almost everything that I do. Whether it’s like cooking or um, doing some creative writing. Uh yeah… Jess: I didn’t know you got into creative writing. Valentina: I do yeah, it’s more just for myself as a means of expression, it’s not really anything I share with other people, but… Jess: Totally! So we’ll edit this out, you’re like, “Do not talk about my creative writing.” But that’s so cool. Like, what kind of things do you write about though? Just out of curiosity, I’m just being nosey now. Valentina: Yeah, so for me a lot of it is poetry. I like the word play component and… Jess: Yeah. Valentina: I usually try to draw from like feelings. So… Jess: Cancer right? Valentina: Yeah! Jess: Yes! This is um my partner, she like absolutely loves poetry and I feel this for anyone who either writes poetry or like really loves reading poetry is that they get like such higher, I don’t know how to say this, it’s like this higher vibration of thoughts. And she just gets so intentional with the words, like even with song lyrics and everything too, like…It’s so incredible. Valentina: Yeah, that’s like the first thing I pay attention to when I hear new music is like the lyrics and what story is being told. So. Jess: Yeah Valentina: That’s interesting Jess: And I’m sure that’s really like the perfect segue too because I’m sure that’s a lot of the skill that you bring into your therapy sessions. Valentina It is! It is and I think that in general, I have a curiosity about people and their stories and I try to bring that into our therapy sessions and I like to have a person centred approach and a strengths based approach when working with people. But, I also love to explore thoughts and feelings and get to know more of the context around a person and their life. So… Jess: And is that like… is that what drew you to ACT as well or? Like how does that fit in? Valentina: Definitely! It is something that has drawn me to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Um, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy looks a lot at context. Um sometimes the things that we do in one situation might not be appropriate in another situation or the thoughts that we have during one period of our life may not be the same thoughts that we have later in life. And so, I just love looking at the big picture and how everything fits into that um … and looking at which factors in our lives motivate us. Whether it’s the feelings, whether it’s life circumstances and what that motivation leads to as far as what action we’re taking. And how that fits into the life that we want to create for ourselves. Jess: Yeah, if I’m understanding correctly, just like, ACT can help somebody almost not to think so black and white maybe. Valentina: Definitely! I think a lot of times when we find ourselves thinking black and white, we miss a lot of what’s actually happening. So I do encourage people to kind of explore that grey area, in between the black and white and ask questions like, “Well, what purpose does this thought have in my life or this behaviour have in my life?”; “How is it serving me?”; “What about my situation right now is leading me to feel the way I am feeling or act the way I am acting?” Jess: Mhmm. So you can really hear that piece around the values coming in, like “What are my values and is that actually in line with my values?” Valentina: Exactly. Jess: Umm… Is this something that you feel as though comes up with like premarital sessions that you do? Valentina: One thing I notice with couples, when it comes to communication, I catch people having these mental rules. Um, sometimes one partner feels things have to be run a certain way or be done a certain way and the other partner has a completely different mental rule for themselves and for how things need to be taken care of. Um, so it can be so useful to come back to values and ask what is the shared vision for the future of this relationship and what are the shared values that you both have and is sticking to these rules or clinging tightly to them, serving that shared vision, serving the relationship. Once we build awareness around our own thinking or these mental rules, it’s a little bit easier to let go of them and realize “Okay you know what, maybe I have these rules because of my own upbringing and the things I was exposed to myself. My partner has different rules because of their upbringing, their context and we don’t have to let that divide us. We can connect over something that is more meaningful and more important for us. Jess: I suppose though, I am curious if it, if ACT comes up with sex, but I also don’t know if that’s been coming into your sessions at all. Valentina: So I think that ACT can play a role with regards to issues around sex, I think a lot of times we get caught up in our head and that can take away from being fully present when we’re trying to sexually engage with a partner. Sometimes building awareness around our own thinking and realizing we might be having thoughts like, “My partner should be the one initiating” or “I don’t feel attractive” um, then we can better understand like what our barriers are and what’s getting in the way. And with ACT a big component is actually mindfulness practice. So learning to detach from some of those thoughts a little bit and shift your focus with some flexibility more towards the experience in the moment and one way of kind of detaching from those thoughts that might not be serving you in the moment when you’re trying to be sexually intimate with a partner is simply noticing and naming – which seems pretty um I guess simplest, but by saying I’m noticing my mind is having the thought that I’m not attractive or I’m noticing my mind is making a judgment about my partner. Even that moment of time where you’ve stepped back and noticed your thinking, that provides you with an opportunity where you can be conscious about what happens next. So if we bring it back to values, if sex is important to you because you value that connection with your partner, then you can ask “Is buying into this thought or buying into this judgment bringing me closer to that?” Or should I give myself permission to let go of that and try to focus in on what will actually bring me closer. Jess: And so what would you say could be the differences I suppose between ACT, CBT, DBT. Valentina: Yeah, that’s a really good question. With ACT, CBT, and DBT, there are some similarities. Like all of these approaches examine behaviours, thoughts, feelings but there are some differences. Um, one of the most notable differences between ACT and CBT is the way that we approach our thinking. So in CBT a lot of times what we are encouraged to do is challenge the content of the thoughts we have. So, I”ll give an example, if you have a thought, “I’m not good enough” and I think that’s a pretty common thought most people can relate to. CBT might encourage you to look for evidence that you are good enough and to try to counter that thought or to change that thought into something different. Um, whereas with ACT the aim is rather than assessing the content of the thought, we look at the function of the thought. So for some people, CBT can be helpful they’re able to kind of disprove their thought and they feel better but sometimes that’s not enough and they still find themselves feeling not good enough. With ACT if you’re looking at function rather than asking if this thought is true or is this thought false, what you’re doing is asking, “Is this thought helpful for me?”; “Is this serving me?”; “Is this bringing me closer to who I want to be or the life I want to have?” Regardless of whether or not it’s true or false. Jess: Yeah, yeah, I can absolutely see that and especially in the examples you have given now. If I’m feeling like, maybe that low self-esteem, body kind of feeling and I’m judging myself I might try to change my thought pattern to be like, “Well, I can see my partner is really enjoying this, so it’s okay!” Valentina: Exactly! So you’re looking for evidence like, “My thought is false clearly, like my partner is liking this so they must be attracted to me.” And so those are instances where CBT can be helpful but sometimes though it has its limits, where even when somebody is recognizing that the brain is pretty powerful and will say, “Well that doesn’t mean that your attractive.” It will kind of mess with you a bit. Jess: Exactly! That’s what I was going to say, it’s almost like there’s a lack of validation in it of being like, that thought is also okay, right? Valentina: Right! Jess: But does it actually serve what I’m trying to do here or the goal that I’m trying to achieve, essentially. So is that where ACT gets its name from…? Like Acceptance and– Valentina: Commitment Therapy. It is related to that. ACT is a third wave cognitive behaviour therapy. The first wave of cognitive behaviour therapy was the behaviour component and then the second wave was the cognitive component and now this third wave focuses on acceptance. So we shift away from trying to get rid of unwanted feelings and broaden our focus to incorporating more meaningful action and accepting those feelings in our life and I want to clarify that a lot of people don’t like hearing accepting unwanted feelings, but what I mean by accepting is acknowledging that they are part of our reality not necessarily approving of them. Like clearly, they are unwanted- you’re not approving of them but recognizing when we have no control of that. Most of us might wish we had like a delete button in our brain where we could just get rid of thoughts we don’t want or get rid of feelings that are bothersome to us, but we don’t have that power. So a lot of our control actually lies within our actions which is part of why we call it ACT and um, part of letting go of that struggle is accepting, the acceptance part, um what the reality is and then we commit to values guided action. So it is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Jess: Yeah! Um. Who do you think could benefit from ACT? You know? Like I know we’ve talked about um folks in relationships or doing premarital counselling or folks who it sounds like, may be having some challenges with sex and intimacy with their partner. Uh…who else could be like a really good fit for ACT? Valentina: Yeah so, I may be biased because I love this approach, but I think that most people would benefit from ACT. And the reason why I think this is because so much is based on function. Like all of us have the capacity to ask ourselves how things are working in our lives. Um, and we all have the capacity to explore our personal values and those things that add a sense of meaning to our lives. Um, sometimes when we utilize like a thinking sort of approach where we’re sort of examining our thoughts we might get the feedback that, that sort of top-down, using the tops of our brains and trying to move down approach doesn’t work for people who are experiencing trauma or trying to get through post traumatic stress. However, with ACT there is this experiential component as well, which is that mindfulness piece where we get in touch with the sensations of the body. Um, so I think even for those individuals, ACT can be effective. So it’s kind of both a top-down and a bottom-up approach. Jess: Yeah. Valentina: I love using it, when I am working with individuals who have anxiety or depressive symptoms. I also find it helpful when someone’s had like a big transition in their life or if they’re trying to make a decision like, “Do I stay in this relationship, do I leave?”or “Do I stay in this job or do I look for something else?” Um, I think if you’re feeling like you’re struggling to kind of have your actions align with where you want to be in life then ACT would be a great approach for you. Jess: Yeah, so anyone who is basically feeling kind of stuck – a little stuck right now. Valentina: Yeah, it’s great for that for sure. Jess: Oh, well I can buy into that! Um.. Oh actually that was something, when you were mentioning the piece around um it either being like top-bottom or bottom-up or bottom to top, and that there’s like an ability for like using ACT to regulate emotions, is that… was I understanding that correctly? Valentina: Mhmm. Yes. Jess: Okay, so something that I think heard a lot with ACT is dropping Anchor! Valentina: Yes, yes. I love this concept of dropping anchor. It’s also known as grounding, but I like calling it dropping anchor too because it kind of conjures up this image of a storm, like an emotional storm and you are dropping anchor to steady yourself. You’re not getting rid of the storm, you’re just dropping anchor to keep yourself steady. You’re not getting rid of unwanted things, but you’re able to manage in that context and so dropping anchor is essentially is getting in touch with your senses. So it might involve on the movement in your body as you’re breathing it could involve sounds around you or visually what is surrounding you. I love focusing on points of contact or like the feeling of my feet against the floor or my back against the chair. The reason why we focus on these things is because they are all happening in the here and now and they’re easily accessible. So it can really be something that is useful when we find ourselves in a storm and uh, there is research behind mindfulness as well with regards to changing brain structures. So, actually if you practice dropping anchor with some consistency you can reduce the size of the amygdala in your brain, and that’s kind of that survival response centre. Jess: Yeah! Valentina: So that results in less intense anxiety experiences for people. Jess: Absolutely – I had no idea that it could reduce the size of the amygdala! That in and of itself is really incredible. Holy! Valentina: Yes, I love incorporating dropping anchor and any sort of mindfulness practice for that reason. Jess: I bet and that was the thing… what appealed to me with this dropping anchor idea is that it’s one of those handy tools where you can take it anywhere with you. Valentina: Yes! Jess: You know, what I mean? I’ve heard of folks who um, use it line at the cash and they are starting to feel impatient or frustrated in that moment and then they’re like, “Okay, this is a moment when I need to drop anchor.” Valentina: Oh yeah! Or when you’re like stuck in traffic and finding yourself frustrated, Jess: Oh God yeah, I could have used an anchor today. Absolutely! You know I’ve heard of, I’ve heard of ACT being used as you’re saying like we’ve gone through individual and now we’ve talked about relationship sessions – it’s also been used in groups right? Valentina: It has been! And I actually co-facilitate a group with one of my colleagues. Um, and there are some unique benefits of group work versus individual. So of course in an individual setting when you’re using ACT with a therapist, you get that full hour of air time, you get to explore on a deep level some of your own life experiences and your personal values, which is wonderful. Uh. A group setting however, has a lot of benefits that you don’t necessarily get in the individual group. When you’re working with a group you have this gift of different perspectives so it allows you to more easily see things in a new light. At the same time, hearing from other people, you start to recognize that you have a shared experience. Where before you might have felt alone in your experience now there are these other people who are sharing with the group that they also resonate with those same feelings so it can be a really validating experience to be working with a group. I think it’s also the preference for some people who don’t necessarily feel comfortable having all of the air time, they’d rather be a listener at times and then share when they feel comfortable, um, so that’s another perk of working in a group. There are some differences as well with the group, my colleague and I, we have an agenda for each week and there’s a psychoeducation component. We do start each session with a mindfulness exercise and then we allow for some various exercises around values and some discussion so it’s a little bit more structured than what you might find individually. Ideally, doing both would probably cover all the bases and be great. Jess: That’s incredible! And does anybody need anything to prepare for the group? Is there any homework they should do before jumping into a group setting? Valentina: So we usually have a 15 minute consult with people who are interested, where we talk about what to expect with the group. There’s not really any homework that needs to be done, Sheila and I – my colleague and I, we’re pretty prepared and we guide people through it so there’s nothing really to be afraid of. Jess: Oh that’s incredible, so me, if I don’t know my values and I’m feeling stuck – I’m all set to go? I can jump right into this course? Valentina: Right! We’ve got some tools to help identify values. Jess: Amazing! Well thanks so much Valentina for doing this with me! Valentina: Yeah, thanks so much for having me! Jess: And thank you all so much for joining us and for listening to our first episode here with Valentina. Like I said at the very beginning if you are looking to book an appointment either with Valentina or with another one of our therapists here at Bliss or to join in on some of our group therapy sessions that we’ve got going on, please give us a call at the office or send us an email. I hope that you all have a blissful rest of your days! [Outro Music] DID YOU ENJOY THE SHOW? LET US KNOW! Share your feedback with the author of the show, Jess Boulé (jess@blisscounselling.ca) or leave us a review on LibSyn!
What to Ask During a Consultation 8 March 2022 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Individual Therapy, Relationship Therapy, Therapy, Uncategorised The consultation is a short and free phone call, approximately 15 minutes. This brief meet and greet is a great way to determine if a therapist will be a good fit for you. For the most part, consultations are informal and a way to get to know each other. It’s an opportunity for the therapist to get a sense of what your presenting challenge is or why you are seeking therapy. A therapist has an ethical duty to refer you to other therapists if they don’t feel as though they have the competency (i.e., skills, knowledge, etc.) to effectively work with you to meet your goals. Therapy and/or treatment does not take place during the consultation. The “work” begins when the first full session is booked, after the consultation. Instead, the consultation is a great opportunity for you to ask any questions that you may have about payment, schedules or the therapist’s competency with your presenting challenge(s) (e.g., client experience, education, therapeutic style and tools, and how they may approach treatment given your goals for seeking therapy). What Questions Should I Consider Asking? The consultation is not solely about the therapist providing you with their ideas for a treatment plan. You’ll need to consider whether you feel as though you are able to open up to them fully. We’ve created a list of questions to help with figuring this out! Keep reading to check it out ⬇ You won’t have time during the consultation to ask each and every one of the questions below, and there are likely questions you will also come up with that are specific to your lived experiences or what you are looking for in a therapist. In this case, it might help to select only those questions from the list that feel most important to you and/or to bring other questions to the consultation that may help you with deciphering whether this therapist could be a good fit, that is, that you’ll be able to be completely honest and transparent with them during your sessions. Some of these questions may also already be included in the therapist’s online bio. Feel free to research the therapists you’re interested in working with first, to see if you can find this information before bringing it up during your brief call. Click on the links below for examples! Where did you go to school and what did you study/Do you specialize in the challenges I am facing? How are you qualified to treat my problem? How are you a specialist in this area? Have you supported others like myself? If so, what was the outcome in those cases? What types of treatment styles would you consider using during our time together? How important is it for you to know about my past, my family, my relationships? Who will be talking more, you or me? Are you confrontational in your therapeutic style? Will you provide me with homework or assignments? Have you personally experienced the challenges I am facing, and how do you believe that will impact our sessions? How long have you been in practice? How often should I plan to see you? How many sessions do you believe it will take to reach my goals? How much will each session cost and do you offer direct billing to my extended health insurance provider? What is your cancellation policy? How will I know if our time together is working? Do you feel as though I could be a good fit? Is there any reason you feel I should consider finding another therapist and if so, could you provide me with a few referrals to reach out to? It is important to keep in mind that most of the health profession is predominantly made up of people who experience the most privilege. If you’re a person who experiences discrimination or society in a different way, such as a person of colour, a person who is part of the LGBTQI2S+ communities, an immigrant to Canada, etc., you will want to ask as many questions as possible in order to understand whether the therapist is culturally competent or sensitive to your unique needs. For example: Have you worked with someone like me before/what are your experiences with my identity and/or culture? What work have you done to learn more about my identity/cultural experiences? How are you continuing to learn about my identity/cultural experiences? Are you currently aware of the political events and the issues that I face? Do you operate from a racial justice and/or sexual and gender inclusive framework? Do you believe that we will be able to build a rapport based on trust, why or why not? Would you feel comfortable with me discussing the oppressions and discrimination I have experienced by those who you may identify or associate with? Do you receive a consultation with supervisors or other therapists who identify similarly to myself or share my cultural experiences? How do I know if a Therapist is a Good Fit? The fit is really important. Research has shown that a positive rapport between the therapist and client leads to greater treatment success and positive outcomes for the client. CLICK HERE to read more. If this is your first time seeking out therapy, try booking a free consultation with multiple therapists, that way you can really compare and contrast who is going to be the best fit for you. When shopping for a therapist, it helps to make a shortlist (e.g., your top 3). Select those who you feel could be the most supportive, given the reason you are seeking therapy. The majority of therapists are happy to set up an initial consultation to determine fit. During and after your consultation, you’ll want to reflect on how the meeting went. Check in with yourself to make sure that you actually want to move forward with the therapist. Here are some more questions to reflect on, to help with the decision-making process. Do I feel safe being vulnerable or authentic with this therapist? Do I feel as though I could trust this therapist? Do I feel comfortable with their body language and/or communication style? Do I feel heard or understood? Does this therapist seem knowledgeable and are they able to share their thoughts clearly/am I understanding them? Do I enjoy spending time with them or do I want to continue talking to them? Do I feel engaged? Does this therapist seem empathetic and compassionate? Does this therapist seem like my ally? Do our schedules align? How often are they able to fit me into their schedule (e.g., bi-weekly or monthly) and does this align with my own timelines for achieving my goals? Are the services offered by this therapist covered by my extended health benefits plan or provider? Are there any barriers or hurdles to booking appointments with them? If you answer “no” to most of these questions, or if you don’t have a good gut feeling overall, then continue to hold consultations with other therapists until you do. However, if you keep feeling uncomfortable, even after speaking with multiple therapists, then there may be more to check in on. Therapy, in general, can bring up nervousness or anxiety, especially if you have never seen a therapist before. It’s important to identify this feeling and acknowledge that it may not go away for at least the first 3 sessions until you develop a rapport with a therapist. What Next? Sometimes, the therapist that we really want to work with is very much sought after and will have a waitlist for new clients. When meeting during the consultation, ask the therapist how long they estimate before you will be able to meet. Given the estimation, you will be able to determine whether you would like to be added to their waitlist for when an appointment becomes available. If you decide that you need more immediate support, you may request referrals to other local therapists who may or may not have more immediate availability. Otherwise, if you decide to take a seat on the waitlist, just remember that there is no guarantee that a spot with this therapist will become available within that time period. It is very difficult to determine the wait period as it depends on a few variables. For instance, it’s not always known as to how long it could take for the therapist and their current clients to complete their work together. Once you have found the therapist you would like to work with and they do have availability to see you, the next step is to book your first three to four sessions. Booking multiple sessions at one time is often recommended during times when schedules are getting full. Most therapists, or clinics, really want to ensure that you are seeing your therapist whenever it works best for your schedule and your needs. However, there are certain therapists who are sought after for their unique expertise, times of the year, or even social events and climates (e.g., COVID-19) that will impact whether you will be able to book a session when you want or need it. So, our thinking is, why not book a block of appointments at once and then cancel and/or reschedule them (as per the cancellation policy!), as needed. The last things you may be asked to do before you have your first session will be to review and/or complete any important documents prior to your scheduled appointment time. For instance, you may be requested to review the therapist’s General Treatment Contract, to complete a more in-depth intake form or assessment, to review instructions or a troubleshooting guide for conducting Remote Psychotherapy, or to complete a COVID-19 Screener. From there you may only need to prepare yourself for what to expect from the first session. CLICK HERE to learn more. At Bliss Counselling + Psychotherapy, providing tailored services is our specialty! Regardless of the challenge(s) you are facing, our therapists will use a variety of psychotherapy and counselling approaches to ensure you receive the support you need. If you need some extra support with shortlisting therapists or are interested in booking a consultation with any one of our Bliss therapists, CLICK HERE or give us a call: 226-647-6000. Our admin team will be happy to narrow down the options and to support you in finding a therapist who could be the best fit! ____ Written by: Jess Boulé, Pronouns: they, them, theirs Jess is our Clinic Manager at Bliss Counselling. Jess is a Master’s graduate from the University of Guelph. During their degree, they focused on aging and end-of-life, human sexuality, the health and social experiences of LGBTQI2S+ people and communities, and evidence-based communication & teaching. Jess conducted research in order to inform more inclusive policies & practices, knowledge translation & mobilization, and business & program evaluation.
Getting to know Sheila & Acceptance and Commitment Therapy 16 February 2022 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Events, Individual Therapy, Inspiration, Relationship Therapy, Self Care, Therapy, Uncategorised, Workshops Sheila McDonough is one of our very own therapists at Bliss Counselling + Psychotherapy!. Sheila earned her undergraduate degree with a Major in Social Development Studies and a Certificate in Social Work from Renison University College at the University of Waterloo. Sheila is a Master of Social Work with a Degree from Wilfrid Laurier University in the individual, couple and family stream. Sheila specializes in individuals and relationships and is a Registered Social Worker and a member in good standing with the Ontario College of Social Worker and Social Service Workers and the Ontario Association of Social Workers. Where it all started: In her early 20s Sheila experienced delayed grief, which led her to engage in psychotherapy. Through this experience Sheila realized the value of psychotherapy. Following this experience, Sheila began her journey to become a psychotherapist. Sheila had been working in marketing and sales. Sheila realized her natural skills and talents were useful in developing the therapeutic alliance which is the curative factor in psychotherapy and in all helping professions. This shift in career focus has led Sheila to a very meaningful and satisfying career. She feels very honoured to walk with people as they reflect and work towards making meaningful changes in their lives. Sheila has worked as a Registered Social Worker for the past 15 years primarily in the areas of trauma and mental health. In those 15 years, Sheila has spent more than 10 years in a hospital setting providing outpatient mental health services, emergency mental health services and acute trauma treatment in the areas of sexual assault and domestic violence. In the last 2 years, Sheila has really enjoyed working more with couples. She loves helping couples improve their communication and create more loving and meaningful relationships. Sheila aims to hold each person in esteem, while challenging them to look at how they can change to improve the quality of their relationship. Sheila’s primary approach to working with individuals and couples focuses heavily on incorporating mindfulness. Sheila has studied and practiced mindfulness for more than 25 years. It is the cornerstone of the therapeutic approaches Sheila uses in her therapy sessions. Sheila is a lifelong learner and has postgraduate training in the areas of mindfulness, DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). Sheila believes present moment awareness is essential to making meaningful changes in our lives. Sheila uses an eclectic approach in therapy. This is why she values the ACT model. ACT embodies the main elements Sheila uses in her sessions (i.e. mindfulness, DBT, and compassion). ACT provides a framework to help people ground themselves and increase psychological flexibility. The approach allows a person to recognize a choice point to work towards meaningful change in their life. What is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: ACT helps people open up and respond more effectively to difficult emotions and thoughts. ACT helps a person to recognize their personal values and to move toward more value based behaviours. When using ACT a client will be able to see how small subtle challenges in life can be traced to a conflict in their own value system. This increased awareness then helps the client with unhooking themselves from the negative cycle so that they may move toward who and what is important to them. Sheila loves the following quote and feels it embodies the essence of the ACT model: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor E. Frankl We wanted to unpack the positive impacts of using ACT as an effective and evidence-based approach to therapy, so we interviewed Sheila to learn more. Here’s what she shared: How is ACT used in a therapy session? People will often want to get rid of unwanted thoughts and emotions. But, that’s not entirely possible. Instead, in an ACT session, clients are encouraged to accept these unwanted thoughts and behaviours, to cultivate present moment awareness, to learn how to recognize cognitive distortions and work towards value based and committed actions. How many sessions will it take to notice a positive change? The number of sessions will depend on each individual. Typically clients benefit from 6-8 sessions. Some clients may wish to pursue while others may wish to receive ongoing sessions (16-24), over several months or years. Some clients will attend a few sessions, then return in the future to explore their life in greater depth. Who would benefit from ACT? People with a wide range of challenges may benefit from ACT treatment (i.e. depression, anxiety, Borderline Personality, post traumatic stress symptoms stress, substance use and chronic pain) How might ACT be incorporated into a person’s life outside of the session? Clients learn how to ground themselves, to become an observer of their thoughts and feelings and how to work on committed action so that they may move toward who and what is important to them. Goals are set at the end of each individual or group session. Does ACT sound like an approach that you might like to explore? Look no further. Find out how to join our upcoming ACT Group Therapy! Sheila McDonough (MSW, RSW) and fellow Bliss expert Valentina Messier (RP,) are hosting an upcoming Acceptance and Commitment Therapy workshop series. This workshop series will be held virtually from the comfort of your home via Zoom. Heal through the power of connection in a small group setting! Prepare yourself to engage in group activities and discussions for 120 minutes, once a week for five weeks starting Saturday, March 26th and ending April 30th (excluding Easter weekend Saturday, April 16th). Are you ready to join Bliss Counselling + Psychotherapy’s 5- week virtual ACT workshop? Click here to take the next step in securing a spot in this upcoming group or to be added to the waitlist for future groups. Written By: Sheila McDonough (MSW, RSW) Edited By: Candice Mason (Customer Care Specialist) & Jess Boule (Clinic Manager)
Revolution from the Couch: Integrating Social Justice into Therapy Practices 19 October 2021 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Individual Therapy, Inspiration, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Therapy, Uncategorised Therapy is envisioned as a safe, unbiased space. In the therapy office, clients are free to explore their past and future, free from judgement or contempt. Clients expect their therapists to provide impartial, supportive advice, without fear that their therapist will discriminate against them in any form. This is an important cornerstone of the practice of therapy. However, this concept can also be misconstrued to mean that therapy is an apolitical practice. Therapists are thought of as neutral actors, who remove themselves from politics in the therapy room. While this may be the case for some therapists, therapy as a whole is deeply involved in politics and social justice advocacy. Many of the early developers of therapy as we know it were involved in politics and justice, such as those involved in the settlement housing movement. Therapists today deal with oppressive structures first hand – either through themselves or through their clients. This is not to say that therapy has always been on the side of social justice. Practices like conversion therapy have caused damage to LGBTQ+ folks, setting back progress decades. So, how are therapy and social justice intertwined? Can therapy truly be apolitical, or is neutrality no longer an option? And how can therapists use their practice to further social justice, while honouring the needs of their clients? De-Centre the Self, Understand the Structure It is a well-known fact among clinicians that poverty is linked with higher rates of depression and other mental illnesses. Those with mental illness can face barriers in education and employment that can push them into poverty; while those living in chronic poverty are more likely to develop a mental illness. A lack of access to resources and support can worsen mental health outcomes for those living in poverty. Oppression also contributes to mental health conditions. Experiencing racism, for example, increases stress and affects mental health conditions such as PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Even just the fear of racism can heighten stress levels, according to multiple studies. So where do therapists fit in? Therapy is often recommended as the first line of treatment for mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. Therapy often focuses on an exploration of the self to facilitate healing. However, for those who are oppressed, discriminated against, or living in adverse conditions, healing may be inhibited by structural issues like poverty. Without an acknowledgement or understanding of how certain conditions or societal issues can impact mental health, therapy cannot be truly effective. If a therapist is unfamiliar with issues such as poverty, racism, dis/ableism, sexism, or capitalism, it is encouraged that they do research to understand the realities of these issues. Many clients who take part in therapy will have first hand experience with these issues, and may require support in that area. Therapist practices can offer support groups directly related to structural issues such as racism or poverty, to ensure that the needs of their clientele are being met. They can also host workshops for their therapists to fill in gaps in knowledge. Support Marginalized Voices, Professionally and Individually Another way therapy practices can pave the way for social change is by opening up opportunities for marginalized folks. Marginalized groups face barriers accessing care, often due to cost or proximity. Providing sliding scales is one way therapists can make space for marginalized folks. Accessibility is key to providing holistic care. There are many barriers to therapy – financial, physical, or logistical. Sliding scales and accessible features are one way practices can make their care more accessible. Hiring therapists who speak other languages can also provide a wider scope of care, as mental health care is in high demand for non-English speakers. Marginalized individuals also face barriers to employment; hence, making the active choice to hire individuals from marginalized backgrounds is a concrete way to affect change. Marginalized voices have historically been excluded from health discourse, but they are essential for providing comprehensive care. Many employers create a statement to hire BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Colour) clinicians, which – when committed to – can make a difference in increasing diversity. Uplifting marginalized voices is also key within the therapy room. A principal concept of client-centred care is that humans are autonomous and have the right to determine their own path. This ensures that recovery in the therapy room is partly, or completely directed by the client, so that they can meet their needs. For marginalized folks, this may be difficult, as biases or blindspots in the therapist may impede their ability to self-direct. Non-BIPOC therapists must be mindful and allow clients to describe their experience of oppression in their own words. Their job is not to minimize oppression, but to understand it and help the client move towards healing. Giving marginalized voices a microphone, both in their healing and in their professional journey, contributes to the fight for social justice. It is just as important to listen to marginalized voices, as it is to speak up on their behalf. Go Beyond the Couch Care is not just about the individual, but also about the community. As we have discussed, many of the issues facing clients are structural – income inequality, discrimination, lack of affordable housing, etc. Some of these issues can’t be addressed in a therapy office, and must be taken to the streets. Some folks feel they cannot contribute to social change because they do not possess the required skills. The truth is that there are many ways to contribute to social justice. Perhaps you show up through protest or sign making; perhaps you write letters to political leaders or write social policy; perhaps you sell your crafts to fundraise for an issue close to your heart; or perhaps you provide home-cooked meals for those in need. Regardless, there are infinite ways to contribute to social change – and infinite reasons why. If you are a therapist, consider participating in community organizing. You will have a good idea of what issues are close to your clients’ hearts. Is it housing issues? Poverty? Hunger? Once you know, see how you can contribute to changing these issues. Showing up for your clients outside of the office is just as important as showing up for them in session. Justice = Mental Health Care Therapy is as much about changing an individual’s life as it is about changing the world. After all, creating self-reflexive, eternally curious individuals impacts the world in a positive way. However, therapists must go beyond the couch to provide authentic, socially just care. Show up for marginalized folks, professionally and individually. Uplift marginalized voices in your own life, in your community, and in your practice. Above all, keep in mind that social justice is more than a political movement; it is mental health care. Links: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/effects-of-racism#adults https://ontario.cmha.ca/documents/poverty-and-mental-illness/ https://www.counseling.org/docs/default-source/Government-Affairs/why_social_justice_is_a_counseling_concern-1.pdf?sfvrsn=2 https://www.utpjournals.press/doi/abs/10.3138/CHR.82.1.55 Written by: Catiyana Adam Catiyana, a music enthusiast, and avid writer. She has a keen interest in mental health, illness, and treatment, and is aspiring to be a therapist. Catiyana graduated from McMaster University in 2021 with a Honours Bachelor of Arts in Sociology. She focused on courses in health and illness, as well as families and feminist studies. She hopes to pursue a Master of Social Work at Wilfrid Laurier University next year.
The Mental Load 27 February 2020 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Relationship Therapy What is the mental load? The mental load is emotional labour. It’s those things that we do that we don’t physically see but are constantly at play in partnerships. Although this load can be carried by partners of either gender, current statistics suggest that it is “typically” carried by women. The issue with the mental load is that it often breeds resentment in relationships can affect them on many levels – mental health, intimacy, desire. Carrying a greater mental load doesn’t mean that one partner doesn’t want to assist, it may just be that one person is better at organization or planning; they may do it willingly at first but over time, it starts to take a toll on the individual and ultimately the relationship. Some examples of the mental load include: Planning family get-togethers/functions, children’s birthdays, religious occasions; Noticing when household items are running low, making a plan to go and pick up the items or even requesting the items be picked up; Purchasing and wrapping gifts; Keeping track of school functions, ensuring homework is completed, remembering parent teacher nights; Planning date nights or family vacations; Arranging children’s camps, summer caregivers; Meal planning; Taking family photos; Children’s immunization schedules and; Cleaning up prior to guests arriving. Below is a chart (adapted from the Gottman institute) to use as a way to assess the workload that can often lead to resentment and a list of common chores and things involved in our day to day lives that can add up, depending on how we have decided to share the load. There is no such thing as 50/50 split. It should not be what we strive for. But, this is an easy way to see where we can re-evaluate how tasks are considered and distributed. Please use the chart as a tool to see how the workload is dispersed. This can help couples consider alternative options and gain insight into how the “load” is distributed. Remember even doing this together is a way to build connection and have important conversations with your partner. You don’t have to agree. You just need to listen to one another. Common household roles and responsibilities: (feel free to add any additional ones that are not on the list) Creating grocery list Grocery shopping Cooking dinners Making lunches Washing dishes Emptying dishwasher Drying dishes Menu planning Cleaning the shower/tub Cleaning the toilet Cleaning bathroom counters Replacing toilet paper Washing and putting out clean towels Cleaning kitchen counters Emptying garbage/green bin Taking out garbage/recycling/ green bins Getting the care services Putting gas in the care Getting the mail Sorting the mail Sending mail Paying bills Doing laundry Folding laundry Putting laundry away Ironing Sweeping the floors Mopping the floors Changing the light bulbs Repairing/replacing appliances Cleaning out the fridge Cleaning the stove Making the bed Shopping for new clothes Planning trips/vacations Home repairs Buying new furniture Redecorating Buying household items Sewing/mending clothes Cleaning cabinets Organizing cabinets Mowing the lawn Gardening Weeds Snow removal Cleaning up the leaves Going to the bank Donating old household items Preparing for guests Buying gifts for family/friends Taking kids to school Taking pets to boarder Arranging childcare Arranging pet care Spending time with kids Planning family outings Feeding the pets Meal prep for the kids Grooming the pets Taking kids to the doctor Scheduling doctors appointments Immunization schedules Picking up medications Taking kids to the dentist Taking the kids for haircuts Walking the dog Taking pets to vet Carpooling to activities Arranging carpools Supervising homework Supervising bathing Putting toys away Responding to kid’s emotions Dog training Supervising bed time Taking care of a sick child Attending teacher meetings Dealing with the school Arranging play dates Holiday preparation Shopping for holidays Decorating for holidays Arranging date nights Planning weekends Initiating sex or intimacy Financial planning Making big purchases, ex. Cars Managing investments Planning for retirement Arranging time with friends Doing taxes Handling legal matters Watering the plants Changing the furnace filter Refilling the water softener Buying stamps Changing the water filter Keeping track of birthdays, anniversaries Vacuuming Renewing insurance for home and car Researching purchases Sending out thank-you cards Initiating emotional connection Initiating difficult conversations Purchasing new electronics for the home Signing up kids for camps/activities Cleaning windows Cleaning mirrors Dusting Cleaning up spills Cleaning the inside of the car Washing the car Cleaning rugs Creating a budget Cleaning the gutters Hiring a housekeeper Finding a tutor Finding a therapist Making store returns Getting cash for the sitter, cleaning company Paying membership dues Packing for vacations Calling the cable/telephone company when issues arise Planning physical activity Reading books about parenting/relationships Arranging santa/easter bunny/tooth fairy rituals Keeping track of where items are put in the home Checking for expired food items Arranging care for aging parents _______________________________ Written by Tammy Benwell Tammy Benwell is a Registered Social Worker at Bliss Counselling who holds an undergraduate degree in Social Work from the University of Waterloo and Master’s degree in Social Work from Wilfrid Laurier University. Her formal training focused on interventions for individuals, families, and groups, across various therapeutic orientations. Tammy has been afforded extensive opportunities working in mental health, supporting clients with various mental health challenges, including depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and trauma. Tammy can assist individuals with relationship struggles, codependency, infidelity, separation and divorce, substance abuse, low self-esteem, family concerns, and life transitions. She has additional training in the areas of trauma counselling, and has been trained in EMDR through the Niagara Stress and Trauma Clinic. Tammy believes in fostering a collaborative, therapeutic relationship within which clients are best able to direct their own care. In addition to providing therapy to individuals, couples, and families, her work has also involved finding community supports for clients in distress, assisting with life transitions, and enhancing effective interpersonal communication styles. Tammy embraces an eclectic therapeutic orientation in her practice, tailoring interventions to meet the client’s individualized needs. Tammy’s philosophy is best described as one which helps clients understand their role and their ability to achieve their desired happiness.
How to Find a Therapist that is the “Right Fit” 20 September 2019 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Individual Therapy, Relationship Therapy, Therapy The most important feature of any therapeutic interaction is to build a rapport. Research has shown that having a good rapport, or feeling as though the therapist-client relationship is the “right fit,” can seriously improve the therapeutic assessment, treatment outcomes, and the overall success that a client experiences (e.g, Leach, 2005). But what does a strong therapeutic relationship look like? How will you know if you and your therapist are a “good fit” for each other? There’s no one size fits all kind of therapy. What works for one person may not work for you. As a client though, what you should feel is that you have a trusting connection with your therapist, which may include: open and honest communication, collaboration, empathy and validation, mutual understanding, respect, and any additional values and beliefs you feel are important to your comfort, safety, and growth throughout the therapeutic process. Just as one example, about 5 years ago I sought out a therapist to support me with developing certain coping skills. During the initial meeting, she asked me about the qualities a past therapist had that facilitated our positive relationship. I replied that he would swear with me. When he did this, I felt comfortable. He made me feel as though what I was feeling was valid and that he understood and could empathize with what it was that I was feeling, as if he had been there before. She nodded her head, but told me she wouldn’t be able to do the same. As we continued our session, I felt a tinge of judgment and regret for having made the request. I tried to rationalize these feelings. I kept telling myself that swearing in sessions was such a minor part of the therapeutic relationship and that I was grateful she was open and honest with me about her boundaries. I was certain she could offer empathetic understanding and listening in other ways. After a few sessions, I realized that my intuition had been right. I didn’t feel as though I could be authentic about what it was that I was feeling during our sessions. Eventually I began missing and cancelling our appointments. I wasn’t excited about the idea of going and would often forget we had even scheduled a session. I also felt as though I wasn’t learning any new skills, developing any new insights, or making any kind of progress … really. Ultimately, I avoided calling the office to reschedule any additional meetings. As a client and a therapist, you want to feel a genuine connection during your sessions. Everyone in that room needs to feel as though they can be… well…real! This means that there are important considerations to keep in mind throughout the therapeutic process. Before the Consultation Do your homework! Search for therapists online. You could facilitate this by using search engine tools, such as Pyschology Today. You can start off by checking out which therapists or wellness organizations are accessible (e.g., located nearby, within your budget, fit your schedule, etc.) or what kind of therapist you would like or need to see. For instance, if you have benefit coverage you may want to chat with your insurance company first to see what kind of therapist they will reimburse (e.g., registered social worker, registered psychotherapist, psychologist, etc.) as well as how much and how many sessions they will reimburse. If you don’t have benefit coverage, you could pay out of pocket or you may want to find therapists and organizations that offer sliding scale or reduced rates to their clients. Depending on your needs, you may also want to consider whether the therapist is in an office that you can access or whether they offer in-home visits or online sessions (e.g., by phone, text, or video calling). Another option is to ask friends or family members who they may be seeing, what they like about their therapist, if their therapist is currently accepting new clients or if there is a waitlist, and/or if they could ask this therapist for a list of referrals on your behalf. Be mindful of reading too much into the online reviews a therapist may have. Different approaches work differently for everyone. But keep in mind red flags, such as: insufficient training or education, not being registered with a professional regulating body, having unresolved complaints (e.g., breached confidentiality and/or neglected clients’ rights, acted unprofessionally, etc). Most therapists will have website, or a profile on an organization’s website, that will provide the following information: Educational background (i.e., certifications and specializations) Credentials (i.e., registration to a professional body that regulates their practice) Philosophy (i.e., theoretical approach and modalities, therapeutic tools) Experiences with certain demographics or presenting issues and challenges Photo Examples of some theoretical approaches, modalities, or tools a therapist may use include: cognitive behaviour therapy (i.e., CBT), mindfulness-based stress reduction, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (i.e., EMDR), narrative, solution-oriented, relationship and sex therapy, family and systems therapy, etc. Some therapists may be inclined to use only a few of these approaches systematically, while others may use a whole blend of these approaches, depending on the client’s needs. However, research has found that the therapist’s approach to the sessions has far less significance than the actual relationship they have with the client (e.g., Thompson, 2003). You can also take a look at their photo and see if you have any gut reactions. Do you feel you could easily sit in front of them and chat without any concerns or apprehension? During the Consultation Most therapists offer free 15-minute consultations either by phone or in person. During the consultation, the therapist will ask you about the specific issues or challenges you are intending to work on, as well as your goals in seeking therapy. The consultation is your chance to ask the therapist questions as well. Consider the following: Is the therapist an intern or practicum student? What is the therapist’s fee? Does the therapist offer reduced fees or sliding scale? Will the therapist directly bill your insurance provider or will you be required to pay and then be reimbursed? What is the length of each session? What is the therapist’s availability like? What are the therapist’s experiences with the challenges you are facing? What are the therapist’s specializations? What is the therapist’s cancellation policies? When we’re seeking therapy, we often ask how much time or how many sessions will we need until we’re “all better.” But, it’s important to remember that how long a person attends therapy is contextual and unique to them. The therapist may be able to give you an average if asked during the consultation, however therapy is considered “complete” only once you feel you’ve developed the skills and tools to cope with the challenges you are facing or what brought you to therapy to begin with. If the timing of your progress is important to you, make this well known to the therapist during the consultation. During the consultation the therapist may also share their approach to therapy. if you don’t understand it or if you have concerns about it you can always ask more questions and get that clarity. While you are chatting, take note of the therapist’s communication style and whether it aligns with your own. Is the therapist taking an active or passive role in the consultation? Are they actively listening to you and processing your concerns, or providing you with coping skills and feedback you will attend to in your next sessions? Do you sense that you feel heard and understood? Do they seem compassionate, non-judgmental and open to your experiences? If you feel like it will work out, you will be able to book your first appointment. If not, ask for a referral to somebody they feel could be a better fit. During the First Session During the first session you will go over your intake forms and will be asked to sign an informed-consent document. This document tells you information about your rights and responsibilities as a client, as well as their rights and responsibilities as a therapist. Feel free to take your time reading this document and to ask the therapist any questions you may have about it. The therapist may also spend more time getting to know you, your personality and the nature of the presenting challenges. The objective of this first session is for you and the therapist to get to know one another and to collaborate on your short and long- goals. For instance, you may spend your first meeting together coming up with a treatment plan or objectives and strategies to help you meet your goals in seeking therapy, and perhaps a rough timeframe to getting there. During this session, look for therapeutic boundaries, such as: whether the relationship feels professional, whether they are limiting how much they share about themselves and are listening to you, whether they are alert and responsive to you, and aren’t pushing their own agenda (e.g., selling a book). A therapist that is the “right fit,” will make you feel comfortable and will work with you to support your goals. They will suggest coping skills that could work for you, and acknowledge those that will not. They will consistently apply new knowledge as the sessions proceed. At the end of the first session, you may ask yourself: Do I feel validated and seen? Are they curious about me or are they analyzing me? Do they seem genuine in their approach? Are they patient with me? Can I be my authentic self? After a Few Sessions After a few sessions you should be able to sense some small changes in yourself or be able to identify some new insights about yourself or your relationships. If you don’t it could be time to have a discussion with your therapist about your progress. Some red flags that you may want to consider is whether a therapist is: Watching the clock too much Making you feel guilty or ashamed about your behaviours or experiences Threatening that you will get worse without therapy Talking more than you Interrupting you often Acting inappropriate or unprofessional Violating your confidentiality or your rights. The last two are reportable. If you find this is happening, you can file a complaint to their professional regulating body. You may also want to consider whether the therapist is giving you advice. Although advice may be desirable and come from the best of intentions in that moment, it is a reflection of the therapist’s own biases and life experiences- not yours. You and your therapist are different people. You may have different ideas, experiences, values, beliefs, and challenges, so their advice may not be relevant for you. A therapist is trained to provide you with a stronger sense of your own values and beliefs and to support your agency and your autonomy to make your own decisions. When you ask your therapist to give you advice, it comes with the assumption that your therapist is perfect or more competent than you are in terms of your own life, which is far from the truth. Instead, find a therapist who provides guidance, who reflects what you are telling them, works with you to define your needs, provides you with opportunities to learn new skills, and inspires you to develop greater capacity for growth. “As a therapist, I am a companion. I try to help people tune into their own wisdom.” — Virginia Sartir Click the following links, if you would like to know more about: Therapeutic Approaches What to Expect during your Consultation, First Session, Recurring Sessions, and Final Session Answers to Frequently Asked Questions If you would like to learn more about Bliss Counselling’s therapists, click here. ______________________________________________ Written by: Jess Boulé, Pronouns: they, them, theirs / she, her, hers Jess is our office strategist at Bliss Counselling. Jess is a Master’s graduate from the University of Guelph. During their degree, they focused on aging and end-of-life, communication, human sexuality, LGBTQI2S+ health, inclusive practice and policies, knowledge mobilization strategies, research methods, and program evaluation.
The Not So Secret Ingredient Every Relationship Needs to Thrive 3 April 2019 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships There are many components that most healthy relationships need to thrive including communication, intimacy and honesty. The one element that remains at the top of relationship experts’ lists is trust. Trust is incredibly important to the success and fulfillment of all relationships, especially intimate or romantic ones. Whether you believe that trust is something to be earned or something that’s given freely until proven otherwise, it is true that we all carry around pieces of our past in some way or another. Perhaps we’re unconsciously referring back to lessons we learned as kids from the adult role models or parents in our lives. Maybe we’re having trouble learning to trust a new partner, rebuild trust in a partner, or even prove that we are trustworthy. Trust is necessary for healthy relationships to grow. Trusting your partner means you can count on them. It’s knowing for sure that they’ll do their best to get your takeout order right at the Thai restaurant on Friday night. It’s also about having faith that they’d pick you up if you were stranded on the side of the road and that they’ll handle any vulnerable information you share with care. Mutual trust means that they can count on you for all of the same reasons. Trust and communication go like peanut butter and jelly—you need both. And for an intimate relationship to grow deeper, you can’t have one without the other. Wherever you and your partner(s) are on the spectrum of trust—it’s often something that can be further enriched over time. So how do you do that? Here are some top tips we share with clients in relationship coaching. Showing your trust Even though the early stages of a fresh new relationship are filled with fun, they can also be filled with worry. Perhaps you’ve hesitantly sent a text and then didn’t hear back and the thoughts running through your head run from, “They don’t really like me,” to “They’re seeing someone else,” only to hear back, “Sorry! I was just driving!” The good news is that you’re not alone. Everyone has experienced something similar at one point or another in a past or current relationship. The early stage of a new relationship is the most essential time to focus on building trust between one another. Starting your relationship with honesty and transparency in all of your communication can go a long way. Do what you say you’re going to do One of the simplest ways to build trust is to follow through and merely do what you said you were going to do. When your partner(s) can rely on you to show up, be consistent, dependable, and honest, these easy actions will serve you for your entire relationship together. And if you happen to make a mistake (don’t worry, we all do), make it right as quickly as possible, apologize, and then avoid repeating that same blunder. Repair trust in a relationship Once broken, trust can be repaired—though not always easy, or quick. Regardless of the reason for needing to rebuild trust, you can make efforts to repair what’s been broken (in some cases). You can’t, however, control how the person you hurt or offended by breaking the trust will react, or even be sure that they want to correct what has happened. Regardless of the receptiveness of your partner(s), the most important move is to take responsibility right away—and doing it without acting in defense. It helps to show the other person that you value the relationship and want to make an effort to move forward while respecting the others’ needs. How to handle it if your partner doesn’t trust you If your partner doesn’t trust you, try to keep in mind that it’s about them—not you. Even if you trust your partner, you may have a trust discrepancy in your relationship. And it can be frustrating when nothing you seem to do can help reassure your partner that you’re trustworthy. Avoid taking it personally if you can, and know that it’s not a reflection on your behaviour (assuming you’ve been trustworthy). Then, all you can do is continue to show just how reliable you are. This can feel tiring if your partner is doubting you, but worth the effort if you value the relationship. Lastly, if your partner betrayed your trust and you’re feeling like it’s irreparable—it very well might be. Every situation and every relationship is unique. We’re here for you if you need to talk this through. Written by Bliss Sex & Relationship Therapist, Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you liked this article on trust you might enjoy these too: What Does it Mean to be Authentic? Others Will Treat You the Way You Let Them —3 Keys to Boundary-Setting How to Ask for the Sex you Want in 8 Completely Practical Tips Do you have any questions about trust in your relationship? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
Single this Valentine’s Day? We’ve got you Covered! 5 February 2019 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Individual Therapy, Inspiration, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Self Care, Therapy As Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, it’s hard not to notice stores filling up their shelves with chocolates, stuffies, cards and everything pink and red. For those that soak up all the fun, loving, mushy sentiments, Valentine’s Day can be great! But what about those of you who are riding solo this year? Here are 5 ways to help navigate this Hallmark holiday: Check in with yourself.What emotions is this day bringing up for you? Once you have identified if there are any lingering feelings that you haven’t dealt with, you can begin to make space to process them. Whether it’s sadness, loneliness, relief or happiness, what are you feeling? Are you holding on to a past relationship, lover, experience, etc.? What do you need to heal and move forward? Valentine’s Day can stir this pot, so make sure you are being honest with where you are at, and what you need. Check in with your friends.Who else is in the same boat as you? Sometimes it can be helpful to know that there are others feeling the same way. Do you have other single friends that you could connect with? Or maybe even friends that are in relationships that don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day? Think about getting together and going out for a movie, dinner, paint night, dancing, a spa day, a yoga session or a killer spin class. If going out isn’t your thing, maybe you could have a low key night at home, or invite friends over for dinner or to hang out on the couch catching up. All my friends are coupled up, so now what do I do? Do something for yourself!Buy yourself those special chocolates you were eyeing earlier at the grocery store, take yourself out for dinner or order in your favourite dish. Do something that will make you feel good and empowered. We are our own worst enemies, and we can get wrapped up or lost in our own thoughts and self-judgments. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. Remember that you are worthy of love and healthy relationships, but being single can be celebrated just as much as being coupled up; and Valentine’s Day gives you the opportunity for self-reflection and well-deserved me time! Check in with your family.Maybe you could use this day to have dinner with your parents, or to spend time with a grandparent. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Maybe you could babysit them while their parents go out. It could be fun to do cheesy crafts again, or decorate some heart shaped goodies! Limit social media.We all have those friends on our Facebook or Instagram feeds who create over the top posts on how great their partner is, and how loved they are. While that may be something they feel is important for them to share on their platform, it can feed challenging or unhelpful thoughts that you may be experiencing. Social media has the tendency to contribute to our need to compare where our friends are at in their lives and relationships with where we are. So, if you think you may feel triggered by seeing what your friends are sharing on Valentines Day, don’t spend as much time scrolling! There isn’t a clear path to avoiding Valentine’s Day altogether, but there are definitely ways to help you navigate the day and get out on the other side. If you really do find yourself struggling with where you’re at right now and need someone to talk to, you can always connect with one of us here at Bliss Counselling. Do you need some ideas of solo activities, or things to do with friends this Valentine’s Day? Check out these websites for things to do around KW! https://www.ammayoga.ca (Restorative yoga? Yes please!) https://www.hustlandflow.com/home (Kick boxing, spin classes, yoga and juice bar) https://www.socialart.ca (Get your paint on) https://www.dejavusalonandspa.ca (Pamper yourself) https://www.thewatersspa.com (Making me time) https://www.ginaspa.com (Focusing on yourself) http://adventurerooms.ca(Grab a team and try to escape these rooms) https://batlgrounds.com/axe-throwing-kitchener/ (Let it go!) https://www.ctrlv.ca/ctrl-v-waterloo-flagship/ (Whoa!) https://www.cineplex.com/Theatre/cineplex-cinemas-kitchener-and-vip?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=local&utm_content=CPXKitchenerVIP (Drinks, food, movies, sounds like a plan) https://apollocinema.ca (A gem kind of spot) http://www.princesscinemas.com (And they have a café too!) https://www.facebook.com/PatentSocial/ (Super Mario!) https://www.acepingponglounge.com (Ping Pong) http://www.crossroadscafe.ca (Board games) http://www.gamesontap.ca (More board games) Written by Bliss sexologist Lindsay Kenna. Learn more about Lindsay and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here.
7 Relationship Challenges Therapists See All the Time 28 January 2019 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Therapy In a new relationship, everything feels fresh and fun. You anticipate dates for days in advance with butterflies in your heart and are uncovering all these goodies about each other every day. It’s like unwrapping your birthday gifts all year long. Over time, as you grow closer and more familiar with one another you’re likely to run into some bumps in the road. In couples therapy, we work with clients on these kinds of issues—big, small, and everything in between, every day. So first, know that you’re not the only ones running up against these challenges. Next, based on our work with couples who have navigated or are still finding their way around these tricky spots, here are the top challenges that pop up most often between couples, and how to approach them: 1. Your partner has some bad habits (and it’s grating on your nerves) Perhaps your partner has a habit of leaving dishes on the counter or leaving empty rolls of toilet paper for you to change. At first, these little quirks didn’t bother you much. Maybe you noticed but didn’t pay it much attention. Perhaps you’ve even mentioned it a few times thinking they’d change their ways. Well, here you are months or years later and nothing has really changed. Loving your partner(s) means learning to fully accept less than desirable habits. You could keep falling down the irritation trap and mention the toilet paper or the dishes thing every time it happens. Or, after not noticing changes, you could learn to let insignificant things go. If your partner is engaging in any kind of behaviour that’s truly hurtful, harmful, or crosses any of your boundaries, then your communication will need to be more direct. This also may be a good time to bring in a couples therapist. 2. You may argue about your families Your partner chose you but they can’t choose their family. Though at times, maybe you wish you could send some family members back, but that’s not helping to strengthen your communication with your partner. Family is often a sensitive topic between couples, and there’s a lot that comes into play here, from upbringing, culture, and what one partner deems as “normal” family stuff. Boundaries are helpful in all relationships, and especially ones where family members may be causing a problem. 3. Your partner can’t fill all the shoes We might have a long list of demands of our partners. We require them to be the love of our lives, be romantic, be our sexual partners, parenting partners, best friends, and even financial advisors. It’s not possible or necessarily even healthy for one person to tick all the boxes on another’s list of demands. We all have many needs, and need a variety of people in our lives to fill these different roles. 4. Your desire will fluctuate If your sensual encounters were toe-curling in the early months of your relationship, and then one of you suddenly lost interest a few months down the road, this is totally normal. Our lives are in a perpetual state of change, including our sexual desires. There are many things that can affect our fluctuating desire levels, from family, stress, work, and a jam-packed schedule. A mismatch in desire creeps into the healthiest of intimate relationships and that’s perfectly natural. Sometimes couples need to let go of the idea that sex is the end goal, and learn to find more pleasure in all the other ways they can be intimate together. In our practice, we work with couples to help them communicate what’s going on behind a desire discrepancy, and work with them to find a new groove that works for them. 5. Money may be a source of conflict Once financials co-mingle, this can be an added stressor for many couples. When people come together in a relationship, they each bring their own ideals, values, and perceptions of money and how it should be spent, saved, and handled. We often recommend alleviating financial tension by having clients act like more of a team to handle any money issues and decisions as they come up. 6. Work might get in the way When you first started dating, perhaps you or your partner would drop everything for a chance to go out to dinner. As you got more comfortable in your relationship, other competing priorities likely crept in. Perhaps even a promotion or new job calls for more attention than in the past. Regardless of the reason for the change, work might come up as a point of contention at one point in your relationship. 7. Staying faithful is hard work You or your partner may inevitably become attracted to others, and you may even find yourself wondering if you made the right partner choice. The essential point to keep in mind is that while staying monogamous can feel hard at times, it’s worth the effort if it’s something both of you value. Alternatively, a sex-positive relationship therapist can support you in exploring consensual non-monogamy. As you spend more time in an intimate relationship, know that every bump you encounter has the power to help you deepen and strengthen your connection. Staying mindful of everyone’s feelings, keeping communication kind and honest, and putting a deliberate effort into your relationship can help you come out the other side of any troubles even closer than you were before. Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch”here. If you enjoyed this article you might like these too: How to start a meaningful conversation about sex Others will treat you the way you let them —3 keys to boundary-setting Sex therapy virgin? What to expect Do you have any questions for us? Or do you need some help with creating healthy habits in your relationship? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
7 Essential Habits of People in Healthy Relationships 7 January 2019 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Therapy Healthy Relationships—They take work, self-awareness, and (frequent) communication. And that’s not all. Growing a budding relationship into a thriving one that feels good for everyone involved takes deliberate and focused attention. What we pay attention to grows, and our intimate relationships are no different. Whether you’re on your third date or you’ve been together for three decades, studies show that the more connected we are to our partners, the happier we are in all other areas of our lives. Those in the healthiest relationships have some key things in common. They practice relationship-building habits. And not just at the beginning of the relationship, but years into their intimate adventure too. Here are 7 habits to go deeper in your intimate relationships: 1. Lay on the praise Peek inside a healthy relationship and you’ll see an abundance of compliments and praise. They’ll do this publicly too—they aren’t afraid to show their appreciation for one another. They also talk about their partners in a positive light instead of complaining. The healthiest relationships focus on all the good things about their partner(s) instead of focusing on all the things they wish were different. 2. Prioritize connection People in healthy relationships regularly connect each day and every week—no matter what. No matter how busy life and work gets. In our practice, we’ve seen people taking regular after-dinner walks, making the time to connect over coffee in the morning, scheduling date nights and sticking to them. Even 20-minutes spent alone with your partner, distraction-free, even from bed, can do wonders to amp up the closeness factor of your relationship. To make the most of your conneting time, put all outside distractions such as your phone, computer, and all other screens away! If you have kids, an excellent opportunity to do this may be when they’re asleep for the night, or at Grandma’s. Doing so is good modeling for children too! When they’re old enough, direct the kids to avoid interrupting you because it’s your adult time to connect over coffee (or whatever else you’re connecting over!). 3. Laugh—a lot Having a sense of humour is essential for life, and possibly even more important for people in relationships. It’s hard to stay mad when someone can lighten the mood. Of course, leave the laughs out of the serious conversations, but the more you can weave some snorts and giggles into all your moments, the more connected your intimate relationship will feel. 4. See life from their eyes Great relationships are filled to the brim with empathy. They know how to put themselves in each other’s shoes. When people empathize with one another, they’re usually able to get past common misunderstandings that creep up in all relationships. Helping the other person feel seen, heard, and valued is a way to show you genuinely care. 5. Keep flirting Keep the fun and flirty interactions going long after the first few dates. When partners flirt with each other, they’re showing their love and excitement for life with each other. It simply feels good! Think about flirting as the long game, and not just when you’re hoping to get a date or get to the “next stage” of your relationship. 6. Think like scientists Constantly think of new ways you can look at your relationship. People in healthy relationships often think of it as having two or three relationships with the same person. Play and experiment with everything from your date nights to how to feel more connected. And when something doesn’t seem to be working, put your scientist hat on and get curious about what you could do differently or try next. 7. Stay forever curious It’s easy to get lost in the day-to-day hustle and take our loved ones for granted. When we combine this with the understanding that we’ll all change and grow throughout our lives, and if we’re not pausing to tune in, we could end up growing in different directions. Constantly stay curious and get to know your partner. Ask questions about what’s making them tick, what’s driving them, and then really listen. Here are some ideas to prompt a deeper discussion: What can I do for you right now to help you feel more loved? Have I done anything recently that may have unknowingly hurt you? Is there any kind of emotional or physical intimacy you feel is missing? How do you feel about our sex life lately? Is there anything stressing you lately and can I help alleviate that stress for you? Asking these questions may feel scary at first. Listen and stay open. Then sincerely thank them for sharing their thoughts—sharing often isn’t easy either! While these are just some examples of the habits that the people in the healthiest relationships regularly take on, there are countless other ways that you and your partner(s) can love each other through the tricky situations and deepen your connection. The best way to find your groove is to keep talking. Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you enjoyed this article you might like these too: How to start a meaningful conversation about sex Others will treat you the way you let them —3 keys to boundary-setting Sex therapy virgin? What to expect Do you have any questions for us? Or do you need some help with creating healthy habits in your relationship? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
Your Sex Life: What’s normal? 19 October 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays We’re inundated with rules every day, and in almost all areas of our lives. But when it comes to the rules of sex, there’s only one: There’s no such thing as “normal” sex. That’s right. It’s a complete myth. Perhaps you may be wondering: Is our sex life normal? These fantasies I keep thinking about—are they common? Is wanting sex this infrequently or frequently natural? Are all these ups and downs in my desire okay? Is it normal to have to schedule sex? The answers, in case you’re wondering, are—yes, normal, natural, and you’re perfect. If you have a health concern, of course, we recommend speaking with your primary care physician. With any medical concerns aside, there’s no normal when it comes to sex, and that’s wonderful news! That is, as long as all parties are able to consent and it doesn’t involve animals. Sex is a key part of our adult lives, and still, it can be a taboo topic in many social circles. As a result of putting sex-talk to the bottom of our lists, we don’t talk about it nearly enough. We need to be talking about sex more. Without conversations about sex, it can often lead to assumptions that leave us judging our sexual activity. It’s common to worry if you’re having enough sex, or too much, or if what you’re doing between the sheets is natural. These assumptions can also lead us into the comparison trap. We assume our friends are doing it more or less than you and your partner(s) are, and that can leave us feeling less than awesome and swirling in a pity party. Know this: whatever you’re doing in your intimate life, it’s healthy and natural. And millions of other people are doing the same. Getting intimate and having sex regularly is healthy, and a big sexual appetite is a sign of high energy, vitality, and sound hormone function. And, if you do discover that you’re having more or less sex than your neighbors, that’s perfectly okay. You get to decide what “normal” sex means to you and your partner(s). Whether you have sex 3 times a day or 3 times a year—it’s perfect if that’s what works for you. The most significant sex challenge we see in our practice within intimate relationships, is when one person wants sex more than the other(s). If there’s a desire discrepancy in your relationship, there are practical ways you can ask for the sex you want. This is also completely natural for our libidos to be more intense during certain phases of our lives, and it will ebb and flow throughout our relationships. Our advice to clients usually starts with clear and compassionate communication. The more you can open up and share your sensual wants and needs in your relationship, the deeper your connection and the stronger your bond will become. Keeping the conversation going about your sex life can help you create a deeper connection with your partner(s), and help you to feel confident in your sensual desires. Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you liked this article you might enjoy these too: 12 Reasons it Might be a Good Idea to See a Therapist Couples Therapy for Preventative Maintenance? Why it Works How to Ask for the Sex you Want in 8 Completely Practical Tips Do you have any questions for us? Or do you have questions about your sex life? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
How to Handle Financial Stress in your Relationship 1 October 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Individual Therapy, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Therapy It’s no secret that money problems can be a huge source of relationship strife — in fact, most surveys report money as the main source of stress in a relationship, and it’s easy to see why. If the money isn’t there, it can seep into every part of your life and affect every part of your day. From grocery shopping, to a friend’s birthday, to what you think about before you go to sleep, money is always there. It’s an incredibly difficult scenario to be in — but new research shows that it affects some of us more than others. Recent research from The Harris Poll and Ally Bank surveyed more than 1,400 American adults about where their relationship stress was coming from. Unsurprisingly, money came out on top. But in an interesting twist, the research found that young Americans were twice as likely as older Americans to say that money was the biggest cause of stress. While 44 percent of the younger adult group pointed to money, only 23 percent of the older adults said the same. With housing prices skyrocketing in recent decades and a pool of student loan debt you could drown in, Millennials are feeling the financial strain far more than Baby Boomers. The most difficult part? Well, as we know, money doesn’t grow on trees. If you’re already stretched to your limit and an unexpected bill lands on your door, there’s no magic fix. But there are things you can do to help keep money stress from wrecking your relationship. Here’s what you need to know: Educate Yourself Many of us are not financially savvy — because we simply didn’t receive the education. For some reason, we spent way more time on the Pythagorean theorem than learning about how to save money or file our taxes (and it’s pretty obvious which one we actually need as adults). If you haven’t already learned how to do these things, then you need to educate yourself. And, if your partner’s spending is stressing you out, remember that they probably need some help, too. “Most of the time, bad money habits come from either a lack of education because this stuff isn’t taught in school — which isn’t your fault of your partner’s,” Priya Malani, co-founder of Stash Wealth, a wealth management company, told Brides. “Seek out education and advice so you can see the financial impact of current behavior on your future self.” This might mean seeing a financial advisor, if you’re in a position to do so. If money’s too tight for that, start by checking out some money-saving websites and basic financial advice. There’s so much available online, so use it! Talk About Money — Think “Little And Often” Talking about money can take on a larger-than-life quality in some relationships. Maybe you never talk about it and you don’t know where to start — or maybe money is so stressful that every time it comes up it sends you both towards a meltdown. Either way, it’s time to normalize talking money. Start discussing it as early as you can in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to be in these huge, awkward conversations. “Little and often” is how you should talk about money, with small comments that bring it up on a regular basis. Whether it’s, “I’m really tight this month, do you mind if we don’t go out for dinner?” to “I really want to sort out my 401k and I don’t know where to start” or even, “I don’t think we can afford as big of a trip this year, should we sit down and crunch the numbers?” These little moments will normalize how you talk about money, so you’ll be in a better position for the big conversations. Look At Your Shared Expenses If you and your partner are serious, it may be time to have a look at your shared expenses. Maybe you each pay for a couple of the bills, maybe you transfer money into a joint account every month. Either way, going through the numbers together and looking for ways to save money — like changing to a new gas or electric company or cancelling that cable subscription you don’t use — can be a good way to open up the conversation about money and make sure you’re on the same page. Start Saving The best thing you can do to relieve your money stress it to start saving — yes, right now. It may not be a lot, it may seem totally insignificant, but it can be something. Even just twenty dollars a month adds up to $240 over the course of the year — which is a nice little cushion to have. If you have the means, putting a little away for retirement and a little away for money for something fun — a trip, a new purchase, or a house deposit — will help incentivize you to save. Focus On An Emergency Fund First Although day-to-day money stress can be excruciating, a lot of the panic and frustration comes in when you get an unexpected expense. The car breaks down, your child needs a filling, or you need a plumber to come and fix that hole that’s gotten way too big — whatever it is, it can be incredibly stressful and throw your entire equilibrium out of whack. If you can get together an emergency fund of even a few hundred dollars (more if you can afford it), you’ll be covered when an unexpected bill hits. Just make sure you replenish your emergency fund as quickly as you can. If money is tight for you and your partner, it’s totally normal for that to be a source of stress — but it doesn’t have to ruin your relationship. Educate yourself about managing your finances and get comfortable talking about money — because that’s half the battle. Written by Bliss therapist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. We know that talking to your partner about money can be uncomfortable, and having a third party to help navigate these difficult conversations can be extremely helpful! Our Bliss therapists are happy to help! Book an appointment here.