What’s Your Bliss? Episode 1 with Valentina 10 November 2022 Jess Boule No comments Categories: Communication, Guest Post, Podcast, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Workshops Welcome to What’s your Bliss – a podcast on what’s coming up in gender, sex and relationships, directly from our couch! Each episode our therapists will share stories, ideas, theories, perspectives and questions, intended to feed your curiosity about what brings you Bliss! For our first episode, Valentina Messier describes how she uses Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) in relationship and sex therapy! Considering multiple perspectives and the situation, anchoring yourself, and knowing your individual and relational values can be helpful tools that support your communication and the level of intimacy you share in your partnerships. LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE: https://www.blisscounselling.ca/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/001.mp3 FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT: Jess: Hey there! I’m Jess and this is What’s Your Bliss. [Intro Music] Jess: Welcome everyone to our very first episode of What’s Your Bliss, hosted by yours truly and on behalf of Bliss Counselling + Psychotherapy in Uptown Waterloo. What’s your Bliss is a podcast on what’s trending in sex and relationships, directly from our couch. I’ll go ahead and disclose right away that I am not a therapist, however I am a sex educator and activist and I have been working for Bliss for about 3 years now. When I started at Bliss, I was a Client Service Team member. I would sit at the front desk and chat quite a bit with our clients and then of course, our therapists. In probably about a minute or less I would learn so much about each of our therapists, who they are personally and professionally. I was then able to share some of these ideas with our clients calling in, which helped so much when they were looking for a therapist who could be a really great fit. At the time, when I first started working for Bliss, we probably only had about 8 therapists on our team. But, over the past few years we have grown into a roaster of about 30. Despite the challenges that COVID brought, our team somehow still has the same, if not deeper sense of intimacy that comes with being a small clinic. And now that there is more of us and we have so many more opportunities to connect (which I’ve got to say I am so grateful for!), there’s also a lot more ideas to share. I hear you asking, “Why am I not doing what I was doing before, why start a podcast and bring all of you into it.” Well, I’m no longer on the front desk. We’ve actually hired some new and wonderful people who are now flourishing and making that a role of their own. And while, I am still connecting with our therapists regularly to witness and to learn so many valuable insights from them – like a true educator or maybe even a really oddly proud parent, I have this idea or this need to share with all of you the stories, ideas, theories, perspectives and questions about sex and relationships that I hear in a day. So keep in mind that these are super informal conversations. We are not doing therapy here! But, our chats are intended to support your connection and to feed your curiosity about what might be your bliss. However, if you might like to speak to one of our therapists, give our office a shout! Those wonderful folks that I was mentioning before they would be super happy to help you out with finding someone on our team who could be a really great fit. So I guess with all that being said and out of the way with – are you ready for our first episode? Because I sure am! I have been waiting on this for a few months now. So let’s get this thing started with our very own Valentina to learn more about her bliss, which is the use of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy as a therapeutic tool or approach. So Valentina, maybe we could kick this thing off with you telling us a little bit about you first. Aside from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy what else is your bliss? Valentina: Yeah, so I can tell you about myself. I guess the obvious is that I am a Registered Psychotherapist here at Bliss. Um, but outside of work, I am also a cat-mom, I am a mom to be and I consider myself, creative. So I love like incorporating that in almost everything that I do. Whether it’s like cooking or um, doing some creative writing. Uh yeah… Jess: I didn’t know you got into creative writing. Valentina: I do yeah, it’s more just for myself as a means of expression, it’s not really anything I share with other people, but… Jess: Totally! So we’ll edit this out, you’re like, “Do not talk about my creative writing.” But that’s so cool. Like, what kind of things do you write about though? Just out of curiosity, I’m just being nosey now. Valentina: Yeah, so for me a lot of it is poetry. I like the word play component and… Jess: Yeah. Valentina: I usually try to draw from like feelings. So… Jess: Cancer right? Valentina: Yeah! Jess: Yes! This is um my partner, she like absolutely loves poetry and I feel this for anyone who either writes poetry or like really loves reading poetry is that they get like such higher, I don’t know how to say this, it’s like this higher vibration of thoughts. And she just gets so intentional with the words, like even with song lyrics and everything too, like…It’s so incredible. Valentina: Yeah, that’s like the first thing I pay attention to when I hear new music is like the lyrics and what story is being told. So. Jess: Yeah Valentina: That’s interesting Jess: And I’m sure that’s really like the perfect segue too because I’m sure that’s a lot of the skill that you bring into your therapy sessions. Valentina It is! It is and I think that in general, I have a curiosity about people and their stories and I try to bring that into our therapy sessions and I like to have a person centred approach and a strengths based approach when working with people. But, I also love to explore thoughts and feelings and get to know more of the context around a person and their life. So… Jess: And is that like… is that what drew you to ACT as well or? Like how does that fit in? Valentina: Definitely! It is something that has drawn me to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Um, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy looks a lot at context. Um sometimes the things that we do in one situation might not be appropriate in another situation or the thoughts that we have during one period of our life may not be the same thoughts that we have later in life. And so, I just love looking at the big picture and how everything fits into that um … and looking at which factors in our lives motivate us. Whether it’s the feelings, whether it’s life circumstances and what that motivation leads to as far as what action we’re taking. And how that fits into the life that we want to create for ourselves. Jess: Yeah, if I’m understanding correctly, just like, ACT can help somebody almost not to think so black and white maybe. Valentina: Definitely! I think a lot of times when we find ourselves thinking black and white, we miss a lot of what’s actually happening. So I do encourage people to kind of explore that grey area, in between the black and white and ask questions like, “Well, what purpose does this thought have in my life or this behaviour have in my life?”; “How is it serving me?”; “What about my situation right now is leading me to feel the way I am feeling or act the way I am acting?” Jess: Mhmm. So you can really hear that piece around the values coming in, like “What are my values and is that actually in line with my values?” Valentina: Exactly. Jess: Umm… Is this something that you feel as though comes up with like premarital sessions that you do? Valentina: One thing I notice with couples, when it comes to communication, I catch people having these mental rules. Um, sometimes one partner feels things have to be run a certain way or be done a certain way and the other partner has a completely different mental rule for themselves and for how things need to be taken care of. Um, so it can be so useful to come back to values and ask what is the shared vision for the future of this relationship and what are the shared values that you both have and is sticking to these rules or clinging tightly to them, serving that shared vision, serving the relationship. Once we build awareness around our own thinking or these mental rules, it’s a little bit easier to let go of them and realize “Okay you know what, maybe I have these rules because of my own upbringing and the things I was exposed to myself. My partner has different rules because of their upbringing, their context and we don’t have to let that divide us. We can connect over something that is more meaningful and more important for us. Jess: I suppose though, I am curious if it, if ACT comes up with sex, but I also don’t know if that’s been coming into your sessions at all. Valentina: So I think that ACT can play a role with regards to issues around sex, I think a lot of times we get caught up in our head and that can take away from being fully present when we’re trying to sexually engage with a partner. Sometimes building awareness around our own thinking and realizing we might be having thoughts like, “My partner should be the one initiating” or “I don’t feel attractive” um, then we can better understand like what our barriers are and what’s getting in the way. And with ACT a big component is actually mindfulness practice. So learning to detach from some of those thoughts a little bit and shift your focus with some flexibility more towards the experience in the moment and one way of kind of detaching from those thoughts that might not be serving you in the moment when you’re trying to be sexually intimate with a partner is simply noticing and naming – which seems pretty um I guess simplest, but by saying I’m noticing my mind is having the thought that I’m not attractive or I’m noticing my mind is making a judgment about my partner. Even that moment of time where you’ve stepped back and noticed your thinking, that provides you with an opportunity where you can be conscious about what happens next. So if we bring it back to values, if sex is important to you because you value that connection with your partner, then you can ask “Is buying into this thought or buying into this judgment bringing me closer to that?” Or should I give myself permission to let go of that and try to focus in on what will actually bring me closer. Jess: And so what would you say could be the differences I suppose between ACT, CBT, DBT. Valentina: Yeah, that’s a really good question. With ACT, CBT, and DBT, there are some similarities. Like all of these approaches examine behaviours, thoughts, feelings but there are some differences. Um, one of the most notable differences between ACT and CBT is the way that we approach our thinking. So in CBT a lot of times what we are encouraged to do is challenge the content of the thoughts we have. So, I”ll give an example, if you have a thought, “I’m not good enough” and I think that’s a pretty common thought most people can relate to. CBT might encourage you to look for evidence that you are good enough and to try to counter that thought or to change that thought into something different. Um, whereas with ACT the aim is rather than assessing the content of the thought, we look at the function of the thought. So for some people, CBT can be helpful they’re able to kind of disprove their thought and they feel better but sometimes that’s not enough and they still find themselves feeling not good enough. With ACT if you’re looking at function rather than asking if this thought is true or is this thought false, what you’re doing is asking, “Is this thought helpful for me?”; “Is this serving me?”; “Is this bringing me closer to who I want to be or the life I want to have?” Regardless of whether or not it’s true or false. Jess: Yeah, yeah, I can absolutely see that and especially in the examples you have given now. If I’m feeling like, maybe that low self-esteem, body kind of feeling and I’m judging myself I might try to change my thought pattern to be like, “Well, I can see my partner is really enjoying this, so it’s okay!” Valentina: Exactly! So you’re looking for evidence like, “My thought is false clearly, like my partner is liking this so they must be attracted to me.” And so those are instances where CBT can be helpful but sometimes though it has its limits, where even when somebody is recognizing that the brain is pretty powerful and will say, “Well that doesn’t mean that your attractive.” It will kind of mess with you a bit. Jess: Exactly! That’s what I was going to say, it’s almost like there’s a lack of validation in it of being like, that thought is also okay, right? Valentina: Right! Jess: But does it actually serve what I’m trying to do here or the goal that I’m trying to achieve, essentially. So is that where ACT gets its name from…? Like Acceptance and– Valentina: Commitment Therapy. It is related to that. ACT is a third wave cognitive behaviour therapy. The first wave of cognitive behaviour therapy was the behaviour component and then the second wave was the cognitive component and now this third wave focuses on acceptance. So we shift away from trying to get rid of unwanted feelings and broaden our focus to incorporating more meaningful action and accepting those feelings in our life and I want to clarify that a lot of people don’t like hearing accepting unwanted feelings, but what I mean by accepting is acknowledging that they are part of our reality not necessarily approving of them. Like clearly, they are unwanted- you’re not approving of them but recognizing when we have no control of that. Most of us might wish we had like a delete button in our brain where we could just get rid of thoughts we don’t want or get rid of feelings that are bothersome to us, but we don’t have that power. So a lot of our control actually lies within our actions which is part of why we call it ACT and um, part of letting go of that struggle is accepting, the acceptance part, um what the reality is and then we commit to values guided action. So it is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Jess: Yeah! Um. Who do you think could benefit from ACT? You know? Like I know we’ve talked about um folks in relationships or doing premarital counselling or folks who it sounds like, may be having some challenges with sex and intimacy with their partner. Uh…who else could be like a really good fit for ACT? Valentina: Yeah so, I may be biased because I love this approach, but I think that most people would benefit from ACT. And the reason why I think this is because so much is based on function. Like all of us have the capacity to ask ourselves how things are working in our lives. Um, and we all have the capacity to explore our personal values and those things that add a sense of meaning to our lives. Um, sometimes when we utilize like a thinking sort of approach where we’re sort of examining our thoughts we might get the feedback that, that sort of top-down, using the tops of our brains and trying to move down approach doesn’t work for people who are experiencing trauma or trying to get through post traumatic stress. However, with ACT there is this experiential component as well, which is that mindfulness piece where we get in touch with the sensations of the body. Um, so I think even for those individuals, ACT can be effective. So it’s kind of both a top-down and a bottom-up approach. Jess: Yeah. Valentina: I love using it, when I am working with individuals who have anxiety or depressive symptoms. I also find it helpful when someone’s had like a big transition in their life or if they’re trying to make a decision like, “Do I stay in this relationship, do I leave?”or “Do I stay in this job or do I look for something else?” Um, I think if you’re feeling like you’re struggling to kind of have your actions align with where you want to be in life then ACT would be a great approach for you. Jess: Yeah, so anyone who is basically feeling kind of stuck – a little stuck right now. Valentina: Yeah, it’s great for that for sure. Jess: Oh, well I can buy into that! Um.. Oh actually that was something, when you were mentioning the piece around um it either being like top-bottom or bottom-up or bottom to top, and that there’s like an ability for like using ACT to regulate emotions, is that… was I understanding that correctly? Valentina: Mhmm. Yes. Jess: Okay, so something that I think heard a lot with ACT is dropping Anchor! Valentina: Yes, yes. I love this concept of dropping anchor. It’s also known as grounding, but I like calling it dropping anchor too because it kind of conjures up this image of a storm, like an emotional storm and you are dropping anchor to steady yourself. You’re not getting rid of the storm, you’re just dropping anchor to keep yourself steady. You’re not getting rid of unwanted things, but you’re able to manage in that context and so dropping anchor is essentially is getting in touch with your senses. So it might involve on the movement in your body as you’re breathing it could involve sounds around you or visually what is surrounding you. I love focusing on points of contact or like the feeling of my feet against the floor or my back against the chair. The reason why we focus on these things is because they are all happening in the here and now and they’re easily accessible. So it can really be something that is useful when we find ourselves in a storm and uh, there is research behind mindfulness as well with regards to changing brain structures. So, actually if you practice dropping anchor with some consistency you can reduce the size of the amygdala in your brain, and that’s kind of that survival response centre. Jess: Yeah! Valentina: So that results in less intense anxiety experiences for people. Jess: Absolutely – I had no idea that it could reduce the size of the amygdala! That in and of itself is really incredible. Holy! Valentina: Yes, I love incorporating dropping anchor and any sort of mindfulness practice for that reason. Jess: I bet and that was the thing… what appealed to me with this dropping anchor idea is that it’s one of those handy tools where you can take it anywhere with you. Valentina: Yes! Jess: You know, what I mean? I’ve heard of folks who um, use it line at the cash and they are starting to feel impatient or frustrated in that moment and then they’re like, “Okay, this is a moment when I need to drop anchor.” Valentina: Oh yeah! Or when you’re like stuck in traffic and finding yourself frustrated, Jess: Oh God yeah, I could have used an anchor today. Absolutely! You know I’ve heard of, I’ve heard of ACT being used as you’re saying like we’ve gone through individual and now we’ve talked about relationship sessions – it’s also been used in groups right? Valentina: It has been! And I actually co-facilitate a group with one of my colleagues. Um, and there are some unique benefits of group work versus individual. So of course in an individual setting when you’re using ACT with a therapist, you get that full hour of air time, you get to explore on a deep level some of your own life experiences and your personal values, which is wonderful. Uh. A group setting however, has a lot of benefits that you don’t necessarily get in the individual group. When you’re working with a group you have this gift of different perspectives so it allows you to more easily see things in a new light. At the same time, hearing from other people, you start to recognize that you have a shared experience. Where before you might have felt alone in your experience now there are these other people who are sharing with the group that they also resonate with those same feelings so it can be a really validating experience to be working with a group. I think it’s also the preference for some people who don’t necessarily feel comfortable having all of the air time, they’d rather be a listener at times and then share when they feel comfortable, um, so that’s another perk of working in a group. There are some differences as well with the group, my colleague and I, we have an agenda for each week and there’s a psychoeducation component. We do start each session with a mindfulness exercise and then we allow for some various exercises around values and some discussion so it’s a little bit more structured than what you might find individually. Ideally, doing both would probably cover all the bases and be great. Jess: That’s incredible! And does anybody need anything to prepare for the group? Is there any homework they should do before jumping into a group setting? Valentina: So we usually have a 15 minute consult with people who are interested, where we talk about what to expect with the group. There’s not really any homework that needs to be done, Sheila and I – my colleague and I, we’re pretty prepared and we guide people through it so there’s nothing really to be afraid of. Jess: Oh that’s incredible, so me, if I don’t know my values and I’m feeling stuck – I’m all set to go? I can jump right into this course? Valentina: Right! We’ve got some tools to help identify values. Jess: Amazing! Well thanks so much Valentina for doing this with me! Valentina: Yeah, thanks so much for having me! Jess: And thank you all so much for joining us and for listening to our first episode here with Valentina. Like I said at the very beginning if you are looking to book an appointment either with Valentina or with another one of our therapists here at Bliss or to join in on some of our group therapy sessions that we’ve got going on, please give us a call at the office or send us an email. I hope that you all have a blissful rest of your days! [Outro Music] DID YOU ENJOY THE SHOW? LET US KNOW! Share your feedback with the author of the show, Jess Boulé (jess@blisscounselling.ca) or leave us a review on LibSyn!
Revolution from the Couch: Integrating Social Justice into Therapy Practices 19 October 2021 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Individual Therapy, Inspiration, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Therapy, Uncategorised Therapy is envisioned as a safe, unbiased space. In the therapy office, clients are free to explore their past and future, free from judgement or contempt. Clients expect their therapists to provide impartial, supportive advice, without fear that their therapist will discriminate against them in any form. This is an important cornerstone of the practice of therapy. However, this concept can also be misconstrued to mean that therapy is an apolitical practice. Therapists are thought of as neutral actors, who remove themselves from politics in the therapy room. While this may be the case for some therapists, therapy as a whole is deeply involved in politics and social justice advocacy. Many of the early developers of therapy as we know it were involved in politics and justice, such as those involved in the settlement housing movement. Therapists today deal with oppressive structures first hand – either through themselves or through their clients. This is not to say that therapy has always been on the side of social justice. Practices like conversion therapy have caused damage to LGBTQ+ folks, setting back progress decades. So, how are therapy and social justice intertwined? Can therapy truly be apolitical, or is neutrality no longer an option? And how can therapists use their practice to further social justice, while honouring the needs of their clients? De-Centre the Self, Understand the Structure It is a well-known fact among clinicians that poverty is linked with higher rates of depression and other mental illnesses. Those with mental illness can face barriers in education and employment that can push them into poverty; while those living in chronic poverty are more likely to develop a mental illness. A lack of access to resources and support can worsen mental health outcomes for those living in poverty. Oppression also contributes to mental health conditions. Experiencing racism, for example, increases stress and affects mental health conditions such as PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Even just the fear of racism can heighten stress levels, according to multiple studies. So where do therapists fit in? Therapy is often recommended as the first line of treatment for mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. Therapy often focuses on an exploration of the self to facilitate healing. However, for those who are oppressed, discriminated against, or living in adverse conditions, healing may be inhibited by structural issues like poverty. Without an acknowledgement or understanding of how certain conditions or societal issues can impact mental health, therapy cannot be truly effective. If a therapist is unfamiliar with issues such as poverty, racism, dis/ableism, sexism, or capitalism, it is encouraged that they do research to understand the realities of these issues. Many clients who take part in therapy will have first hand experience with these issues, and may require support in that area. Therapist practices can offer support groups directly related to structural issues such as racism or poverty, to ensure that the needs of their clientele are being met. They can also host workshops for their therapists to fill in gaps in knowledge. Support Marginalized Voices, Professionally and Individually Another way therapy practices can pave the way for social change is by opening up opportunities for marginalized folks. Marginalized groups face barriers accessing care, often due to cost or proximity. Providing sliding scales is one way therapists can make space for marginalized folks. Accessibility is key to providing holistic care. There are many barriers to therapy – financial, physical, or logistical. Sliding scales and accessible features are one way practices can make their care more accessible. Hiring therapists who speak other languages can also provide a wider scope of care, as mental health care is in high demand for non-English speakers. Marginalized individuals also face barriers to employment; hence, making the active choice to hire individuals from marginalized backgrounds is a concrete way to affect change. Marginalized voices have historically been excluded from health discourse, but they are essential for providing comprehensive care. Many employers create a statement to hire BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Colour) clinicians, which – when committed to – can make a difference in increasing diversity. Uplifting marginalized voices is also key within the therapy room. A principal concept of client-centred care is that humans are autonomous and have the right to determine their own path. This ensures that recovery in the therapy room is partly, or completely directed by the client, so that they can meet their needs. For marginalized folks, this may be difficult, as biases or blindspots in the therapist may impede their ability to self-direct. Non-BIPOC therapists must be mindful and allow clients to describe their experience of oppression in their own words. Their job is not to minimize oppression, but to understand it and help the client move towards healing. Giving marginalized voices a microphone, both in their healing and in their professional journey, contributes to the fight for social justice. It is just as important to listen to marginalized voices, as it is to speak up on their behalf. Go Beyond the Couch Care is not just about the individual, but also about the community. As we have discussed, many of the issues facing clients are structural – income inequality, discrimination, lack of affordable housing, etc. Some of these issues can’t be addressed in a therapy office, and must be taken to the streets. Some folks feel they cannot contribute to social change because they do not possess the required skills. The truth is that there are many ways to contribute to social justice. Perhaps you show up through protest or sign making; perhaps you write letters to political leaders or write social policy; perhaps you sell your crafts to fundraise for an issue close to your heart; or perhaps you provide home-cooked meals for those in need. Regardless, there are infinite ways to contribute to social change – and infinite reasons why. If you are a therapist, consider participating in community organizing. You will have a good idea of what issues are close to your clients’ hearts. Is it housing issues? Poverty? Hunger? Once you know, see how you can contribute to changing these issues. Showing up for your clients outside of the office is just as important as showing up for them in session. Justice = Mental Health Care Therapy is as much about changing an individual’s life as it is about changing the world. After all, creating self-reflexive, eternally curious individuals impacts the world in a positive way. However, therapists must go beyond the couch to provide authentic, socially just care. Show up for marginalized folks, professionally and individually. Uplift marginalized voices in your own life, in your community, and in your practice. Above all, keep in mind that social justice is more than a political movement; it is mental health care. Links: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/effects-of-racism#adults https://ontario.cmha.ca/documents/poverty-and-mental-illness/ https://www.counseling.org/docs/default-source/Government-Affairs/why_social_justice_is_a_counseling_concern-1.pdf?sfvrsn=2 https://www.utpjournals.press/doi/abs/10.3138/CHR.82.1.55 Written by: Catiyana Adam Catiyana, a music enthusiast, and avid writer. She has a keen interest in mental health, illness, and treatment, and is aspiring to be a therapist. Catiyana graduated from McMaster University in 2021 with a Honours Bachelor of Arts in Sociology. She focused on courses in health and illness, as well as families and feminist studies. She hopes to pursue a Master of Social Work at Wilfrid Laurier University next year.
New and Trending Research on Autism 28 June 2021 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Book Recommendations, Communication, Individual Therapy, Life Coaching, Relationships, Self Care, Therapy What is Autism Autism is hard to define. Not only because the definition itself changes all the time, but because it affects our perceptions, communication, social experiences, learning and behaviour; essentially, everything you need in order to get through the world. Any information that is being processed by the senses can easily over-stimulate an individual who is on the Autism Spectrum. On the other hand, an individual with Autism can also have difficulty processing input from their senses. This is why we discuss Autism, as a spectrum, and say,“If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.” How to diagnose ASD In order to be diagnosed with ASD, you need an assessment from a professional who can provide an assessment. This professional can be a doctor, social worker, psychiatrist, or psychologist, who are able to provide a screening using certain tools. In Canada and the United States, we use the DSM-5 as our tool for assessment and diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). The DSM-5 essentially is like a take out menu; you pick three criteria from column A, two from column B, and 1 from column C, D and E. The DSM-5 also uses a process called, scaling, where the person being assessed is also rated from 1-3 in terms of severity. This is more subjective, as diagnoses are not applied consistently in clinical practice, and as such are less useful from a treatment standpoint. However, the rest of the world uses ICD-11. The ICD-11 uses 3 subtypes or possible diagnoses: (1) Childhood, (2) Aspergers, or (3) Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS). IDC-11 includes profiles such as Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) , a profile where those on the spectrum may avoid demands that would even be pleasurable for them. Since there are different tools that could be used in order to assess a person for ASD, it means that we aren’t all communicating or understanding ASD from the same reference point, or speaking the same language, and as a result, researchers are finding it difficult to collaborate and synthesize common or generalizable patterns. Another big concern in trending research is the discrepancies between the age of concern (i.e., when behaviours and traits become apparent) and the age of diagnosis. Parents and teachers alike are noticing behaviours such as missed milestones and other common traits in children quite young that could indicate ASD. But, it takes years for the diagnosis. This is an unfortunate reality when it is expected (across all neurodiverse people) that the earlier the diagnosis, the better. As a result, we are losing critical time. Currently, we aren’t really sure how to screen more effectively, although researchers are doing their best to try to close this gap. What is the importance of an assessment Sometimes, when we are faced with a number of challenges, we need support. Some people may wish to receive support without a formal ASD diagnosis. For others though, an assessment may help an individual with accessing additional therapy or support programs such as, disability credits (for the adult or family & caregivers of a child or teen), an Individual Education Plan (IEP), or workplace accommodations. What is it be included in an IEP The best IEPs should be a living document that is changed and updated regularly and follows the person with ASD throughout their educational career. IEPs are mandated to be updated at least once a year, in the Fall when the academic year begins. However, the most effective IEPs are updated throughout the school year, as new information becomes available (i.e., new assessments, new interests, new motivations for goals, etc). It’s important that it also be reviewed regularly with the child’s teachers to ensure that they are up to date on all of the important details. IEPs should also include information on practical supports and longer term goals. For instance, you can ask yourself or your child if they are struggling with processing reading, emotional self-regulation, or other daily tasks and brainstorm ways in which they will be able to receive support in these areas throughout the day. When considering long term goals, such as establishing greater independence and/or self-advocacy, you’ll also want to consider whether it is achievable. Basically, we don’t want to give somebody with an ASD diagnosis a tool they are unable to use. Some goals, like self-advocacy, are quite lofty for a person on the spectrum and need to be broken down into smaller skills or parts in order for there to be incremental progress and success. Legally, IEPs are also to include a transition plan, by the age of 16. This is a very integral part of planning the next steps, as this person reaches the end of high school. IEPs may integrate strengths-based approaches. Typically IEPs have focused on the student needing support, or to be assimilated in the classroom, rather than focusing on where the student is already demonstrating success. A strengths-based approach views neurodiversity as a normal variation of the human genome that doesn’t need to be fixed. When incorporating this approach, we are working to maximize the students strengths, talents, and interests as well as their deficits and restricted interests. This process is collaborative and includes the student’s goals so that it is a helpful resource and tool for the student. When we aren’t collaborative in this process, the student isn’t invested or engaged, and why would they be? They didn’t contribute to the creation of the IEP or share their perspectives, experiences, goals or interests, which may be vastly different from those being provided by the parents, caregivers or teachers. This approach also considers the functions of the behaviour, not just the problem behaviours. In doing so we are pulling back the outer layers, the outward reactions, in order to understand what is happening for this person and why. If, for instance, a student relies on behaviour for regulation, then what are we going to do to support them? What is something else that could fill that same function or regulation piece? There’s value in setting the bar high. But, it’s also good for students who struggle to feel success, even if it means breaking a goal down into its most elemental parts, so that the student can attain it, feel success, and improve their self-esteem. How to navigate transitions Transition strategies are used to support individuals with ASD during changes or disruptions to activities, settings, or routines, by planning ahead (front loading) before the transition occurs. Transition plans are used to create predictability and positive routines around transitions. They can be presented to the individual verbally, auditorily or visually such as: Visual schedule planning (e.g., a white board, paper, excel spreadsheet); Electronic (e.g., timers, calendars, colour coded schedules and spreadsheets); Social stories; Visual memory may be higher than audio, verbal or written memory. By providing a visual schedule of the plan, the individual will be better able to remember and regulate the progression of how things are going to go. You may also want to include different colours to distinguish the events and the individuals favourite activities into the schedule. This way the individual can see that these rewards or interests are coming too. Electronic transition tools are great indicators that there will be a transition as well. Using an app on a phone or tablet, also allows them to take ownership of the transitions. When presented well in advance, social stories can help with preparing for a new transition, such as going to the airport for the first time. In this example, you can write a story of what happens when we go to an airport and walk the individual through the series of transitions (e.g., when we arrive to the airport, we will have to park, then we will have to get our bags from the trunk, then we will have to walk across a bridge to the planes, then we will have to wait in line to weigh our bags, then we will have to show our passports to get our tickets, then we will have to go through security, etc.). You can also add to this by finding resources online such as written, audio or video stories, as well as photos, that explain why we are following these steps. What is the difference between meltdowns and burnout Meltdowns and burnout both occur when the demands of a situation exceed the individual’s coping skills. Meltdowns are brief, they last for minutes to hours. The function of this behaviour is to indicate to the individual that they have just crossed a threshold, and offers them a chance to withdraw or regain their sense of control. In order to fully understand the reason for the meltdown, we need to understand the motivation behind the behaviour so that we can make a plan for managing it in the future. ASD burnout is a newer topic in research. It was identified as a new ASD experience when individual participants described the experience to researchers, and it was found to be a common trait. Burnout lasts approximately 1-3 weeks. If this time is exceeded, that’s when professionals begin to question if there are concurrent challenges being experienced, such as depression and anxiety. Burnout is brought on by an extended period of masking. We see it in those with ASD, who have higher social skills who are camouflaging their autistic behaviours. This process can be emotionally, mentally and physically taxing, and ultimately leads to losses in function. These skills, that they use to manage, end up getting lost or reduced. Burnout is present in teens, young adults, and adults at any age. It can amplify stimming behaviours or sensory sensitivity. Burnout is usually seen during transition stages, when expectations and behaviours have to change. The individual usually has no idea that the burnout is about to happen, until it does. Repeated meltdowns can also result in burnout. One resource, “No More Meltdowns” by Jed Baker, provides practical solutions for structuring and managing meltdowns and burnout. Video modelling (e.g., we are going to go to the doctor, then to the playground, etc.) also helps the individual to understand the expectations. Social narrative power cards and comic strips also help. The individual can make their own and manage their own emotions, by for instance, giving themselves a power up, when needed. Whichever method is chosen, the most valuable aspect is to ensure that the individual with ASD is buying into the tools. Other supports include offering choice (e.g., to wipe the table now or in 10 minutes or choice boards) as it helps the individual move toward the activity or goal, and provides them with supportive lessons in terms of limiting choices and power over the decision making process. As rule oriented people, individuals with ASD may also appreciate systems that incorporate rules and offer explanations as to why the rules are the way they are. How does ASD impact sexuality and gender There is a lot of research that is coming out quickly, that is related to sexuality and gender among individuals with ASD. But, it is limited because such individuals are such a proportion of our population. What we do know from the research however, is that only 50% of students with ASD are receiving the same level of sex education as their neurotypical peers. These individuals are sharing the same physical and sexual experiences as their peers, but are receiving less education on the topic, have fewer social supports, as well as a reduced understanding and application of social skills and awareness of social aspects. As a result, younger individuals with ASD are at a higher rate of sexual exploitation, especially online. The most common and fastest growing areas of vulnerability and exploitation are those who are in their tweens and teens. People online will ask them to do and say sexual things. They are then recorded, threatened, blackmailed, and bribed into doing more sexual things online. This is especially dangerous for neurodiverse individuals, because of the combination of lacking: (1) theory in mind, that is, they don’t understand that people would have a different motivation than theirs; (2) social skills, which prevent them from finding support or finding their way out of these situations; and (3) any preventative legal protections. Research has also been finding a strong connection between ASD and gender expression. For instance, studies have found that there is a higher prevalence of ASD in trans-individuals. There is also an overrepresentation of Individuals with ASD in gender clinics reports. There’s debate as to what the connection could be. For instance, when there are assessments being done, there are some ASD specific assessment concerns such as research which was exploring sensory factors of restrictive interests. In this study, the researchers noticed that young boys with ASD who were interested in sparkly, silky things and long hair. This finding aligns with social scripts of femininity or feminine interest. As a result, this interest could be a behaviour exhibited by somebody whose is questioning or considering their gender, but it could also be a sensory factor. Issues related to gender and sexuality are typically ignored when overlapping with a disability, generally, whether it’s physical or invisible. There is an assumption that the complexities that accompany gender and sexuality cannot exist, once somebody is diagnosed with ASD. These issues that are related to gender and sexuality, end up being treated as an obsession or transient phase. But there is some question around whether or not this is an issue of perception. For instance, a person with ASD may think, “I am a man, but I love baking… maybe I am a woman.” By assigning baking as a women-only interest, there may be an issue with being unable to distinguish a gender identity through the ambiguities of social scripts. This is why it is so important to discuss topics of sexuality and gender, as well as the assumptions of categorization or black and white thinking (i.e., that it has to be this or has to be that). Individuals with ASD also place less importance on social norms and don’t necessarily read social cues so they may not conform to gender binaries or scripts, as they feel less social pressure to follow these norms. Where to receive additional support and resources If you are interested in: Updating your tools and strategies for working with individuals with ASD; Creating an effective and strengths-based IEP; Learning more on the functions of ASD behaviours and regulation strategies; Mastering skills like advocacy, goal setting, and independent living skills; Exploring sexuality and gender as it relates to ASD; Understanding the rights for accommodations as an ASD person at school or in the workforce; Finding ways to connect with self and others Then, book an appointment with Josh and receive support that is uniquely tailored to your needs. CLICK HERE to view his online schedule and find a date/time that works best for your schedule. ___________ Written by: Josh Rinz Josh Rinz (MA, RP, AAT) has a Bachelor of Science in Biology from the University of North Carolina and a Masters of Theology, specializing in Spiritual Care and Psychotherapy from Wilfrid Laurier University in Waterloo, ON. Josh is a leading expert in the mental health field, especially when it comes to working with neurodiverse children and adults, as well as their caregivers! He is committed to quality, evidence-based therapeutic practices that work in collaboration with his clients to improve their emotional, cerebral, spiritual, and relational wellbeing. Josh brings an enthusiastic and innovative approach to therapy. Working with diverse individuals, families, and caregivers, he believes in the importance of creating a safe and engaging space where clients can explore their personal stories and discover their sense of hope within. Josh has the training, the experience, and a very special interest in working specifically with adolescents on the autism spectrum, as well as neurodiverse people and those with additional special needs and considerations. He strongly believes in supporting the whole ecosystem of an individual, which includes providing specialized support to the families and caregivers.
HOW TO TALK TO A LOVED ONE ABOUT THEIR MENTAL HEALTH 6 November 2020 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Guest Post, Life Coaching, Relationships, Uncategorised Being open about our mental health is not a given. Many people living with mental health concerns and emotional pains, or wounds, feel uncomfortable sharing their experience with those around them, and understandably so. Discussions around mental health may still be considered ‘taboo’ for some folks.Despite mental health being a difficult conversation, the reality is that an estimated 1 billion people around the world have concerns about their mental health. During COVID, these conversations may be unavoidable, as families and households are spending more time together in close proximity. Why is Mental Health Taboo? Mental health can be a difficult topic for people for a variety of reasons. Depending on our race, gender, upbringing, religious background, world views, many factors can affect how we relate to and view mental health. I’m sure many can relate to the idea of men having to present as ‘macho’, as the ‘bread-winner’ and being ‘strong’, while women may relate to the stereotype of having to present as ‘vulnerable’ and ‘agreeable’ or ‘passive’.These stereotypes impact the way society views and accept one another. When we do not fit into some of these narrow views of how we “should” identify or present ourselves, it may make others feel uncomfortable, and we may end up feeling unaccepted, or unwanted. Our mental health is affected by these societal values and standards, but some of the challenges we face can also be caused by them. For example, many of us struggle with our mental health when we feel a loss of purpose, community, or understanding. As humans, we need purpose. It’s an evolutionary survival trait. We seek a community for the same reason. There is safety in numbers and we crave to be understood, accepted and welcomed in our groups.When people hold cultural, religious, gender-related biases within their values, it can create a disconnect in our ability to feel understood and to feel as though we relate to those around us. These biases, that to a certain degree, we all have, can make us feel uncomfortable when discussing certain topics, such as mental health. If I was brought up by a family and community who value traditions in gender and hetero norms, and I was born as someone who was gay, for example, I may struggle to come to terms with who I am, but more so, those around me may not be willing to listen to or try to relate to who I am. Essentially… mental health is taboo because we make it so. How to Talk to Someone Struggling with their Mental Health Before opening a dialogue with someone about their mental health, it’s worth taking a step back and asking ourselves these questions.Can I put aside my opinions, which have been formed through my very unique life experiences, to try to approach this situation from a place of open understanding and empathy?In other words, can I appreciate that my opinions and values have been shaped by my very unique experiences throughout life and that those experiences differ wildly from those around me? We are all individuals with very different lives. What may seem normal or a given to one person may be completely foreign to another.Am I ready to listen and be there for this person regardless of my opinions around mental health?How can we respond when someone shares something with us that we cannot relate to or understand? When we can’t relate to an experience, it can be really difficult to listen with intent. If someone is approaching us sharing a hardship, and we don’t recognize the situation as a hardship, that doesn’t mean it isn’t difficult for the person in question. For example, if someone loses their pen and has a panic attack, someone who has never experienced this feeling may consider that person is ‘over-exaggerating’ or ‘crazy’. However, for this person, they may be experiencing obsessive-compulsive symptoms. Their perspective may be that they’ve just lost the item that made them feel safe and in control of their anxiety. Not everyone can relate to this feeling, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. And just like people with a herniated disk, people with obsessive-compulsive symptoms need to be given time and support to recover. During COVID, it is particularly important to be mindful of respecting one’s personal space. Conversations can get heated, and living in close proximity to our loved ones can cause discussions to escalate without an escape or a break. If you notice a conversation becoming confrontational or unproductive, honour yourself and your loved one by taking a step back from the conversation, revisiting it at a time when the people involved are ready to speak calmly and listen with intent and empathy.Am I Mentally Prepared to Listen about this Person’s Experience with Mental Health?It’s important to check in with our own mental health before opening our hearts and ears to anyone else. It’s like the aeroplane safety videos say, put on your own safety equipment before helping others, because you won’t be much help if you don’t. Simple Rules to Abide By Listen. Many people with mental health concerns are in need of someone to share with. A lot of the time, talking things through and verbalizing our anxieties can put them into perspective. Take some of the pressure off of yourself, you don’t have to have any answers to fix your loved ones mental health. Offering your time and attention, showing you care and are there to support them, is enough.Mirror their tone. It’s super common for people to use humour as a defence mechanism. If the person you’re talking to is laughing about their own mental health, it could be that they are doing it to cope through the conversation, in which case, if it comes naturally to you and you’re comfortable with the person, you can laugh too. If they aren’t laughing though, neither should you.Be careful with recommendations. ‘Oh you have X? I’ve heard Y is the BEST for treating X!’ – If they’re talking to you about X, they’ve probably heard of Y. Heck, they may even have tried it already! Recommendations are fine and may be appreciated, but just recognize that the person hearing your suggestions may… Not be ready to hear it; Not be ready to take the information in; Already have tried it; Just want to talk and share their frustrations.Unless you’re a healthcare provider with experience in the mental health space, you likely aren’t going to know enough to be able to recommend specific treatments. By all means, offer help in researching treatment plans, but you shouldn’t assume to know what is best for the individual unless you have had formal training. Remember, we’re all different! What worked for a friend in a similar situation may not work for everyone. We all have unique reasons for our mental state, and we all have different responses to types of therapy, treatment and medication.How to Access Support If you’re doing research looking for suggestions for your loved one for treatment, here’s what you need to know. Currently, worldwide, access to in-person therapy is limited due to COVID. In certain areas, in-person therapy may be an option. For the areas that it’s not, there are online treatment plans available.Online therapy allows people to get help from the comfort of their homes, which for many, is incredibly convenient in 2020. The best form of treatment known for folks who are experiencing obsessive-compulsive symptoms is a form of therapy known as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). This approach is available online as well as in-person. There are also self-help practices that people with mental health concerns may wish to try, such as meditation or breathing exercises, but depending on the severity of the challenges or symptoms, seeking professional help may be more suited.When speaking with a loved one about mental health, remember to approach the conversation with empathy and patience. Seeking help for our mental health is tough, and the person struggling may need time before they can ask for the help they may need. Discuss options with them in an open-minded way without expectations. If your loved one has shared that they are planning to harm themselves or others, seek urgent support by calling 911, going to your nearest Emergency Department, or by reaching out to HERE 24/7. _______ Written by: Gabie Lazareff Gabie Lazareff is a certified health coach, yoga teacher and freelance nutrition & wellness writer. After years of navigating the messy waters of mental health, her mission is to share her experiences and advice with others.
How COVID-19 Can Make Us Feel Alone: 5 Ways To Help That 13 August 2020 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Guest Post, Life Coaching, Relationships, Self Care As the coronavirus pandemic continues, many of us are feeling lonely. Our usual routines of seeing friends, family, even colleagues, are no longer the norm and the social habits we used to adhere to have changed. Consequently, loneliness is a genuine and growing problem. But there are ways to combat it yourself. The lockdown has eased and social gatherings are now permitted, albeit with certain restrictions. But even then, some of us may not feel comfortable coming into contact with groups of people. We may still be shielding as a precaution and the thought of socializing after such a prolonged period in isolation might seem daunting. If COVID-19 has left you feeling lonely, read on to discover a few ways that you can help it. Live in the moment If you’re feeling lonely, it can be tempting to think that this will last forever, especially with the world in such disarray. Indeed, with questions persisting of how long this ‘new normal’ will last, when the next spike will arrive, how to prepare for the future, and so on, you might be feeling physically and mentally exhausted. If you are diabetic, for instance, you might be in a constant state of apprehension at the thought of shielding for the foreseeable future. Government programs that provide financial relief for self-isolating workers won’t last forever, and the question of whether to remain shielding or return will only amplify that further. Trans people are also in a similar situation. With medical resources being diverted toward coronavirus, effective and inclusive treatments have become increasingly difficult to find. The uncertainty of when (or if) they will receive their required medication causes immense stress and apprehension, impacting their mental health as a result. And there are doubtless many parents who relied on school or summer camps to help ease the burden of childcare. For single parents, this will only be exacerbated — when your life is a balancing act of work and childcare, it leaves little time for socializing, amplifying feelings of loneliness as a result. Consequently, it’s important to live in the moment as much as possible. Enjoy the physical and sensual things around you. The smell of coffee, the sound of leaves rustling in the wind, the feel of the sun on your face — these are all simple pleasures that we often overlook while focusing on the what-ifs of the future. Mindfulness is an especially effective technique for helping you achieve this. Focus on the situation around you and try to shut out other thoughts. You might find it helpful to use a mindfulness app such as Calm to help you achieve this. Seek therapy where necessary Loneliness is something virtually everyone experiences at some point in our lives. Even the most bubbly and vivacious people feel lonely at times. But in some cases, loneliness can be so debilitating that it requires professional, informed insight to help us work through our issues and find the answers within. One can even feel lonely in relationships, even during the lockdown. Someone might be struggling with their mental health and retreat into themselves, even isolating from their partner, housemates, family, friends, colleagues, even their own children. Professional insight can give us a sense of perspective, helping us navigate these difficult and unusual times. This applies whether you’re in a relationship or solo. Independent, informed exploration of your feelings gives you valuable insight into your relationships, both romantic and otherwise, so you can understand better how to love yourself on your own terms. Start a project to distract the mind Being alone isn’t necessarily a bad thing — it’s just how you deal with being alone that matters. Some people are quite comfortable being alone, while others struggle. Introverted people, in particular, might find the new easing of restrictions actually exacerbates their loneliness. It can seem as though everyone else relishes the chance to meet and socialize again, with introverts feeling like the odd one out for not sharing that excitement. Starting a project is a great way to distract your mind and help you enjoy your alone time. A good project gives your mind something practical to focus on, other than ruminating on your loneliness. It forces your brain to think, challenging it to solve a problem. Jigsaws are a good example of this. A complex puzzle requires the mind to think, and the final result makes one feel productive. Similarly, you might find painting a therapeutic project to fill your mind for the same reasons. Whatever project you choose, remember to pour yourself into it. Let it fill your mind and give purpose to your solo time, distracting yourself from your negative thought cycle. This is easier said than done, of course — some may have deeper traumas that are more difficult to manage. But a common CBT technique might prove useful for some here. View your mind as a clear blue sky, and your thoughts as clouds. If an intrusive, negative thought drifts into your mind, don’t fixate on it. Instead, simply acknowledge it is there, and return your focus to the task at hand. This helps you push past intrusive thoughts, giving you some degree of control, not over your thoughts themselves, but certainly how they manifest within your mind. Make the most of video calls During the lockdown, it’s easy to neglect the usual relationships we have. Unable to see friends, family, and loved ones in person, we can easily stay inside without talking to anyone for days, and it becomes a habit. But it’s crucial that you take steps to pursue those connections. Video technology like Zoom or Houseparty makes it easy to stay in touch with loved ones. You’ve likely played an online quiz with friends, family, loved ones, or colleagues, for instance. But some people have taken video calls to creative new heights — virtual picnics, virtual card games, even a virtual happy hour. For introverts, these activities can still seem quite daunting, even with loved ones via a video call. Instead, something like Netflix Party offers a more subdued social activity that you can enjoy via video. This is a particularly great option for parents too. Reach out to a fellow parent and stick on a film for the kids, while you can have a catch-up via video. If you are LGBTQI2S+ and have suddenly found yourself living at home again, you might experience difficulties with your family members. Not all families are as inclusive, and video calls with fellow LGBTQI2S+ offer welcome relief. It’s worth trawling LGBTQI2S+ Reddit communities here — reach out to others in the same situation and arrange a video call. Connecting with someone in the same situation can be a wonderful salve for loneliness. Just as you might usually meet up with a colleague for a lunchtime coffee or have an evening walk with a friend, take those meetings online with a video hangout. Arrange to have an online quiz or game of cards — whatever it is, as long as you’re staying in touch, even virtually. No, it’s not the same thing as meeting up with someone in real life. But it builds social habits that will tide you through these difficult times. Make a plan for your day and beyond A good plan is essential for staving off loneliness and building a positive mental mindset. This is particularly true during the lockdown, as our usual routines have been thrown into disarray. Plan your day, week, and month so you know what to expect. Create a routine and wake, eat, exercise, and sleep at the same time every day (as much as possible). This builds good mental stability and prevents you from wallowing. But this planning extends beyond your day ahead of you. It’s also worth planning what you want to do once the lockdown has lifted. Think about loved ones you want to visit and places you want to see — this gives you something to look forward to and buoys your spirits when you need it most. Loneliness can happen to us all, and if left unmanaged, it can lead to serious mental health issues over time. Follow the tips above and take steps to help manage your loneliness and keep your head above water during the pandemic. _______________ Written by Orion Talmay Orion Talmay is a wellness expert and love coach. Through her integrative approach, Orion’s Method, she helps women awaken their inner goddess and nurture their feminine confidence. Orion is a graduate of Tony Robbins’ Mastery University and holds certifications with the AAPT, KBA, and AFFA.”
The Not So Secret Ingredient Every Relationship Needs to Thrive 3 April 2019 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships There are many components that most healthy relationships need to thrive including communication, intimacy and honesty. The one element that remains at the top of relationship experts’ lists is trust. Trust is incredibly important to the success and fulfillment of all relationships, especially intimate or romantic ones. Whether you believe that trust is something to be earned or something that’s given freely until proven otherwise, it is true that we all carry around pieces of our past in some way or another. Perhaps we’re unconsciously referring back to lessons we learned as kids from the adult role models or parents in our lives. Maybe we’re having trouble learning to trust a new partner, rebuild trust in a partner, or even prove that we are trustworthy. Trust is necessary for healthy relationships to grow. Trusting your partner means you can count on them. It’s knowing for sure that they’ll do their best to get your takeout order right at the Thai restaurant on Friday night. It’s also about having faith that they’d pick you up if you were stranded on the side of the road and that they’ll handle any vulnerable information you share with care. Mutual trust means that they can count on you for all of the same reasons. Trust and communication go like peanut butter and jelly—you need both. And for an intimate relationship to grow deeper, you can’t have one without the other. Wherever you and your partner(s) are on the spectrum of trust—it’s often something that can be further enriched over time. So how do you do that? Here are some top tips we share with clients in relationship coaching. Showing your trust Even though the early stages of a fresh new relationship are filled with fun, they can also be filled with worry. Perhaps you’ve hesitantly sent a text and then didn’t hear back and the thoughts running through your head run from, “They don’t really like me,” to “They’re seeing someone else,” only to hear back, “Sorry! I was just driving!” The good news is that you’re not alone. Everyone has experienced something similar at one point or another in a past or current relationship. The early stage of a new relationship is the most essential time to focus on building trust between one another. Starting your relationship with honesty and transparency in all of your communication can go a long way. Do what you say you’re going to do One of the simplest ways to build trust is to follow through and merely do what you said you were going to do. When your partner(s) can rely on you to show up, be consistent, dependable, and honest, these easy actions will serve you for your entire relationship together. And if you happen to make a mistake (don’t worry, we all do), make it right as quickly as possible, apologize, and then avoid repeating that same blunder. Repair trust in a relationship Once broken, trust can be repaired—though not always easy, or quick. Regardless of the reason for needing to rebuild trust, you can make efforts to repair what’s been broken (in some cases). You can’t, however, control how the person you hurt or offended by breaking the trust will react, or even be sure that they want to correct what has happened. Regardless of the receptiveness of your partner(s), the most important move is to take responsibility right away—and doing it without acting in defense. It helps to show the other person that you value the relationship and want to make an effort to move forward while respecting the others’ needs. How to handle it if your partner doesn’t trust you If your partner doesn’t trust you, try to keep in mind that it’s about them—not you. Even if you trust your partner, you may have a trust discrepancy in your relationship. And it can be frustrating when nothing you seem to do can help reassure your partner that you’re trustworthy. Avoid taking it personally if you can, and know that it’s not a reflection on your behaviour (assuming you’ve been trustworthy). Then, all you can do is continue to show just how reliable you are. This can feel tiring if your partner is doubting you, but worth the effort if you value the relationship. Lastly, if your partner betrayed your trust and you’re feeling like it’s irreparable—it very well might be. Every situation and every relationship is unique. We’re here for you if you need to talk this through. Written by Bliss Sex & Relationship Therapist, Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you liked this article on trust you might enjoy these too: What Does it Mean to be Authentic? Others Will Treat You the Way You Let Them —3 Keys to Boundary-Setting How to Ask for the Sex you Want in 8 Completely Practical Tips Do you have any questions about trust in your relationship? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
5 Tips to Feel More Grateful and Blissful 18 March 2019 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Guest Post, Individual Therapy, Inspiration, Relationships, Self Care, Therapy No one is immune to the stress of everyday life. The grind we face at work, the conflicts we encounter (and often cause) in personal relationships, the dissatisfaction with our selfhood – it all plays havoc with how aware we are of the true beauty that life holds. We miss the grateful smile of a waiter whom you tipped, the elderly couple celebrating their half-a-century of togetherness, and we’re blind to the beauty of an urban sunset, too busy rushing to catch our bus. While it’s true that all of your troubles and their gravity can cause you emotional turmoil, we all have the ability and numerous opportunities every day to become more open to the wonders of life and feel genuinely grateful for them. It’s like finding your little safe haven of bliss in the eye of a storm: and here are the five ways to become more attuned to your inner child, one amazed and grateful for life even amidst chaos. Find your words Our mind is shaped by the words we use to describe ourselves. When you find yourself feeling guilty over a mistake you’ve made, you further exasperate the emotion and hurt your self-perception by “rubbing it in” with harsh language and self-deprecating thoughts. It becomes automatic, so we curse and complain and punish ourselves for the smallest of failings, no matter how human they are. We set impossible standards and expectations. And we always focus on our shortcomings, even when we do succeed. Being more grateful should start within, by choosing a different language to describe yourself and your accomplishments. Would you ever use those stern words to comfort your friend for their recent failure? You wouldn’t even use the word failure in all likelihood. Start writing your words down, and start reshaping your self-descriptions with more love and more encouragement. It will ultimately help you perceive yourself as the worthy, imperfect, incredible person that you are. Nurture your closest bonds As our lives develop, we spend so much of our time on distractions rather than our life’s substance and its deepest meaning. We’ll spend more time scrolling our Facebook feed than talking to our loved ones, or watching TV instead of visiting our family. Our parents are perfect examples of this digital abyss we’ve fallen into: they have helped us build our independence, and now we find ourselves mesmerized by the irrelevant, too busy to express our gratitude for such unspoken gifts. While it’s true that holidays shouldn’t be the only time to show our gratitude for our family members, if you take the time to peruse through Mother’s Day gifts in order to find the perfect one for your mom, you’ll let your actions speak for you to express your gratitude. When it’s evident from the gift itself that you haven’t treated it as another chore, but as an opportunity to express your love, your family will know and appreciate the gesture. Remember, every day is Mother’s Day. So perhaps while we wait for May 12th, a phone call is in order? Take a deep breath The fact that some things go without saying, such as your mom’s love and affection, does not mean that we should take them for granted. Breathing, for instance, is a perfect example of something we take for granted that has an incredible ability to heal us. One of the best ways to nurture your mindfulness every day is to include breathing exercises paired with affirmations. They will not only help you soothe your anxieties in the moment of practice, but they’ll also help you become more mindful of your every moment of every day. You’ll start noticing your stress triggers and you’ll have better control of your experience, you’ll learn how to let go of resentment and focus on the present moment. Forgive yourself as well as others While we’re on the topic of resentment, we spend too much of our time stressing over what we’ve done wrong or what was done to us in the past. The simple truth is that the only way you’ll ever have the chance to enjoy your present is if you let go of the past – it has already shaped you to an extent, we all have moments we regret, but they needn’t taint our present and our future as well. Forgiveness is the only vessel we need to give ourselves a chance to fully enjoy our present, and the only vessel we need in order to outgrow our past self. If you let anger or regret permeate your entire life, you relinquish control to those negative emotions and the events that have caused them – forgiveness means taking back control over your life. Make a difference Finally, sometimes we need and should get a different perspective in order to fully grasp the value of our lives. Ask what you can do for others, how you can make a difference for others, and let your ego deflate a little bit – you and I are not the only creatures that matter in this universe. If you can do something to help others, whether it’s helping your elderly neighbor clean their garden or donate your clothes to those in need, you’ll quickly contribute to a valuable cause and give yourself a new vantage point, one of appreciation. Life is indeed too short to spend it on resentments. Use these simple tips to help yourself feel more grateful, and you’ll unleash an avalanche of bliss into your life, no matter how many hardships you face in the future. Written by: Sophia Smith Sophia Smith is a beauty blogger, eco-lifestyle lover, graphic designer and food enthusiast. She is focusing on minimalism and good quality. Her other hobbies center around her love for nature, well-being and living in balance. Sophia writes mostly about beauty-related topics in her blogs and articles. She has contributed to a number of publications including: Life Goals Mag, Savant Magazine, Secret Garden, Bonvita Style, Cause Artist and Book Meditation Retreats. You can find out more about her writing by following her on: Facebook Twitter Google +
Single this Valentine’s Day? We’ve got you Covered! 5 February 2019 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Individual Therapy, Inspiration, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Self Care, Therapy As Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, it’s hard not to notice stores filling up their shelves with chocolates, stuffies, cards and everything pink and red. For those that soak up all the fun, loving, mushy sentiments, Valentine’s Day can be great! But what about those of you who are riding solo this year? Here are 5 ways to help navigate this Hallmark holiday: Check in with yourself.What emotions is this day bringing up for you? Once you have identified if there are any lingering feelings that you haven’t dealt with, you can begin to make space to process them. Whether it’s sadness, loneliness, relief or happiness, what are you feeling? Are you holding on to a past relationship, lover, experience, etc.? What do you need to heal and move forward? Valentine’s Day can stir this pot, so make sure you are being honest with where you are at, and what you need. Check in with your friends.Who else is in the same boat as you? Sometimes it can be helpful to know that there are others feeling the same way. Do you have other single friends that you could connect with? Or maybe even friends that are in relationships that don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day? Think about getting together and going out for a movie, dinner, paint night, dancing, a spa day, a yoga session or a killer spin class. If going out isn’t your thing, maybe you could have a low key night at home, or invite friends over for dinner or to hang out on the couch catching up. All my friends are coupled up, so now what do I do? Do something for yourself!Buy yourself those special chocolates you were eyeing earlier at the grocery store, take yourself out for dinner or order in your favourite dish. Do something that will make you feel good and empowered. We are our own worst enemies, and we can get wrapped up or lost in our own thoughts and self-judgments. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. Remember that you are worthy of love and healthy relationships, but being single can be celebrated just as much as being coupled up; and Valentine’s Day gives you the opportunity for self-reflection and well-deserved me time! Check in with your family.Maybe you could use this day to have dinner with your parents, or to spend time with a grandparent. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Maybe you could babysit them while their parents go out. It could be fun to do cheesy crafts again, or decorate some heart shaped goodies! Limit social media.We all have those friends on our Facebook or Instagram feeds who create over the top posts on how great their partner is, and how loved they are. While that may be something they feel is important for them to share on their platform, it can feed challenging or unhelpful thoughts that you may be experiencing. Social media has the tendency to contribute to our need to compare where our friends are at in their lives and relationships with where we are. So, if you think you may feel triggered by seeing what your friends are sharing on Valentines Day, don’t spend as much time scrolling! There isn’t a clear path to avoiding Valentine’s Day altogether, but there are definitely ways to help you navigate the day and get out on the other side. If you really do find yourself struggling with where you’re at right now and need someone to talk to, you can always connect with one of us here at Bliss Counselling. Do you need some ideas of solo activities, or things to do with friends this Valentine’s Day? Check out these websites for things to do around KW! https://www.ammayoga.ca (Restorative yoga? Yes please!) https://www.hustlandflow.com/home (Kick boxing, spin classes, yoga and juice bar) https://www.socialart.ca (Get your paint on) https://www.dejavusalonandspa.ca (Pamper yourself) https://www.thewatersspa.com (Making me time) https://www.ginaspa.com (Focusing on yourself) http://adventurerooms.ca(Grab a team and try to escape these rooms) https://batlgrounds.com/axe-throwing-kitchener/ (Let it go!) https://www.ctrlv.ca/ctrl-v-waterloo-flagship/ (Whoa!) https://www.cineplex.com/Theatre/cineplex-cinemas-kitchener-and-vip?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=local&utm_content=CPXKitchenerVIP (Drinks, food, movies, sounds like a plan) https://apollocinema.ca (A gem kind of spot) http://www.princesscinemas.com (And they have a café too!) https://www.facebook.com/PatentSocial/ (Super Mario!) https://www.acepingponglounge.com (Ping Pong) http://www.crossroadscafe.ca (Board games) http://www.gamesontap.ca (More board games) Written by Bliss sexologist Lindsay Kenna. Learn more about Lindsay and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here.
7 Relationship Challenges Therapists See All the Time 28 January 2019 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Therapy In a new relationship, everything feels fresh and fun. You anticipate dates for days in advance with butterflies in your heart and are uncovering all these goodies about each other every day. It’s like unwrapping your birthday gifts all year long. Over time, as you grow closer and more familiar with one another you’re likely to run into some bumps in the road. In couples therapy, we work with clients on these kinds of issues—big, small, and everything in between, every day. So first, know that you’re not the only ones running up against these challenges. Next, based on our work with couples who have navigated or are still finding their way around these tricky spots, here are the top challenges that pop up most often between couples, and how to approach them: 1. Your partner has some bad habits (and it’s grating on your nerves) Perhaps your partner has a habit of leaving dishes on the counter or leaving empty rolls of toilet paper for you to change. At first, these little quirks didn’t bother you much. Maybe you noticed but didn’t pay it much attention. Perhaps you’ve even mentioned it a few times thinking they’d change their ways. Well, here you are months or years later and nothing has really changed. Loving your partner(s) means learning to fully accept less than desirable habits. You could keep falling down the irritation trap and mention the toilet paper or the dishes thing every time it happens. Or, after not noticing changes, you could learn to let insignificant things go. If your partner is engaging in any kind of behaviour that’s truly hurtful, harmful, or crosses any of your boundaries, then your communication will need to be more direct. This also may be a good time to bring in a couples therapist. 2. You may argue about your families Your partner chose you but they can’t choose their family. Though at times, maybe you wish you could send some family members back, but that’s not helping to strengthen your communication with your partner. Family is often a sensitive topic between couples, and there’s a lot that comes into play here, from upbringing, culture, and what one partner deems as “normal” family stuff. Boundaries are helpful in all relationships, and especially ones where family members may be causing a problem. 3. Your partner can’t fill all the shoes We might have a long list of demands of our partners. We require them to be the love of our lives, be romantic, be our sexual partners, parenting partners, best friends, and even financial advisors. It’s not possible or necessarily even healthy for one person to tick all the boxes on another’s list of demands. We all have many needs, and need a variety of people in our lives to fill these different roles. 4. Your desire will fluctuate If your sensual encounters were toe-curling in the early months of your relationship, and then one of you suddenly lost interest a few months down the road, this is totally normal. Our lives are in a perpetual state of change, including our sexual desires. There are many things that can affect our fluctuating desire levels, from family, stress, work, and a jam-packed schedule. A mismatch in desire creeps into the healthiest of intimate relationships and that’s perfectly natural. Sometimes couples need to let go of the idea that sex is the end goal, and learn to find more pleasure in all the other ways they can be intimate together. In our practice, we work with couples to help them communicate what’s going on behind a desire discrepancy, and work with them to find a new groove that works for them. 5. Money may be a source of conflict Once financials co-mingle, this can be an added stressor for many couples. When people come together in a relationship, they each bring their own ideals, values, and perceptions of money and how it should be spent, saved, and handled. We often recommend alleviating financial tension by having clients act like more of a team to handle any money issues and decisions as they come up. 6. Work might get in the way When you first started dating, perhaps you or your partner would drop everything for a chance to go out to dinner. As you got more comfortable in your relationship, other competing priorities likely crept in. Perhaps even a promotion or new job calls for more attention than in the past. Regardless of the reason for the change, work might come up as a point of contention at one point in your relationship. 7. Staying faithful is hard work You or your partner may inevitably become attracted to others, and you may even find yourself wondering if you made the right partner choice. The essential point to keep in mind is that while staying monogamous can feel hard at times, it’s worth the effort if it’s something both of you value. Alternatively, a sex-positive relationship therapist can support you in exploring consensual non-monogamy. As you spend more time in an intimate relationship, know that every bump you encounter has the power to help you deepen and strengthen your connection. Staying mindful of everyone’s feelings, keeping communication kind and honest, and putting a deliberate effort into your relationship can help you come out the other side of any troubles even closer than you were before. Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch”here. If you enjoyed this article you might like these too: How to start a meaningful conversation about sex Others will treat you the way you let them —3 keys to boundary-setting Sex therapy virgin? What to expect Do you have any questions for us? Or do you need some help with creating healthy habits in your relationship? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
7 Essential Habits of People in Healthy Relationships 7 January 2019 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Therapy Healthy Relationships—They take work, self-awareness, and (frequent) communication. And that’s not all. Growing a budding relationship into a thriving one that feels good for everyone involved takes deliberate and focused attention. What we pay attention to grows, and our intimate relationships are no different. Whether you’re on your third date or you’ve been together for three decades, studies show that the more connected we are to our partners, the happier we are in all other areas of our lives. Those in the healthiest relationships have some key things in common. They practice relationship-building habits. And not just at the beginning of the relationship, but years into their intimate adventure too. Here are 7 habits to go deeper in your intimate relationships: 1. Lay on the praise Peek inside a healthy relationship and you’ll see an abundance of compliments and praise. They’ll do this publicly too—they aren’t afraid to show their appreciation for one another. They also talk about their partners in a positive light instead of complaining. The healthiest relationships focus on all the good things about their partner(s) instead of focusing on all the things they wish were different. 2. Prioritize connection People in healthy relationships regularly connect each day and every week—no matter what. No matter how busy life and work gets. In our practice, we’ve seen people taking regular after-dinner walks, making the time to connect over coffee in the morning, scheduling date nights and sticking to them. Even 20-minutes spent alone with your partner, distraction-free, even from bed, can do wonders to amp up the closeness factor of your relationship. To make the most of your conneting time, put all outside distractions such as your phone, computer, and all other screens away! If you have kids, an excellent opportunity to do this may be when they’re asleep for the night, or at Grandma’s. Doing so is good modeling for children too! When they’re old enough, direct the kids to avoid interrupting you because it’s your adult time to connect over coffee (or whatever else you’re connecting over!). 3. Laugh—a lot Having a sense of humour is essential for life, and possibly even more important for people in relationships. It’s hard to stay mad when someone can lighten the mood. Of course, leave the laughs out of the serious conversations, but the more you can weave some snorts and giggles into all your moments, the more connected your intimate relationship will feel. 4. See life from their eyes Great relationships are filled to the brim with empathy. They know how to put themselves in each other’s shoes. When people empathize with one another, they’re usually able to get past common misunderstandings that creep up in all relationships. Helping the other person feel seen, heard, and valued is a way to show you genuinely care. 5. Keep flirting Keep the fun and flirty interactions going long after the first few dates. When partners flirt with each other, they’re showing their love and excitement for life with each other. It simply feels good! Think about flirting as the long game, and not just when you’re hoping to get a date or get to the “next stage” of your relationship. 6. Think like scientists Constantly think of new ways you can look at your relationship. People in healthy relationships often think of it as having two or three relationships with the same person. Play and experiment with everything from your date nights to how to feel more connected. And when something doesn’t seem to be working, put your scientist hat on and get curious about what you could do differently or try next. 7. Stay forever curious It’s easy to get lost in the day-to-day hustle and take our loved ones for granted. When we combine this with the understanding that we’ll all change and grow throughout our lives, and if we’re not pausing to tune in, we could end up growing in different directions. Constantly stay curious and get to know your partner. Ask questions about what’s making them tick, what’s driving them, and then really listen. Here are some ideas to prompt a deeper discussion: What can I do for you right now to help you feel more loved? Have I done anything recently that may have unknowingly hurt you? Is there any kind of emotional or physical intimacy you feel is missing? How do you feel about our sex life lately? Is there anything stressing you lately and can I help alleviate that stress for you? Asking these questions may feel scary at first. Listen and stay open. Then sincerely thank them for sharing their thoughts—sharing often isn’t easy either! While these are just some examples of the habits that the people in the healthiest relationships regularly take on, there are countless other ways that you and your partner(s) can love each other through the tricky situations and deepen your connection. The best way to find your groove is to keep talking. Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you enjoyed this article you might like these too: How to start a meaningful conversation about sex Others will treat you the way you let them —3 keys to boundary-setting Sex therapy virgin? What to expect Do you have any questions for us? Or do you need some help with creating healthy habits in your relationship? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
What Does it Mean to be Authentic? 22 October 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Individual Therapy, Inspiration, Relationships, Self Care, Therapy “Authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice – a conscious choice of how we want to live. Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” – Brené Brown Being authentic means feeling comfortable sharing your flaws and failures as much as your triumphs and successes, and that you don’t need to be liked by others to feel as though you matter. It is a true recognition that you matter regardless of what others think, and being able to embrace your weaknesses as much as your strengths. Being authentic means not striving to be what others expect us to be, or even what we think we are supposed to be, but rather loving the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. It means knowing that we can form opinions on our own, and to voice those opinions in a way that holds true to our values. Most importantly, being authentic means staying true to our core values, even when they are different from someone else’s. We have all had those moments where we faked being happy when what we really wanted to do was fall apart. Why do we do that? Because we have been programmed to believe that who we are isn’t enough, and that how we feel isn’t ok. We are taught very early in life that people will only truly like us if we present them with something that feels good to them. This fear often holds us back from being authentically ourselves. Imagine arriving to work, and when asked “how are you today?” you actually respond with how you are feeling; “I am feeling awful, my kids were having complete meltdowns” or maybe it sounds like, “my morning was horrible, my husband and I got into an argument”. Most of us would never say these things, even though they are exactly what we are experiencing and feeling. Of course there may be some people you aren’t willing to share that information with, and that’s okay too! Being authentic means doing and sharing what we feel when we want to, and with whom we want to share that with. Being authentic means not being scared to share those feelings in order to make others more comfortable, and sharing what we want to based on what we may need in that moment. Lastly, I want to emphasize that being authentic isn’t something that we have to search for, it is being exactly who we are. To each person this will look different, and that is what is so beautiful about authenticity! Written by Bliss therapist Tammy Benwell. Learn more about Tammy and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you liked this article you might enjoy these too: Others Will Treat You The Way You Let Them – 3 Keys to Boundary Setting Good News: There’s No Such Thing As Bad Feelings Why We Need to Stop “Agreeing to Disagree” Do you have any questions for us? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
Your Sex Life: What’s normal? 19 October 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays We’re inundated with rules every day, and in almost all areas of our lives. But when it comes to the rules of sex, there’s only one: There’s no such thing as “normal” sex. That’s right. It’s a complete myth. Perhaps you may be wondering: Is our sex life normal? These fantasies I keep thinking about—are they common? Is wanting sex this infrequently or frequently natural? Are all these ups and downs in my desire okay? Is it normal to have to schedule sex? The answers, in case you’re wondering, are—yes, normal, natural, and you’re perfect. If you have a health concern, of course, we recommend speaking with your primary care physician. With any medical concerns aside, there’s no normal when it comes to sex, and that’s wonderful news! That is, as long as all parties are able to consent and it doesn’t involve animals. Sex is a key part of our adult lives, and still, it can be a taboo topic in many social circles. As a result of putting sex-talk to the bottom of our lists, we don’t talk about it nearly enough. We need to be talking about sex more. Without conversations about sex, it can often lead to assumptions that leave us judging our sexual activity. It’s common to worry if you’re having enough sex, or too much, or if what you’re doing between the sheets is natural. These assumptions can also lead us into the comparison trap. We assume our friends are doing it more or less than you and your partner(s) are, and that can leave us feeling less than awesome and swirling in a pity party. Know this: whatever you’re doing in your intimate life, it’s healthy and natural. And millions of other people are doing the same. Getting intimate and having sex regularly is healthy, and a big sexual appetite is a sign of high energy, vitality, and sound hormone function. And, if you do discover that you’re having more or less sex than your neighbors, that’s perfectly okay. You get to decide what “normal” sex means to you and your partner(s). Whether you have sex 3 times a day or 3 times a year—it’s perfect if that’s what works for you. The most significant sex challenge we see in our practice within intimate relationships, is when one person wants sex more than the other(s). If there’s a desire discrepancy in your relationship, there are practical ways you can ask for the sex you want. This is also completely natural for our libidos to be more intense during certain phases of our lives, and it will ebb and flow throughout our relationships. Our advice to clients usually starts with clear and compassionate communication. The more you can open up and share your sensual wants and needs in your relationship, the deeper your connection and the stronger your bond will become. Keeping the conversation going about your sex life can help you create a deeper connection with your partner(s), and help you to feel confident in your sensual desires. Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you liked this article you might enjoy these too: 12 Reasons it Might be a Good Idea to See a Therapist Couples Therapy for Preventative Maintenance? Why it Works How to Ask for the Sex you Want in 8 Completely Practical Tips Do you have any questions for us? Or do you have questions about your sex life? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.