To my Quaran-tine: How can we navigate our relationship during a pandemic? 14 February 2021 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Book Recommendations, Communication, Self Care, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness Due to the restrictions on dating activities that would normally happen during Valentine’s Day, couples may feel like it’s going to be just another day. Which can be disappointing to those who enjoy taking a break from the repetitiveness of everyday life relationships. This is a universal conflict for all couples, new or old, healthy or strained. COVID-19 did not just impact how people meet, but also the exploration of romance and even how much time people spend together. For partners who are living together and are spending more time with each other at home throughout COVID-19, emotional connection has improved; physical connection on the other hand has not. The amount of time spent with partner(s) does not necessarily equate to “quality time”. For instance, more time together could mean more conversations about things each person isn’t happy with within their relationship or changes they might like to see. Some partners may realize they aren’t as compatible with each other and may be starting to realize that they want different things. Some relationships may be trying to work through betrayal, such as infidelity, and are finding it difficult to not be able to take space from their partner(s), as they try to figure out what they want. If we layer in those relationships who have children, it’s even more difficult to have privacy and to take time to grieve aspects of the relationship when the kids are around and people are isolated from their support systems, like family, friends, co-workers. For those who are dating, there is also a lot more communication and negotiations of boundaries during COVID-19. For instance, folks may be asking themselves: Is it safe to be discussing COVID-19 related precautions with this new person? How do we discuss and navigate consent? Should I be isolating after sharing a physical connection, and if so, for how long? Are relationships that came to fruition during the pandemic going to last past the pandemic? A list of common challenges people have felt in their relationship during COVID-19 includes: Experiencing Low sexual desire and desire discrepancy Sharing less physical intimacy or avoiding sex Overcoming infidelity Finding ways to effectively communicate feelings and listen to alternative perspectives Managing erectile dysfunction & rapid ejaculation Exploring sexuality Reconnecting sexually Wanting to open up the relationship Sometimes when there is a crisis, it can either connect and bring partners closer or it can have the opposite effect. It’s important to remember that relationship bumps are inevitable, pandemic or not, No matter the situation, great new things will come from this, even though it’s hard right now. At Bliss, we want to help our clients through these challenging times. Navigating relationships during COVID-19 can be hard, but not impossible. Here are some tips from our very own therapists who specialize in sexual health and wellbeing in relationships: Have separate time You’re not going to desire someone when you spend all of your time with them. Do what you can to separate yourself. That could mean, self-care, taking up jogging, biking, connecting with friends, and having outdoor hangouts in safe ways. Do not feel guilty for taking time for yourself. Increasing pleasure and fun Figure out target specific activities you can do at home, or outside, these can be brainstormed with your therapist. Some activities you can discuss with your partner(s), or date are: Exercising Board Games Movie Marathons Puzzles Planning Future Fun Events Cooking Together DIY Spa Dates Bubble Baths Colouring Dressing Up For A Date Night In Reading To Each Other Paint Night Online Classes Yoga Stargazing Create a Photobook Of Memories Long Drives Bake Off Share Your Favourite Stand-Up Specials Streamline a concert together Make (chocolate) fondue together Make breakfast in bed Recreate your first date, from home! Make your own valentine Ask conversation starters, or quiz yourselves on your love maps! Write each other a poem or haiku Write each other love or gratitude letters Cook a romantic dinner, with candle light and all (some of these ideas are great for an COVID friendly Valentine’s) Open Communication Anxiety about COVID-19 leads to stress and irritability in the relationship. Effective open/transparent communication around what you are going to do is key. Whether it is with your partner(s) or someone you’re dating. If you have the same perspective, it’s okay. If you have two different perspectives, or pre-existing anxiety and OCD, it will affect the relationship. So, discussing boundaries and negotiating “dating terms” should be at the forefront of conversation. Managing Stress If you find yourself being hypervigilant in managing emotions, minimizing conflict, protecting kids from the tension or outburst, you may be giving yourself additional unnecessary stress. In managing stress levels, remember that you cannot control anyone else’s emotions except your own. You must let your partner(s) regulate themselves. For those in couples or individual therapy, this is something you can talk to your therapist about. Finding ways to regulate your own emotions will help in figuring out how to move forward with your partner(s) with no resentment. It’s really important to normalize your experience and your partners’ relationship concerns. Our therapists here at Bliss validate client’s emotions and experiences while supporting them in reframing thoughts, changing habits, breaking patterns, and getting out of cycles they may be stuck in. Navigating relationships during a pandemic can be hard. Give yourself more credit, and Happy Valentines Day! Resources: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, for desire/arousal in women. Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Lori Brotto Not Always In The Mood by Sarah Hunter Murray, for low desire in men and myths around male sexuality Esther Perel – Infidelity Written By: Raman Dhillon Raman Dhillon is the office strategist & digital content manager and helps assist our clinic/operations manager Jess. Raman has a background in Psychology & Literature from the University of Waterloo, and more recently a Post Graduate Degree in Mental Health and Addictions from Humber College. Raman has experience with client-centered intervention as well as holistic assessment. She’s very interested and well versed in different therapeutic approaches such as mindfulness, naturopathy, and art therapy. Raman loves merging her two passions, mental health, and art to convey messages, psychoeducation, and awareness to the masses.
A New Theory of Addiction 20 August 2016 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Individual Therapy, Uncategorised For a long time, far too long, the dialogue surrounding addiction has been dangerously inaccurate. The belief that the central cause of addiction is the addictive substance itself has influenced the way we treat individuals struggling with addictions, the type of legislation we create to regulate drug use, and often the way we talk to children about drug and alcohol use. But recent research has opened the door to a new way of thinking about addictions. Studies of both rats and human beings show that what matters more isn’t access to addictive substances, but the amount of support and depth of connection felt by individual people. Human beings are social creatures, and when we are suffering we rely on connection with other creatures to help us through. We thrive on emotional and social support. However, when we are not receiving that support, when we are isolated or traumatized, we seek that connection wherever we can find it. Substance abuse is just one example of how we can build that connection with something other than a fellow human being. What we need to do, as individuals and as a society, is focus on building a strong support base for ourselves for those who are struggling. We know that groups such as AA can provide that support for those already struggling with addictions, as can families, friends, and therapists. But we must also begin to provide support and connection to people before they begin to look for those bonds elsewhere – the solution can also be the method of prevention. Watch the video linked below for more information: http://themindunleashed.org/2016/02/this-brilliant-animated-video-will-forever-change-your-views-on-addiction.html “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.” Tammy Benwell
Love Languages 8 July 2016 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Relationship Therapy, Relationships It’s not uncommon for couples who come into my office to express concern that they have lost connection with their partner. They no longer experience the same feelings of love that were present in the beginning of their relationship. Over time relationships change, but with conscious effort and awareness we can learn to change with them. A relationship doesn’t have to fizzle simply because it has moved on from the initial infatuation into a stable relationship. You and your partner are different, and each of you feels/experiences love and connection differently. Becoming aware of how you differ can allow you to hit the target rather than miss the mark. Gary Chapman has developed a simple strategy to tune into your partner and figure out how they prefer to experience love. He determined that people can feel love in 5 different ways: Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, and Acts of Service. While this may seem self-explanatory, it is often difficult to differentiate between what we most need and what our partner needs. Below are some examples of each: Touch – a quick touch on the arm when you walk by, putting your arm around your partner Quality Time – going for a walk together, discussing your day over a meal with no distractions Words of Affirmation – verbally acknowledging that your partner looks nice, thanking them for something they have done Gifts – picking up a book they have had their eye on, bringing home their favourite dessert Act of Service – cleaning something you know bothers them, raking the leaves outside Here is a link to the love languages test, which will help you narrow down your preferences: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ For more information, Gary Chapman’s ‘The 5 Love Languages’ is available anywhere books are sold. Enjoy! Heather Anderson