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To my Quaran-tine: How can we navigate our relationship during a pandemic?

Due to the restrictions on dating activities that would normally happen during Valentine’s Day, couples may feel like it’s going to be just another day. Which can be disappointing to those who enjoy taking a break from the repetitiveness of everyday life relationships. This is a universal conflict for all couples, new or old, healthy or strained. COVID-19 did not just impact how people meet, but also the exploration of romance and even how much time people spend together. For partners who are living together and are spending more time with each other at home throughout COVID-19, emotional connection has improved; physical connection on the other hand has not. 

The amount of time spent with partner(s) does not necessarily equate to “quality time”. For instance, more time together could mean more conversations about things each person isn’t happy with within their relationship or changes they might like to see. Some partners may realize they aren’t as compatible with each other and may be starting to realize that they want different things. 

Some relationships may be trying to work through betrayal, such as infidelity, and are finding it difficult to not be able to take space from their partner(s), as they try to figure out what they want. If we layer in those relationships who have children, it’s even more difficult to have privacy and to take time to grieve aspects of the relationship when the kids are around and people are isolated from their support systems, like family, friends, co-workers.

For those who are dating, there is also a lot more communication and negotiations of boundaries during COVID-19. For instance, folks may be asking themselves:

 

Is it safe to be discussing COVID-19 related precautions with this new person?

How do we discuss and navigate consent?

Should I be isolating after sharing a physical connection, and if so, for how long?

Are relationships that came to fruition during the pandemic going to last past the pandemic?

 

A list of common challenges people have felt in their relationship during COVID-19 includes:

  • Experiencing Low sexual desire and desire discrepancy
  • Sharing less physical intimacy or avoiding sex
  • Overcoming infidelity
  • Finding ways to effectively communicate feelings and listen to alternative perspectives
  • Managing erectile dysfunction & rapid ejaculation
  • Exploring sexuality
  • Reconnecting sexually
  • Wanting to open up the relationship

 

Sometimes when there is a crisis, it can either connect and bring partners closer or it can have the opposite effect. It’s important to remember that relationship bumps are inevitable, pandemic or not, No matter the situation, great new things will come from this, even though it’s hard right now.

At Bliss, we want to help our clients through these challenging times. Navigating relationships during COVID-19 can be hard, but not impossible. Here are some tips from our very own therapists who specialize in sexual health and wellbeing in relationships:

Have separate time

You’re not going to desire someone when you spend all of your time with them. Do what you can to separate yourself. That could mean, self-care, taking up jogging, biking, connecting with friends, and having outdoor hangouts in safe ways. Do not feel guilty for taking time for yourself. 

Increasing pleasure and fun

Figure out target specific activities you can do at home, or outside, these can be brainstormed with your therapist. Some activities you can discuss with your partner(s), or date are:

  • Exercising
  • Board Games
  • Movie Marathons
  • Puzzles
  • Planning Future Fun Events
  • Cooking Together
  • DIY Spa Dates
  • Bubble Baths
  • Colouring
  • Dressing Up For A Date Night In
  • Reading To Each Other
  • Paint Night
  • Online Classes
  • Yoga
  • Stargazing
  • Create a Photobook Of Memories
  • Long Drives
  • Bake Off
  • Share Your Favourite Stand-Up Specials
  • Streamline a concert together 
  • Make (chocolate) fondue together
  • Make breakfast in bed
  • Recreate your first date, from home!
  • Make your own valentine
  • Ask conversation starters, or quiz yourselves on your love maps!
  • Write each other a poem or haiku
  • Write each other love or gratitude letters
  • Cook a romantic dinner, with candle light and all

(some of these ideas are great for an COVID friendly Valentine’s)  

Open Communication

Anxiety about COVID-19 leads to stress and irritability in the relationship. Effective open/transparent communication around what you are going to do is key. Whether it is with your partner(s) or someone you’re dating. If you have the same perspective, it’s okay. If you have two different perspectives, or pre-existing anxiety and OCD, it will affect the relationship. So, discussing boundaries and negotiating “dating terms” should be at the forefront of conversation.

Managing Stress

If you find yourself being hypervigilant in managing emotions, minimizing conflict, protecting kids from the tension or outburst, you may be giving yourself additional unnecessary stress. In managing stress levels, remember that you cannot control anyone else’s emotions except your own. You must let your partner(s) regulate themselves. For those in couples or individual therapy, this is something you can talk to your therapist about. Finding ways to regulate your own emotions will help in figuring out how to move forward with your partner(s) with no resentment. 

 

It’s really important to normalize your experience and your partners’ relationship concerns. Our therapists here at Bliss validate client’s emotions and experiences while supporting them in reframing thoughts, changing habits, breaking patterns, and getting out of cycles they may be stuck in. Navigating relationships during a pandemic can be hard. Give yourself more credit, and Happy Valentines Day!

 

Resources: 

  • Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, for desire/arousal in women.
  • Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Lori Brotto
  • Not Always In The Mood by Sarah Hunter Murray, for low desire in men and myths around male sexuality 
  • Esther Perel – Infidelity

 


Written By: Raman Dhillon

Raman Dhillon is the office strategist & digital content manager and helps assist our clinic/operations manager Jess. Raman has a background in Psychology & Literature from the University of Waterloo, and more recently a Post Graduate Degree in Mental Health and Addictions from Humber College. Raman has experience with client-centered intervention as well as holistic assessment. She’s very interested and well versed in different therapeutic approaches such as mindfulness, naturopathy, and art therapy. Raman loves merging her two passions, mental health, and art to convey messages, psychoeducation, and awareness to the masses. 

Single this Valentine’s Day? We’ve got you Covered!

 

As Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, it’s hard not to notice stores filling up their shelves with chocolates, stuffies, cards and everything pink and red. For those that soak up all the fun, loving, mushy sentiments, Valentine’s Day can be great! But what about those of you who are riding solo this year? Here are 5 ways to help navigate this Hallmark holiday:

  1. Check in with yourself.What emotions is this day bringing up for you? Once you have identified if there are any lingering feelings that you haven’t dealt with, you can begin to make space to process them. Whether it’s sadness, loneliness, relief or happiness, what are you feeling? Are you holding on to a past relationship, lover, experience, etc.? What do you need to heal and move forward? Valentine’s Day can stir this pot, so make sure you are being honest with where you are at, and what you need.

 

  1. Check in with your friends.Who else is in the same boat as you? Sometimes it can be helpful to know that there are others feeling the same way. Do you have other single friends that you could connect with? Or maybe even friends that are in relationships that don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day? Think about getting together and going out for a movie, dinner, paint night, dancing, a spa day, a yoga session or a killer spin class. If going out isn’t your thing, maybe you could have a low key night at home, or invite friends over for dinner or to hang out on the couch catching up.

 

  1. All my friends are coupled up, so now what do I do? Do something for yourself!Buy yourself those special chocolates you were eyeing earlier at the grocery store, take yourself out for dinner or order in your favourite dish. Do something that will make you feel good and empowered. We are our own worst enemies, and we can get wrapped up or lost in our own thoughts and self-judgments. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. Remember that you are worthy of love and healthy relationships, but being single can be celebrated just as much as being coupled up; and Valentine’s Day gives you the opportunity for self-reflection and well-deserved me time!

 

  1. Check in with your family.Maybe you could use this day to have dinner with your parents, or to spend time with a grandparent. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Maybe you could babysit them while their parents go out. It could be fun to do cheesy crafts again, or decorate some heart shaped goodies!

 

  1. Limit social media.We all have those friends on our Facebook or Instagram feeds who create over the top posts on how great their partner is, and how loved they are. While that may be something they feel is important for them to share on their platform, it can feed challenging or unhelpful thoughts that you may be experiencing. Social media has the tendency to contribute to our need to compare where our friends are at in their lives and relationships with where we are. So, if you think you may feel triggered by seeing what your friends are sharing on Valentines Day, don’t spend as much time scrolling!

 

There isn’t a clear path to avoiding Valentine’s Day altogether, but there are definitely ways to help you navigate the day and get out on the other side. If you really do find yourself struggling with where you’re at right now and need someone to talk to, you can always connect with one of us here at Bliss Counselling.

 

Do you need some ideas of solo activities, or things to do with friends this Valentine’s Day? Check out these websites for things to do around KW!

  1. https://www.ammayoga.ca (Restorative yoga? Yes please!)
  2. https://www.hustlandflow.com/home (Kick boxing, spin classes, yoga and juice bar)
  3. https://www.socialart.ca (Get your paint on)
  4. https://www.dejavusalonandspa.ca (Pamper yourself)
  5. https://www.thewatersspa.com (Making me time)
  6. https://www.ginaspa.com (Focusing on yourself)
  7. http://adventurerooms.ca(Grab a team and try to escape these rooms)
  8. https://batlgrounds.com/axe-throwing-kitchener/ (Let it go!)
  9. https://www.ctrlv.ca/ctrl-v-waterloo-flagship/ (Whoa!)
  10. https://www.cineplex.com/Theatre/cineplex-cinemas-kitchener-and-vip?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=local&utm_content=CPXKitchenerVIP (Drinks, food, movies, sounds like a plan)
  11. https://apollocinema.ca (A gem kind of spot)
  12. http://www.princesscinemas.com (And they have a café too!)
  13. https://www.facebook.com/PatentSocial/ (Super Mario!)
  14. https://www.acepingponglounge.com (Ping Pong)
  15. http://www.crossroadscafe.ca (Board games)
  16. http://www.gamesontap.ca (More board games)

 

Written by Bliss sexologist Lindsay Kenna. Learn more about Lindsay and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here.

7 Relationship Challenges Therapists See All the Time

 

In a new relationship, everything feels fresh and fun. You anticipate dates for days in advance with butterflies in your heart and are uncovering all these goodies about each other every day. It’s like unwrapping your birthday gifts all year long.

Over time, as you grow closer and more familiar with one another you’re likely to run into some bumps in the road. In couples therapy, we work with clients on these kinds of issues—big, small, and everything in between, every day. So first, know that you’re not the only ones running up against these challenges.

Next, based on our work with couples who have navigated or are still finding their way around these tricky spots, here are the top challenges that pop up most often between couples, and how to approach them:

1. Your partner has some bad habits (and it’s grating on your nerves)

Perhaps your partner has a habit of leaving dishes on the counter or leaving empty rolls of toilet paper for you to change. At first, these little quirks didn’t bother you much. Maybe you noticed but didn’t pay it much attention. Perhaps you’ve even mentioned it a few times thinking they’d change their ways. Well, here you are months or years later and nothing has really changed. Loving your partner(s) means learning to fully accept less than desirable habits.

You could keep falling down the irritation trap and mention the toilet paper or the dishes thing every time it happens. Or, after not noticing changes, you could learn to let insignificant things go. If your partner is engaging in any kind of behaviour that’s truly hurtful, harmful, or crosses any of your boundaries, then your communication will need to be more direct. This also may be a good time to bring in a couples therapist.

2. You may argue about your families

Your partner chose you but they can’t choose their family. Though at times, maybe you wish you could send some family members back, but that’s not helping to strengthen your communication with your partner. Family is often a sensitive topic between couples, and there’s a lot that comes into play here, from upbringing, culture, and what one partner deems as “normal” family stuff. Boundaries are helpful in all relationships, and especially ones where family members may be causing a problem.

3. Your partner can’t fill all the shoes

We might have a long list of demands of our partners. We require them to be the love of our lives, be romantic, be our sexual partners, parenting partners, best friends, and even financial advisors. It’s not possible or necessarily even healthy for one person to tick all the boxes on another’s list of demands. We all have many needs, and need a variety of people in our lives to fill these different roles.

4. Your desire will fluctuate

If your sensual encounters were toe-curling in the early months of your relationship, and then one of you suddenly lost interest a few months down the road, this is totally normal. Our lives are in a perpetual state of change, including our sexual desires. There are many things that can affect our fluctuating desire levels, from family, stress, work, and a jam-packed schedule. A mismatch in desire creeps into the healthiest of intimate relationships and that’s perfectly natural. Sometimes couples need to let go of the idea that sex is the end goal, and learn to find more pleasure in all the other ways they can be intimate together. In our practice, we work with couples to help them communicate what’s going on behind a desire discrepancy, and work with them to find a new groove that works for them.

5. Money may be a source of conflict

Once financials co-mingle, this can be an added stressor for many couples. When people come together in a relationship, they each bring their own ideals, values, and perceptions of money and how it should be spent, saved, and handled. We often recommend alleviating financial tension by having clients act like more of a team to handle any money issues and decisions as they come up.

6. Work might get in the way

When you first started dating, perhaps you or your partner would drop everything for a chance to go out to dinner. As you got more comfortable in your relationship, other competing priorities likely crept in. Perhaps even a promotion or new job calls for more attention than in the past. Regardless of the reason for the change, work might come up as a point of contention at one point in your relationship.

7. Staying faithful is hard work

You or your partner may inevitably become attracted to others, and you may even find yourself wondering if you made the right partner choice. The essential point to keep in mind is that while staying monogamous can feel hard at times, it’s worth the effort if it’s something both of you value. Alternatively, a sex-positive relationship therapist can support you in exploring consensual non-monogamy.

 

As you spend more time in an intimate relationship, know that every bump you encounter has the power to help you deepen and strengthen your connection. Staying mindful of everyone’s feelings, keeping communication kind and honest, and putting a deliberate effort into your relationship can help you come out the other side of any troubles even closer than you were before.

 

Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch”here.

 

If you enjoyed this article you might like these too:

 

Do you have any questions for us? Or do you need some help with creating healthy habits in your relationship? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here.

If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.

Your Sex Life: What’s normal?

We’re inundated with rules every day, and in almost all areas of our lives. But when it comes to the rules of sex, there’s only one:

There’s no such thing as “normal” sex.

That’s right. It’s a complete myth.

Perhaps you may be wondering:

  • Is our sex life normal?
  • These fantasies I keep thinking about—are they common?
  • Is wanting sex this infrequently or frequently natural?
  • Are all these ups and downs in my desire okay?
  • Is it normal to have to schedule sex?

 

The answers, in case you’re wondering, are—yes, normal, natural, and you’re perfect.

If you have a health concern, of course, we recommend speaking with your primary care physician. With any medical concerns aside, there’s no normal when it comes to sex, and that’s wonderful news! That is, as long as all parties are able to consent and it doesn’t involve animals.

Sex is a key part of our adult lives, and still, it can be a taboo topic in many social circles. As a result of putting sex-talk to the bottom of our lists, we don’t talk about it nearly enough.

 

We need to be talking about sex more.

Without conversations about sex, it can often lead to assumptions that leave us judging our sexual activity. It’s common to worry if you’re having enough sex, or too much, or if what you’re doing between the sheets is natural.

These assumptions can also lead us into the comparison trap. We assume our friends are doing it more or less than you and your partner(s) are, and that can leave us feeling less than awesome and swirling in a pity party.

 

Know this: whatever you’re doing in your intimate life, it’s healthy and natural.

And millions of other people are doing the same.

Getting intimate and having sex regularly is healthy, and a big sexual appetite is a sign of high energy, vitality, and sound hormone function. And, if you do discover that you’re having more or less sex than your neighbors, that’s perfectly okay. You get to decide what “normal” sex means to you and your partner(s). Whether you have sex 3 times a day or 3 times a year—it’s perfect if that’s what works for you.

The most significant sex challenge we see in our practice within intimate relationships, is when one person wants sex more than the other(s). If there’s a desire discrepancy in your relationship, there are practical ways you can ask for the sex you want.

This is also completely natural for our libidos to be more intense during certain phases of our lives, and it will ebb and flow throughout our relationships.

Our advice to clients usually starts with clear and compassionate communication. The more you can open up and share your sensual wants and needs in your relationship, the deeper your connection and the stronger your bond will become.

Keeping the conversation going about your sex life can help you create a deeper connection with your partner(s), and help you to feel confident in your sensual desires.

 

Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here.

If you liked this article you might enjoy these too:

 

Do you have any questions for us? Or do you have questions about your sex life? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here.
If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.

 

 

How to Handle Financial Stress in your Relationship

It’s no secret that money problems can be a huge source of relationship strife — in fact, most surveys report money as the main source of stress in a relationship, and it’s easy to see why. If the money isn’t there, it can seep into every part of your life and affect every part of your day. From grocery shopping, to a friend’s birthday, to what you think about before you go to sleep, money is always there. It’s an incredibly difficult scenario to be in — but new research shows that it affects some of us more than others.

Recent research from The Harris Poll and Ally Bank surveyed more than 1,400 American adults about where their relationship stress was coming from. Unsurprisingly, money came out on top. But in an interesting twist, the research found that young Americans were twice as likely as older Americans to say that money was the biggest cause of stress. While 44 percent of the younger adult group pointed to money, only 23 percent of the older adults said the same. With housing prices skyrocketing in recent decades and a pool of student loan debt you could drown in, Millennials are feeling the financial strain far more than Baby Boomers.

The most difficult part? Well, as we know, money doesn’t grow on trees. If you’re already stretched to your limit and an unexpected bill lands on your door, there’s no magic fix. But there are things you can do to help keep money stress from wrecking your relationship. Here’s what you need to know:

 

Educate Yourself

Many of us are not financially savvy — because we simply didn’t receive the education. For some reason, we spent way more time on the Pythagorean theorem than learning about how to save money or file our taxes (and it’s pretty obvious which one we actually need as adults). If you haven’t already learned how to do these things, then you need to educate yourself. And, if your partner’s spending is stressing you out, remember that they probably need some help, too. “Most of the time, bad money habits come from either a lack of education because this stuff isn’t taught in school — which isn’t your fault of your partner’s,” Priya Malani, co-founder of Stash Wealth, a wealth management company, told Brides. “Seek out education and advice so you can see the financial impact of current behavior on your future self.” This might mean seeing a financial advisor, if you’re in a position to do so. If money’s too tight for that, start by checking out some money-saving websites and basic financial advice. There’s so much available online, so use it!

 

Talk About Money — Think “Little And Often”

Talking about money can take on a larger-than-life quality in some relationships. Maybe you never talk about it and you don’t know where to start — or maybe money is so stressful that every time it comes up it sends you both towards a meltdown. Either way, it’s time to normalize talking money. Start discussing it as early as you can in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to be in these huge, awkward conversations. “Little and often” is how you should talk about money, with small comments that bring it up on a regular basis. Whether it’s, “I’m really tight this month, do you mind if we don’t go out for dinner?” to “I really want to sort out my 401k and I don’t know where to start” or even, “I don’t think we can afford as big of a trip this year, should we sit down and crunch the numbers?” These little moments will normalize how you talk about money, so you’ll be in a better position for the big conversations.

 

Look At Your Shared Expenses 

If you and your partner are serious, it may be time to have a look at your shared expenses. Maybe you each pay for a couple of the bills, maybe you transfer money into a joint account every month. Either way, going through the numbers together and looking for ways to save money — like changing to a new gas or electric company or cancelling that cable subscription you don’t use — can be a good way to open up the conversation about money and make sure you’re on the same page.

 

Start Saving

The best thing you can do to relieve your money stress it to start saving — yes, right now. It may not be a lot, it may seem totally insignificant, but it can be something. Even just twenty dollars a month adds up to $240 over the course of the year — which is a nice little cushion to have. If you have the means, putting a little away for retirement and a little away for money for something fun — a trip, a new purchase, or a house deposit — will help incentivize you to save.

 

Focus On An Emergency Fund First

Although day-to-day money stress can be excruciating, a lot of the panic and frustration comes in when you get an unexpected expense. The car breaks down, your child needs a filling, or you need a plumber to come and fix that hole that’s gotten way too big — whatever it is, it can be incredibly stressful and throw your entire equilibrium out of whack. If you can get together an emergency fund of even a few hundred dollars (more if you can afford it), you’ll be covered when an unexpected bill hits. Just make sure you replenish your emergency fund as quickly as you can.

If money is tight for you and your partner, it’s totally normal for that to be a source of stress — but it doesn’t have to ruin your relationship. Educate yourself about managing your finances and get comfortable talking about money — because that’s half the battle.

 

 

Written by Bliss therapist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold.

We know that talking to your partner about money can be uncomfortable, and having a third party to help navigate these difficult conversations can be extremely helpful! Our Bliss therapists are happy to help! Book an appointment here.

Bliss Specialists Answer Questions About the Intensive Sex Therapy Training Program

Recently, Bliss specialists Farrah Kherani and Stacey Harris participated in the Intensive Sex Therapy Training Program at the University of Guelph. Although they were dearly missed around the office, they returned to Bliss with valuable knowledge to further support their clients!

Below, Stacey and Farrah answer some of the burning questions that we had about their experience with the Intensive Sex Therapy Training Program.

What sparked your interest in the intensive sex therapy course?

Stacey: The course was highly recommended by Sex Therapists, Kelly and Lindsay. I have been working with individuals and couples that have struggled with their sexuality, and I wanted to be able to offer more resources and information. People have shared struggling with intimacy due to pervious trauma, having low desire, pain, infidelity and other struggles. I want to offer a space for individuals and couples to feel comfortable exploring their sexuality to discuss their desires, hopes and fears.

Memories, emotions, thoughts and expectations have an enormous influence on pain. I offer hypnotherapy for pain management and I wanted to learn more skills related to sex therapy to incorporate into practice.

Farrah: My colleagues at Bliss had been raving about this course, and I wanted to learn more about what Sex Therapy entails.  I also wanted to learn about a different type of therapy that I could implement into my practice with individuals. Interestingly enough, many of the clients that I see come in for various reasons, and some of these reasons impact their sexuality and intimacy in their relationships with others.  This course helped me expand my knowledge and skill set in order to help clients discover themselves as sexual beings, and work through any sexual struggles they may be facing.

What did you enjoy most about the course?

Stacey: I enjoyed meeting people from all over the world and hearing their stories. I’m grateful that I got to participate in a diverse group that sparked many light bulbs in my mind. It was an embodied experience that left me feeling more energized and motivated to help others. I enjoyed learning more about sensate focus and plan on incorporating hypnotherapy sensate focus to help individuals calm the nervous system, increase intimacy and build self-esteem.

I plan on asking people what gives them pleasure more often. It may be sex or it may not, and that’s okay. Something that gives me pleasure every day is playing with my dog.

Farrah: Such an exceptional course!  I met so many professionals from various backgrounds and from as far away as Australia and Sweden.  The content provided in this course was beyond what I had expected and I learned so much. It left me wanting to keep learning more. We were taught by well-informed professionals, which included; Sex Therapists and Researchers, a Pelvic Floor Therapist, an OBGYN/ Sexual Medicine Doctor, a Pharmacist, and an expert in Sexual Pleasure and Sexual Play.  Each presenter brought a wealth of knowledge to this course and to my learning. We had some intense dialogues as well as lots of fun and laughter.

What portion of the course did you find most informative to your practice (group discussions, practice therapy sessions, lectures or videos)?

Stacey: I highly enjoyed the presenters that offered various perspectives. There was an OBGYN, Pharmacist, Consensual Non-Monogamy Researcher, Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist, Sexuality Coach and different therapists. I learned different skills from each person that I plan on incorporating into my practice. A quote that stands out to me by Albert Einstein, “Education is not the learning of facts. But training the mind to think.” The course was holistic and certainly opened my mind to various ideas, theories, medical information and strategies. I plan on offering clients a safe space to share about sexuality, and train the mind to think in different ways.

Farrah: I would have to say that all of the presenters were informative to my practice.  No questions were off limits, and I enjoyed and learned from the open dialogue among the group and the presenters.  Group discussions offered a variety of perspectives. We were given the opportunity to witness an actual sex therapy session, which provided an in depth view of what types of concerns and trauma clients may have experienced, and how this impacts them as sexual beings. I also learned more about how the dynamics of the act of sex changes in relationships over time and while individuals age. One particular video that stands out which really informed my practice was “Naked on the Inside”. I would highly recommend watching this.

Could you share a resource that you used during the course that you found especially interesting/helpful to your learning?

Stacey: Naked On The Inside Documentary- Six individuals share their stories about body image issues and dig deep into their vulnerabilities to create inner healing.

Farrah: “Want”- Lori Erikson. This video describes the realities of homosexuality and aging.  Documentaries such as this inform us on how homosexuality can affect our ability to get appropriate personal care, and how individuals feel they have to go back ‘into the closet’ in order to get into a proper care facility.

 

Written by Bliss therapists, Stacey Harris and Farrah Kherani. 

Are you interested in booking an appointment with Bliss? Find more information about doing so HERE!

 

Sexy Friday: Kink, BDSM and Polyamory

Thanks for joining us for another Sexy Friday at Bliss! This week, check out another link to Rogers TV for a Sex Talk with Kelly episode that is sure to WOW you!

Kelly invites Headmistress Shahrazad, professional dominatrix and owner of the Ritual Chamber Dungeon in Toronto, Ontario to join her this week. Kelly asks Headmistress Shahrazad to share some advice for individuals who are curious about the realm of BDSM and kink, and also asks her to provide some information about the workshops, events and training schedules at the Ritual Chamber. Headmistress Shahrazad shares that there are a variety of people who are interested in BDSM and kink. Some individuals simply enjoy being tied up in the bedroom occasionally, for others, it is a lifestyle. She explains that all are present and welcome at the Ritual Chamber Dungeon!

Later, Kelly speaks with Karen Grierson about polyamory, and later invites Joanne Flannery to talk about how to start a conversation with your partner about opening up your relationship. Karen asserts that although some polyamorous folk do engage in the kink and BDSM community, not all polyamorous individuals are interested in BDSM and kink, just like not all monogamous individuals are interested in it!

To learn more, watch the full video linked HERE!!

 

 

Guest Information:

Headmistress Shahrazad

Twitter: @ShahrazadTRC and @RitualChamberTO

Instagram: @thealchemicalseductress

Jo Flannery

Twitter: @SEXOLOGYMag

Instagram: @sexologyin

Last but certainly not least, Bliss Counselling’s very own Karen Grierson!

 

 

Consent in Relationships: The Unacknowledged Country

 

One good thing about being a therapist with one foot in traditional monogamous culture, and one in the poly community (and one in the BDSM community+) is that I have an opportunity to bring some interesting perspectives from one culture to another. Often these are concepts that we’d think *SHOULD* be obvious across the entire relationship spectrum, but you’d be amazed at how often this isn’t the case at all. One of the biggest places where I am persistently surprised by the lack of awareness is understanding the importance of consent within relationships. We are increasing societal awareness around consent and sex as we battle back against rape culture and certain types of gendered entitlement or toxic behaviours, and the poly and BDSM communities claim themselves to be positively steeped in consent awareness. I often discover that even within seemingly healthy relationships, however, the idea of “consent” — what it means, what it looks like, how it functions in monogamous relationships — is something that has eluded a lot of conscious consideration until someone directly brings it into focus (like, say, a therapist).

For example, some couples come into counselling with issues around dealing with a partner’s “negativity”, citing how one partner comes home from work every day and just immediately begins to unload a laundry list of all the unpleasantness of the day on the other partner, who may or may not be in a place themselves to receive that unloaded crap, and who may or may not know how to block or deflect it. My first question to couples outlining that kind of behavioural pattern is almost invariably to the unloading partner: “Do you have your partner’s consent to unload on them like that?”

Almost as invariably, what I get in response is a blank look, and the tentative question, “What do you mean, do I have their *consent*?”

“I mean, do you have their permission to dump all of your bad day on them? Have they consented to receive that load of toxic goo on their heads? Have you checked in to see if they’re ready and willing to receive? Or are you just making an assumption, or worse, just dumping without even considering whether or not they’re ready and willing to receive?”

Unwanted interactions are unwanted interactions, whether we’re talking about sharing negativity or emotional overwhelm, or sexual pressure, or even just assumptions. While some degree of these will always be unavoidable in relationship, there is a point at which we need to step back and check in with our partners about our interactions. Often we build up a tolerance to irritations over time, but sometimes relationships end abruptly (and often as a surprise to at least one partner) because we lose tolerance for the slow “death by a thousand cuts” of our unaddressed frustrations and distresses. A lot of these strains are the result of behaviours that push past our boundaries, behaviours we have not consented to receive, but we don’t know how to stop.

Maybe we don’t know how to stop them because we just don’t know how to say no to intimate partners. Maybe we don’t know how simply because we’ve never had someone model healthy boundary defense to us. Or maybe we just assume that putting up with the annoying shit our partners do (and yes, this really does often go both ways) is simply an implicit expectation of being in relationship; we feel that it’s our job as an intimate partner to tolerate or allow unwelcome behaviours to persist. This is implicit consent, when we don’t explicitly say, “Yes, this I expressly permit”, but rather we simply say nothing against unwanted actions. This is the root of the cliche, “Silence equals consent” – implicit consent and assumptions that silence implies consent are a surprising part of apparently-healthy, “normal” monogamous relationship dynamics. It’s also, perhaps unsurprisingly, still a heavily gender-biased dynamic in which women yield against presumptive behaviour more commonly than men, as least in terms of the perspective gained from couples coming into counselling. Out in the real world, I wouldn’t be surprised to find it’s maybe more balanced than that. But in therapy, we’re still fighting the feminist battle of teaching women how to say “no”, how to stand up for their own limits, and how to feel safe in enacting or withdrawing consent in their relationships as an active process. Boundary violations, and implicit consent violations in specific, are some of the major contributors to sick systems in relationships.

I do believe consent works best as an active process, rather than a one-and-done, binary state where the assumption is either “all consent for everything is granted” or “no consent for anything is granted” (I may have written about trust in that sense; if not, I’ll add it to the floating list of “future blog topics”). But we don’t tend to think consciously of consent at all in the grander workings of a relationship, let’s break down some of the simple places where consent becomes a key factor in our interactions:

Do I have my partner’s consent to engage in affectionate physical contact or sexual interaction whenever *I* want? How do I know that belief/assumption to be true? Have I checked in with that belief/assumption lately?
Do I assume that belief/assumption to be constantly applicable? How will I determine if there are times when perhaps consent has been withdrawn?

Do I have my partner’s consent to engage in verbal offloads about topics that are of intense interest to me but perhaps not to them? How do I know that belief/assumption to be true? Have I checked in with that belief/assumption lately?
Do I assume that belief/assumption to be constantly applicable? How will I determine if there are times when perhaps consent has been withdrawn?

Do I have my partner’s consent to assume a particular distribution of emotional labour (or any kind of labour, really)? How do I know that belief/assumption to be true? Have I checked in with that belief/assumption lately?
Do I assume that belief/assumption to be constantly applicable? How will I determine if there are times when perhaps consent has been withdrawn?

These are just three common areas where consent and assumptions about permission tend to get couples into trouble. We often come into relationship with assumptions about how relationships will work, and when we’re lucky, we find partners who assumptions more or less jive with our own. We don’t always think to check in explicitly bout what’s allowed and under what circumstance, and what is not; or if we do, we might do it conscientiously at the outset of new relationships, when NRE opens all horizons to exploration, but once we settle into relational routine, we frequently forget to go back and actively monitor those initial agreements and the assumptions we build atop them. (Confession time: I’m as guilty of that as the next person; it’s one reason why I keep my own therapist on retainer… and speed dial.)

So when couples come into the office looking at improving their communications, some of the primary foundational pieces we have to look at are the implicit assumptions about consent, and how those boundaries are expressed initially and defended thereafter. Are they even articulated at all? As consent boundaries, are they deliberately presented as permeable or impermeable? Perhaps more importantly, in practice are the consent boundaries viewed and respected by both partners as permeable or impermeable? Trust me when I say, it’s a terribly common issue for one partner to say, “This is a hard limit, NONE SHALL PASS!”, but in practice, under pressure (implicit or explicit) from the other partner allows that boundary to erode, shift, and become permeable to the point of relative non-existence. A lot of resentment that builds between over time partners can often be traced to places where these kinds of consent boundaries have been compromised somehow.

So, how do we learn to recognize consent boundaries in monogamous relationships, and how do we learn to defend them once we recognize they’re even a thing? That’s where a relationship therapist can come in handy, especially one who will blog about these aspects in coming weeks 🙂 Stay tuned!


 

+ — I know, that makes it sound like I’m a three-legged therapist, which I am most decidedly not; I just dance like one.

DSC_5962 Colour Web-3

Karen Grierson, MTS, RP

Originally posted on Karen’s blog

Photo: Couple by Sole Treadmill

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