To my Quaran-tine: How can we navigate our relationship during a pandemic? 14 February 2021 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Book Recommendations, Communication, Self Care, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness Due to the restrictions on dating activities that would normally happen during Valentine’s Day, couples may feel like it’s going to be just another day. Which can be disappointing to those who enjoy taking a break from the repetitiveness of everyday life relationships. This is a universal conflict for all couples, new or old, healthy or strained. COVID-19 did not just impact how people meet, but also the exploration of romance and even how much time people spend together. For partners who are living together and are spending more time with each other at home throughout COVID-19, emotional connection has improved; physical connection on the other hand has not. The amount of time spent with partner(s) does not necessarily equate to “quality time”. For instance, more time together could mean more conversations about things each person isn’t happy with within their relationship or changes they might like to see. Some partners may realize they aren’t as compatible with each other and may be starting to realize that they want different things. Some relationships may be trying to work through betrayal, such as infidelity, and are finding it difficult to not be able to take space from their partner(s), as they try to figure out what they want. If we layer in those relationships who have children, it’s even more difficult to have privacy and to take time to grieve aspects of the relationship when the kids are around and people are isolated from their support systems, like family, friends, co-workers. For those who are dating, there is also a lot more communication and negotiations of boundaries during COVID-19. For instance, folks may be asking themselves: Is it safe to be discussing COVID-19 related precautions with this new person? How do we discuss and navigate consent? Should I be isolating after sharing a physical connection, and if so, for how long? Are relationships that came to fruition during the pandemic going to last past the pandemic? A list of common challenges people have felt in their relationship during COVID-19 includes: Experiencing Low sexual desire and desire discrepancy Sharing less physical intimacy or avoiding sex Overcoming infidelity Finding ways to effectively communicate feelings and listen to alternative perspectives Managing erectile dysfunction & rapid ejaculation Exploring sexuality Reconnecting sexually Wanting to open up the relationship Sometimes when there is a crisis, it can either connect and bring partners closer or it can have the opposite effect. It’s important to remember that relationship bumps are inevitable, pandemic or not, No matter the situation, great new things will come from this, even though it’s hard right now. At Bliss, we want to help our clients through these challenging times. Navigating relationships during COVID-19 can be hard, but not impossible. Here are some tips from our very own therapists who specialize in sexual health and wellbeing in relationships: Have separate time You’re not going to desire someone when you spend all of your time with them. Do what you can to separate yourself. That could mean, self-care, taking up jogging, biking, connecting with friends, and having outdoor hangouts in safe ways. Do not feel guilty for taking time for yourself. Increasing pleasure and fun Figure out target specific activities you can do at home, or outside, these can be brainstormed with your therapist. Some activities you can discuss with your partner(s), or date are: Exercising Board Games Movie Marathons Puzzles Planning Future Fun Events Cooking Together DIY Spa Dates Bubble Baths Colouring Dressing Up For A Date Night In Reading To Each Other Paint Night Online Classes Yoga Stargazing Create a Photobook Of Memories Long Drives Bake Off Share Your Favourite Stand-Up Specials Streamline a concert together Make (chocolate) fondue together Make breakfast in bed Recreate your first date, from home! Make your own valentine Ask conversation starters, or quiz yourselves on your love maps! Write each other a poem or haiku Write each other love or gratitude letters Cook a romantic dinner, with candle light and all (some of these ideas are great for an COVID friendly Valentine’s) Open Communication Anxiety about COVID-19 leads to stress and irritability in the relationship. Effective open/transparent communication around what you are going to do is key. Whether it is with your partner(s) or someone you’re dating. If you have the same perspective, it’s okay. If you have two different perspectives, or pre-existing anxiety and OCD, it will affect the relationship. So, discussing boundaries and negotiating “dating terms” should be at the forefront of conversation. Managing Stress If you find yourself being hypervigilant in managing emotions, minimizing conflict, protecting kids from the tension or outburst, you may be giving yourself additional unnecessary stress. In managing stress levels, remember that you cannot control anyone else’s emotions except your own. You must let your partner(s) regulate themselves. For those in couples or individual therapy, this is something you can talk to your therapist about. Finding ways to regulate your own emotions will help in figuring out how to move forward with your partner(s) with no resentment. It’s really important to normalize your experience and your partners’ relationship concerns. Our therapists here at Bliss validate client’s emotions and experiences while supporting them in reframing thoughts, changing habits, breaking patterns, and getting out of cycles they may be stuck in. Navigating relationships during a pandemic can be hard. Give yourself more credit, and Happy Valentines Day! Resources: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, for desire/arousal in women. Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Lori Brotto Not Always In The Mood by Sarah Hunter Murray, for low desire in men and myths around male sexuality Esther Perel – Infidelity Written By: Raman Dhillon Raman Dhillon is the office strategist & digital content manager and helps assist our clinic/operations manager Jess. Raman has a background in Psychology & Literature from the University of Waterloo, and more recently a Post Graduate Degree in Mental Health and Addictions from Humber College. Raman has experience with client-centered intervention as well as holistic assessment. She’s very interested and well versed in different therapeutic approaches such as mindfulness, naturopathy, and art therapy. Raman loves merging her two passions, mental health, and art to convey messages, psychoeducation, and awareness to the masses.
The Not So Secret Ingredient Every Relationship Needs to Thrive 3 April 2019 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships There are many components that most healthy relationships need to thrive including communication, intimacy and honesty. The one element that remains at the top of relationship experts’ lists is trust. Trust is incredibly important to the success and fulfillment of all relationships, especially intimate or romantic ones. Whether you believe that trust is something to be earned or something that’s given freely until proven otherwise, it is true that we all carry around pieces of our past in some way or another. Perhaps we’re unconsciously referring back to lessons we learned as kids from the adult role models or parents in our lives. Maybe we’re having trouble learning to trust a new partner, rebuild trust in a partner, or even prove that we are trustworthy. Trust is necessary for healthy relationships to grow. Trusting your partner means you can count on them. It’s knowing for sure that they’ll do their best to get your takeout order right at the Thai restaurant on Friday night. It’s also about having faith that they’d pick you up if you were stranded on the side of the road and that they’ll handle any vulnerable information you share with care. Mutual trust means that they can count on you for all of the same reasons. Trust and communication go like peanut butter and jelly—you need both. And for an intimate relationship to grow deeper, you can’t have one without the other. Wherever you and your partner(s) are on the spectrum of trust—it’s often something that can be further enriched over time. So how do you do that? Here are some top tips we share with clients in relationship coaching. Showing your trust Even though the early stages of a fresh new relationship are filled with fun, they can also be filled with worry. Perhaps you’ve hesitantly sent a text and then didn’t hear back and the thoughts running through your head run from, “They don’t really like me,” to “They’re seeing someone else,” only to hear back, “Sorry! I was just driving!” The good news is that you’re not alone. Everyone has experienced something similar at one point or another in a past or current relationship. The early stage of a new relationship is the most essential time to focus on building trust between one another. Starting your relationship with honesty and transparency in all of your communication can go a long way. Do what you say you’re going to do One of the simplest ways to build trust is to follow through and merely do what you said you were going to do. When your partner(s) can rely on you to show up, be consistent, dependable, and honest, these easy actions will serve you for your entire relationship together. And if you happen to make a mistake (don’t worry, we all do), make it right as quickly as possible, apologize, and then avoid repeating that same blunder. Repair trust in a relationship Once broken, trust can be repaired—though not always easy, or quick. Regardless of the reason for needing to rebuild trust, you can make efforts to repair what’s been broken (in some cases). You can’t, however, control how the person you hurt or offended by breaking the trust will react, or even be sure that they want to correct what has happened. Regardless of the receptiveness of your partner(s), the most important move is to take responsibility right away—and doing it without acting in defense. It helps to show the other person that you value the relationship and want to make an effort to move forward while respecting the others’ needs. How to handle it if your partner doesn’t trust you If your partner doesn’t trust you, try to keep in mind that it’s about them—not you. Even if you trust your partner, you may have a trust discrepancy in your relationship. And it can be frustrating when nothing you seem to do can help reassure your partner that you’re trustworthy. Avoid taking it personally if you can, and know that it’s not a reflection on your behaviour (assuming you’ve been trustworthy). Then, all you can do is continue to show just how reliable you are. This can feel tiring if your partner is doubting you, but worth the effort if you value the relationship. Lastly, if your partner betrayed your trust and you’re feeling like it’s irreparable—it very well might be. Every situation and every relationship is unique. We’re here for you if you need to talk this through. Written by Bliss Sex & Relationship Therapist, Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you liked this article on trust you might enjoy these too: What Does it Mean to be Authentic? Others Will Treat You the Way You Let Them —3 Keys to Boundary-Setting How to Ask for the Sex you Want in 8 Completely Practical Tips Do you have any questions about trust in your relationship? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
Single this Valentine’s Day? We’ve got you Covered! 5 February 2019 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Individual Therapy, Inspiration, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Self Care, Therapy As Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, it’s hard not to notice stores filling up their shelves with chocolates, stuffies, cards and everything pink and red. For those that soak up all the fun, loving, mushy sentiments, Valentine’s Day can be great! But what about those of you who are riding solo this year? Here are 5 ways to help navigate this Hallmark holiday: Check in with yourself.What emotions is this day bringing up for you? Once you have identified if there are any lingering feelings that you haven’t dealt with, you can begin to make space to process them. Whether it’s sadness, loneliness, relief or happiness, what are you feeling? Are you holding on to a past relationship, lover, experience, etc.? What do you need to heal and move forward? Valentine’s Day can stir this pot, so make sure you are being honest with where you are at, and what you need. Check in with your friends.Who else is in the same boat as you? Sometimes it can be helpful to know that there are others feeling the same way. Do you have other single friends that you could connect with? Or maybe even friends that are in relationships that don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day? Think about getting together and going out for a movie, dinner, paint night, dancing, a spa day, a yoga session or a killer spin class. If going out isn’t your thing, maybe you could have a low key night at home, or invite friends over for dinner or to hang out on the couch catching up. All my friends are coupled up, so now what do I do? Do something for yourself!Buy yourself those special chocolates you were eyeing earlier at the grocery store, take yourself out for dinner or order in your favourite dish. Do something that will make you feel good and empowered. We are our own worst enemies, and we can get wrapped up or lost in our own thoughts and self-judgments. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. Remember that you are worthy of love and healthy relationships, but being single can be celebrated just as much as being coupled up; and Valentine’s Day gives you the opportunity for self-reflection and well-deserved me time! Check in with your family.Maybe you could use this day to have dinner with your parents, or to spend time with a grandparent. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Maybe you could babysit them while their parents go out. It could be fun to do cheesy crafts again, or decorate some heart shaped goodies! Limit social media.We all have those friends on our Facebook or Instagram feeds who create over the top posts on how great their partner is, and how loved they are. While that may be something they feel is important for them to share on their platform, it can feed challenging or unhelpful thoughts that you may be experiencing. Social media has the tendency to contribute to our need to compare where our friends are at in their lives and relationships with where we are. So, if you think you may feel triggered by seeing what your friends are sharing on Valentines Day, don’t spend as much time scrolling! There isn’t a clear path to avoiding Valentine’s Day altogether, but there are definitely ways to help you navigate the day and get out on the other side. If you really do find yourself struggling with where you’re at right now and need someone to talk to, you can always connect with one of us here at Bliss Counselling. Do you need some ideas of solo activities, or things to do with friends this Valentine’s Day? Check out these websites for things to do around KW! https://www.ammayoga.ca (Restorative yoga? Yes please!) https://www.hustlandflow.com/home (Kick boxing, spin classes, yoga and juice bar) https://www.socialart.ca (Get your paint on) https://www.dejavusalonandspa.ca (Pamper yourself) https://www.thewatersspa.com (Making me time) https://www.ginaspa.com (Focusing on yourself) http://adventurerooms.ca(Grab a team and try to escape these rooms) https://batlgrounds.com/axe-throwing-kitchener/ (Let it go!) https://www.ctrlv.ca/ctrl-v-waterloo-flagship/ (Whoa!) https://www.cineplex.com/Theatre/cineplex-cinemas-kitchener-and-vip?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=local&utm_content=CPXKitchenerVIP (Drinks, food, movies, sounds like a plan) https://apollocinema.ca (A gem kind of spot) http://www.princesscinemas.com (And they have a café too!) https://www.facebook.com/PatentSocial/ (Super Mario!) https://www.acepingponglounge.com (Ping Pong) http://www.crossroadscafe.ca (Board games) http://www.gamesontap.ca (More board games) Written by Bliss sexologist Lindsay Kenna. Learn more about Lindsay and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here.
Your Sex Life: What’s normal? 19 October 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays We’re inundated with rules every day, and in almost all areas of our lives. But when it comes to the rules of sex, there’s only one: There’s no such thing as “normal” sex. That’s right. It’s a complete myth. Perhaps you may be wondering: Is our sex life normal? These fantasies I keep thinking about—are they common? Is wanting sex this infrequently or frequently natural? Are all these ups and downs in my desire okay? Is it normal to have to schedule sex? The answers, in case you’re wondering, are—yes, normal, natural, and you’re perfect. If you have a health concern, of course, we recommend speaking with your primary care physician. With any medical concerns aside, there’s no normal when it comes to sex, and that’s wonderful news! That is, as long as all parties are able to consent and it doesn’t involve animals. Sex is a key part of our adult lives, and still, it can be a taboo topic in many social circles. As a result of putting sex-talk to the bottom of our lists, we don’t talk about it nearly enough. We need to be talking about sex more. Without conversations about sex, it can often lead to assumptions that leave us judging our sexual activity. It’s common to worry if you’re having enough sex, or too much, or if what you’re doing between the sheets is natural. These assumptions can also lead us into the comparison trap. We assume our friends are doing it more or less than you and your partner(s) are, and that can leave us feeling less than awesome and swirling in a pity party. Know this: whatever you’re doing in your intimate life, it’s healthy and natural. And millions of other people are doing the same. Getting intimate and having sex regularly is healthy, and a big sexual appetite is a sign of high energy, vitality, and sound hormone function. And, if you do discover that you’re having more or less sex than your neighbors, that’s perfectly okay. You get to decide what “normal” sex means to you and your partner(s). Whether you have sex 3 times a day or 3 times a year—it’s perfect if that’s what works for you. The most significant sex challenge we see in our practice within intimate relationships, is when one person wants sex more than the other(s). If there’s a desire discrepancy in your relationship, there are practical ways you can ask for the sex you want. This is also completely natural for our libidos to be more intense during certain phases of our lives, and it will ebb and flow throughout our relationships. Our advice to clients usually starts with clear and compassionate communication. The more you can open up and share your sensual wants and needs in your relationship, the deeper your connection and the stronger your bond will become. Keeping the conversation going about your sex life can help you create a deeper connection with your partner(s), and help you to feel confident in your sensual desires. Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you liked this article you might enjoy these too: 12 Reasons it Might be a Good Idea to See a Therapist Couples Therapy for Preventative Maintenance? Why it Works How to Ask for the Sex you Want in 8 Completely Practical Tips Do you have any questions for us? Or do you have questions about your sex life? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
How to Handle Financial Stress in your Relationship 1 October 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Individual Therapy, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Therapy It’s no secret that money problems can be a huge source of relationship strife — in fact, most surveys report money as the main source of stress in a relationship, and it’s easy to see why. If the money isn’t there, it can seep into every part of your life and affect every part of your day. From grocery shopping, to a friend’s birthday, to what you think about before you go to sleep, money is always there. It’s an incredibly difficult scenario to be in — but new research shows that it affects some of us more than others. Recent research from The Harris Poll and Ally Bank surveyed more than 1,400 American adults about where their relationship stress was coming from. Unsurprisingly, money came out on top. But in an interesting twist, the research found that young Americans were twice as likely as older Americans to say that money was the biggest cause of stress. While 44 percent of the younger adult group pointed to money, only 23 percent of the older adults said the same. With housing prices skyrocketing in recent decades and a pool of student loan debt you could drown in, Millennials are feeling the financial strain far more than Baby Boomers. The most difficult part? Well, as we know, money doesn’t grow on trees. If you’re already stretched to your limit and an unexpected bill lands on your door, there’s no magic fix. But there are things you can do to help keep money stress from wrecking your relationship. Here’s what you need to know: Educate Yourself Many of us are not financially savvy — because we simply didn’t receive the education. For some reason, we spent way more time on the Pythagorean theorem than learning about how to save money or file our taxes (and it’s pretty obvious which one we actually need as adults). If you haven’t already learned how to do these things, then you need to educate yourself. And, if your partner’s spending is stressing you out, remember that they probably need some help, too. “Most of the time, bad money habits come from either a lack of education because this stuff isn’t taught in school — which isn’t your fault of your partner’s,” Priya Malani, co-founder of Stash Wealth, a wealth management company, told Brides. “Seek out education and advice so you can see the financial impact of current behavior on your future self.” This might mean seeing a financial advisor, if you’re in a position to do so. If money’s too tight for that, start by checking out some money-saving websites and basic financial advice. There’s so much available online, so use it! Talk About Money — Think “Little And Often” Talking about money can take on a larger-than-life quality in some relationships. Maybe you never talk about it and you don’t know where to start — or maybe money is so stressful that every time it comes up it sends you both towards a meltdown. Either way, it’s time to normalize talking money. Start discussing it as early as you can in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to be in these huge, awkward conversations. “Little and often” is how you should talk about money, with small comments that bring it up on a regular basis. Whether it’s, “I’m really tight this month, do you mind if we don’t go out for dinner?” to “I really want to sort out my 401k and I don’t know where to start” or even, “I don’t think we can afford as big of a trip this year, should we sit down and crunch the numbers?” These little moments will normalize how you talk about money, so you’ll be in a better position for the big conversations. Look At Your Shared Expenses If you and your partner are serious, it may be time to have a look at your shared expenses. Maybe you each pay for a couple of the bills, maybe you transfer money into a joint account every month. Either way, going through the numbers together and looking for ways to save money — like changing to a new gas or electric company or cancelling that cable subscription you don’t use — can be a good way to open up the conversation about money and make sure you’re on the same page. Start Saving The best thing you can do to relieve your money stress it to start saving — yes, right now. It may not be a lot, it may seem totally insignificant, but it can be something. Even just twenty dollars a month adds up to $240 over the course of the year — which is a nice little cushion to have. If you have the means, putting a little away for retirement and a little away for money for something fun — a trip, a new purchase, or a house deposit — will help incentivize you to save. Focus On An Emergency Fund First Although day-to-day money stress can be excruciating, a lot of the panic and frustration comes in when you get an unexpected expense. The car breaks down, your child needs a filling, or you need a plumber to come and fix that hole that’s gotten way too big — whatever it is, it can be incredibly stressful and throw your entire equilibrium out of whack. If you can get together an emergency fund of even a few hundred dollars (more if you can afford it), you’ll be covered when an unexpected bill hits. Just make sure you replenish your emergency fund as quickly as you can. If money is tight for you and your partner, it’s totally normal for that to be a source of stress — but it doesn’t have to ruin your relationship. Educate yourself about managing your finances and get comfortable talking about money — because that’s half the battle. Written by Bliss therapist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. We know that talking to your partner about money can be uncomfortable, and having a third party to help navigate these difficult conversations can be extremely helpful! Our Bliss therapists are happy to help! Book an appointment here.
Sexy Friday: How to Ask for the Sex You Want in 8 Completely Practical Tips 14 September 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays, Therapy Is your sex life only, “pretty good”? Do you wish your partner(s) would do something a little (or a lot) different in bed? Maybe you’ve fallen into a rut with the same old positions, or your routine looks the same every time, leaving you craving a little variety. Whatever your sensual desires, wanting something more or even completely different is totally normal. Approaching these topics with a partner can feel a little uncomfortable and awkward at first, but the more you flex those communication muscles, the easier it will be to spark a discussion about sex. Know that you’re responsible for your pleasure, so if you’d like to heighten, diversify, or intensify your sexual experience, you’ve got to ask for it! As nice as it would be, your partner(s) can’t read your mind. It’s time to ask for the sex you want. Here are some ideas to broach the topic: Change can be uncomfortable—embrace it! When you maintain the status quo, it can be all too easy to fall into a rut—the bedroom included! In our practice, we’ve worked with many people who have been enduring sex that doesn’t light their fire—sometimes for years, all because they were too afraid to speak up and ask for what they needed. While it may feel awkward at first, we promise you that it will get easier the more you embrace the discomfort—because that’s where you’ll find the most significant growth. Build trust. You may be nervous to ask for the sex that you want out of fear of being judged. At the foundation of your relationship, you should find trust, respect, and open communication. And with a solid foundation in your relationship, you can approach sexual discussions with honesty. If you trust that your partner(s) won’t hold judgments in other areas of your life, then it’s vital to trust that they also won’t judge when it comes to sex. By being courageous and forthcoming in your relationship, you’re giving your partner permission to do the same—further setting the precedent for trust and vulnerability in your relationship. The time and place matters. When you’re in the moment and want your partner to make a quick adjustment—more of that, less of this, slower, faster—that’s totally cool to bring it up while you’re between the sheets. If you’re bringing up an entirely new topic or a potentially sensitive topic, the best time to ask is when you’re not in the middle of sex. Approach the discussion when you’re both feeling relaxed and comfortable—perhaps while settling in for an evening on the couch, you’re out to dinner or going for a bike ride. This way, you can offer your partner a pressure-free environment to process and respond to your request. Even when you’re relaxed, mention that you would like to plan a time that works for both you to talk about your sex life… so you are both prepared and in the right frame of mind to be vulnerable and listen… really hear one another Be crystal clear. Before beginning your conversation, consider if what you’re asking for is clear. Get specific with your request. Instead of asking for “more foreplay,” you could suggest that you kiss and play for 30 minutes before getting down to it. By telling your partner(s) precisely what you’re craving, you’ll leave less room for miscommunication. Allow your partner to ask clarifying questions too—if they need to understand better where your request is coming from, spend the time to help them properly understand. Keep it positive. Approach your sexy requests with positivity. You can try out a “compliment sandwich.” Begin by saying something along the lines of, “I love how good you feel when you’re on top of me. And it would feel incredible for me if we could spend a little more time in that position. I feel so alive when we’re done.” This is a much friendlier approach than only throwing criticisms their way. Make sure you also focus on what’s working great—because you want more of that! Even if you’re asking for what you want while you’re in the act, focus on what’s working and not only on what’s not turning you on. Give more than you get. After you’ve asked your partner for something, make sure you leave it open so that you can return the favour. Ask them what they’d love in bed. What more can you do to enhance their pleasure? For every ask, encourage your partner to make a request as well to keep building those emotional bonds and practicing give-and-take. Show Appreciation. When it’s working well—say so. Notice and express your appreciation where your partner is trying to fulfill your requests. Instead of responding with more demands, first, focus on what you loved and make sure they know that you appreciate their efforts. Your relationship can continue to grow when you both learn to ask each other for what you want and need without condemning them. Practice Makes It Easier Asking for what we crave takes practice. As you start to settle into expressing your desires regularly, every ask won’t feel so awkward or uncomfortable. And remember, if your partner isn’t ready to fulfill your request (yet), be okay with hearing, “no,” and move on. Keep the dialogue going regarding your sex life to make sure you’re all on the same page, and everyone feels secure enough to speak up when the urge strikes. Regularly set time aside to focus on strengthening your bond by building trust and honing your communication skills in your relationship. Make sure you’re having regular heart-to-heart conversations to express each of your relationship needs. As you get more practice expressing what you want, these conversations will start to feel easier to approach over time. Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. Are you a new Sexy Friday reader? We don’t want you to miss anything! Check out some of our previous Sexy Friday blog posts: Sexy Friday: Open Relationships, Masturbation and Sex Toys Sexy Friday: 9 Secrets of Becoming an Epic Lover Sexy Friday: Kink, BDSM and Polyamory
Others Will Treat You The Way You Let Them —3 Keys To Boundary-Setting 10 September 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Communication, Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Self Care, Therapy You know those people, the ones that when you’re having a conversation with them, you find yourself taking a few steps back because they’re all up in your face? That’s a physical boundary that they just crossed. Boundaries are physical and emotional. Think of emotional boundaries like your invisible bubble of how close (or far) you prefer people to hang out in. Our boundaries help define who we are, determine what we’ll put up with, and keep us safe from undesirable behaviour from others. Your job is to communicate your boundaries with others clearly. Your boundaries will vary from relationship to relationship, while you can’t change people, you can encourage them to change how they behave around and interact with you. Halting undesirable behaviour As an example, let’s say your new love interest has been late for your past three dates. You can’t control if they’re late for all their appointments, but you can make it clear that dates with you need to begin on time. The unwanted behaviour is about what’s not cool with you — “It’s not okay for me when people aren’t on time.” Often, people react with their emotions first and respond with complaining, anger, or nagging. They’re often responding in one of three ways; passive, aggressive, or everyone’s favourite—passive-aggressive. A passive response would be to let the unwanted behaviour continue, staying hush on the outside while a storm is raging inside of you. The boundary-breaker is none the wiser and you feel bent out of shape on the inside. If you were responding with aggression, you might counter with blame, or attack them. Imagine lecturing your date with a tirade while you stomp your feet. You look like a fool and they might be completely bewildered. In a passive-aggressive response, you’d be responding with aggression, but your body language would appear non-threatening. Think sarcasm, guilt-trips, and half-smiles. People often engage in passive-aggressive behaviour so that they can be subtle in their attack. It communicates their unhappiness but doesn’t share what they want and need. Instead of reacting, choose to respond with confidence with kindness. You still have emotions around the event and might be angry, and this is entirely okay. It’s your response that you can control, and when you communicate your boundaries effectively and kindly, others will be more likely to hear and respect them. Your intention here is to build or grow a relationship in a way that avoids shaming or blaming your partner(s). It’s not about being right. It’s about the other person changing their actions around you. The next time someone crosses your boundaries, here are some positive and constructive ways to respond: Make others aware of their actions. The offender may not even realize that they’ve offended you, so responding in this way helps make them aware. You could say with your late date, “When you’re late for our dinner dates, I feel slighted.” Ask for what you want. It’s all too easy to think people can read our minds (wouldn’t that be so much easier?) You can ask for what you want calmly and specifically. As an example, you could state, “I’d really love it if you’d arrive for dinner on time, or let me know in advance if you are running late.” Head for the door. If the other person is too emotional to handle a calm and adult conversation, your best bet may be to remove yourself from the situation. If you’ve stated your displeasure and asked for what you want and the response makes you uncomfortable, you have permission to leave. Others treat you the way you let them. This is fantastic news, because you have the power to ask for what you want. Showing others how to treat you and what behaviour you accept is essential to set up healthy boundaries. Don’t be alarmed if some people feel offended. Continue to hold your ground politely. The more you make boundary-setting a habit, the easier and more natural it will feel to you. Written by Bliss therapist, Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you enjoyed this article you might like these too: Sex Therapy Virgin? What to Expect How to Start a Meaningful Conversation About Sex The Power of Me Time Do you have any questions for us, or need some help setting up healthy boundaries? Maybe there is someone in your life who makes boundary-setting a challenge? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here
Sexy Friday: 9 Secrets of Becoming an Epic Lover 24 August 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence; it’s greener where you water it. Where you direct your attention matters when it comes to grass and sex. If you want to be an epic lover, you need to put focused intention on being just that—an epic lover. With your consistent investment in love, attention, and time, your relationship with your partner(s) will grow and flourish. Maybe you’ve heard that great lovers are made? It’s true. “Great lovers are made, not born.” – Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz Becoming a great lover is a learned skill. Do you recall your very first sexual encounter? Maybe you’d describe it as awkward, clumsy, different. Or perhaps it was the stuff of daydreams on the very first go. Either way, becoming a fantastic lover is not only attainable, it’s also very doable. If you want to serve your partner(s), and be a wonderfully, wholehearted lover—here are our favorite recommendations. Please don’t look at this as a checklist, but rather a list of ideas to play with. Get to know (and love on) your body The more you know your body, the more sexual satisfaction you can experience. Start by looking after yourself—body, mind, and soul. Maybe you’ll pick up some new healthy habits such as exercise, nourishing food, taking long baths, and enjoying massages. Keep in mind the voice you use when you’re talking about your body. Both out loud and in your head. Celebrate all the amazing things your body can do, feel, and experience and focus less on negative self-talk. Tune into the desire channel You know which radio stations make you dance and sing in the car, so learn which of your body’s channels get you feeling sensual. By tuning into what you crave and what makes you feel good, it’s easier to go after it in your relationship too. Tell a new sexual story Whether we realize it or not, we all have stories about sex that may or may not be true. Some of these scripts may no longer be serving us. These are messages from our upbringing and past experiences, the media, advertising, and our culture. The great news is that you have the power to decide if these stories will continue to define your sexual experience and write a new sexual story—one that feels good and boosts your confidence. Get your sexy on It can be hard to feel sexy if we’re struggling with old sex stories or a lack of body confidence. Consider, if you were a confident and skilled lover, what would you wear? Where would you shop? What kinds of things would this person say about themselves? Once you have an image of what this sexy person feels, acts, and talks like, consider turning this into your reality to play with your sensual side. You’ve heard about faking it until you make it—this works between the sheets too. Act as if—as if you’re already your utterly fabulous, sexy, and desirable self. It’s not a game of solitary You and your partner(s) are not on opposing sides. You’re on the same team working towards common relationship goals. Avoid falling into the trap of keeping score on what household chores you’ve taken on, who makes more money, or acting as if your partner owes you. This can lead to resentment in the long run. Look at your relationship as a team sport so that you can be aiming for constant improvement, for the sake of the unit. Be a lover you’d desire It’s easy to fall into the habit of leaning back and requesting our partner(s) please us in a particular way. Here’s your permission slip to take the lead and be the person you’d love to love. This is also where being a flirt can pay off. If you love to be flirted with, then embrace being the flirter. Your lover can’t be everything Chances are, you still need various people to fill the many roles in your life. Expecting your partner to fill all your needs for conversation, connection, support, and companionship might be too tall of an order to fill. Keep in touch with your friends, reconnect with your family, revisit an old passion project that used to bring you joy. Random acts of goodness There are so many opportunities to give just a little each day to keep the spark alive. You can leave love notes in sneaky places, go on regular dates, do a chore that’s normally theirs without being asked for help, cook up a favorite meal, or send surprises to your home or their office. Make the time We’re all busy and have neverending to-do lists. We’re never going to be “done” so we may as well focus on the areas of our life that bring us pleasure. By making your intimate relationship a priority, you can help it to deepen. Even if the idea of scheduling date nights and intimacy feels a little funny at first, play with it. By making the time to prioritize your personal life, you’re sending the message loud and clear that you care. And epic lovers care. By placing our focus first on ourselves so that we can become a better lover, we give our partner(s) the opportunity to rise to the occasion and match our sexy efforts. Sounds like a win-win, right? Written by Bliss sexologist, Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Did you enjoy this article? If so, you might like these too: Your couples counselling questions, answered How to keep things spicy when you’re a bit vanilla So your partner thinks you need couples therapy
Couples Therapy for Preventative Maintenance? Why It Works 20 August 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Therapy Navigating the relationship we have with ourselves is tricky enough, add in a partner, and relationships can be downright hard. In a partnership, you’re merging differing backgrounds, stories, possible triggers, preferences, and experiences. No wonder relationships are so much work. In the past, you may have heard of couples going to therapy together to do some repair work on their relationship after something had been “broken.” Maybe there were huge communication issues, abuse, mistrust, or a betrayal. Couples therapy has often had a certain seriousness surrounding it, since it used to be commonly viewed as a last resort to save a failing marriage. Today, however, many couples are happily stepping into therapy together when they don’t have any concerns. Whether they’re partnered, dating, or common-law, these couples are taking a proactive step to help figure out how to “do” relationships better before any problems arise. Couples therapy can help to address any communication patterns that leave us feeling stuck, or keep us from feeling happy and secure in a relationship. Therapy encourages us to develop new and healthy patterns that can help those in a relationship feel more intimacy and closeness with their partner(s). As a population, we’re getting better at looking after ourselves, but relationships can still get the cold shoulder in our long list of rituals we use to look after our appearance, mind, health, and bodies. People may go to couples therapy long before anything “significant” is going on, like marriage or kids. They do this to understand more about each other’s communication styles, and how they can chat about the small stuff before it can become big stuff. You may be worrying that this is a little dramatic. Even if you already get along great, the fact that you’re taking a stand to make your relationship even better tells your partner how much you care. Rest assured that many couples are sitting down on our therapists’ couches to learn to become better as individuals, as a partner, and as a parent or friend. Here are some reasons why attending couples therapy before you think you need to is a great idea: Personal growth If you love a good self-development book or enjoy moving your body, improving your relationship can also help you to grow as a person. Since couples therapy focuses heavily on learning how to communicate better—anyone can benefit from this! You could even think of it as physical therapy, like a regular trip to the gym to help strengthen a particular muscle. Learn to solve conflict efficiently You’re always going to have conflict and problems throughout your life, so learning smart problem-solving techniques sooner rather than later can save you headaches in the long run. And when problems pop up in the future, you’ll have new tools to handle them. Communicate better for a lifetime Therapy can help you learn how to truly listen to each other and understand what’s behind your latest argument. Often, the source of your conflict is something that’s just on the surface and isn’t a true issue. These are skills you’ll take with you for a lifetime of rock-solid relationship success. Feel like part of a team Couples therapy can help you feel like you’re working together as part of a team to create a relationship that feels happy and healthy for everyone. And when you put each other first and prioritize your relationship, this puts the relationship in the spotlight. It’s like a tune-up for your car You may decide that visiting a couples therapist regularly is a fantastic way to check-in with each other and your progress as a couple. You could even look at it as an occasional tune-up, to help keep your relationship working in a way that’s healthy for you both. Many couples decide that engaging in brief stints of couples therapy offers them a chance to check in with each other in a safe space. Looking after your relationship can fall behind our growing list of responsibilities—work, parenting, and being a good friend. When you nurture your relationship, this allows other areas to thrive as well. It doesn’t have to be forever Therapy that is. After some time you may both decide that you’ve come a long way and no longer need a mediator anymore. You could continue setting time aside each week to check in as a couple, and communicating what’s working well and what’s not. The skills and communication tools you have at your fingertips from therapy will serve you for life. When you’re ready, go into couples therapy with intention. Visiting with a couples therapist can help you create a better relationship or give you a clearer vision of the kind of person or people you want to be. If you’re ready to explore the idea of regular couples therapy, get in touch! We’re happy to help you figure out if therapy is right for you. Written by Bliss Therapist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold If you enjoyed this article, you might like these too: 12 Reasons It Might Be A Good Idea To See A Therapist Why You’re Too Tired For Sex & How To Get Your Groove Back 14 Common Misconceptions About Divorce And How That Affects Your Relationship
Sexy Friday: Open Relationships, Masturbation and Sex Toys 17 August 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays It’s another Sexy Friday! This week, catch another episode of Sex Talk with Kelly, where Kelly and her guests talk about open relationships, masturbation and sex toys! Karen joins Kelly again this week to continue the discussion on open relationships, stating that, “We assume that love is finite, but love isn’t necessarily finite”. Karen explains that there are different types of open relationships including swinging, which entails exploring sexual relationships with others, as well as polymaory, which generally involves an emotional attachment that accompanies the sexual component. Jo is also back this week, sharing valuable information about masturbation, encouraging us to “Feel empowered when getting to know your body!” You don’t want to miss Jo’s insightful tips for self-pleasure, and Kelly’s hilarious childhood story! Finally, we catch up on the latest and greatest sex toys with Dianne from the Stag Shop! She shares some of the top vibrators, gels and lubricants, and also emphasizes the importance of a proper toy cleaning system. Keep in mind; the best toy for you is completely dependent on your own personal preference! Want to learn about which new gadgets would be best for you to try? Watch the full episode HERE! Are you a new Sexy Friday reader? We don’t want you to miss anything! Check out our previous Sexy Friday blog posts: Sexy Friday: Gender and Sex Research Sexy Friday: The (Not so) Subtle Art of Seduction Boardroom to Bedroom: C-Level Advice for a Thriving Sex Life Guest Information: Dianne Twitter: @stagshop Instagram: @stagshop Jo Flannery Twitter: @SEXOLOGYMag Instagram: @sexologyin Bliss psychotherapist, Karen Grierson
Sexy Friday: Kink, BDSM and Polyamory 10 August 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays, Therapy Thanks for joining us for another Sexy Friday at Bliss! This week, check out another link to Rogers TV for a Sex Talk with Kelly episode that is sure to WOW you! Kelly invites Headmistress Shahrazad, professional dominatrix and owner of the Ritual Chamber Dungeon in Toronto, Ontario to join her this week. Kelly asks Headmistress Shahrazad to share some advice for individuals who are curious about the realm of BDSM and kink, and also asks her to provide some information about the workshops, events and training schedules at the Ritual Chamber. Headmistress Shahrazad shares that there are a variety of people who are interested in BDSM and kink. Some individuals simply enjoy being tied up in the bedroom occasionally, for others, it is a lifestyle. She explains that all are present and welcome at the Ritual Chamber Dungeon! Later, Kelly speaks with Karen Grierson about polyamory, and later invites Joanne Flannery to talk about how to start a conversation with your partner about opening up your relationship. Karen asserts that although some polyamorous folk do engage in the kink and BDSM community, not all polyamorous individuals are interested in BDSM and kink, just like not all monogamous individuals are interested in it! To learn more, watch the full video linked HERE!! Guest Information: Headmistress Shahrazad Twitter: @ShahrazadTRC and @RitualChamberTO Instagram: @thealchemicalseductress Jo Flannery Twitter: @SEXOLOGYMag Instagram: @sexologyin Last but certainly not least, Bliss Counselling’s very own Karen Grierson!
Sexy Friday: Sex After Kids, Low Desire & Anal Play for Beginners 13 July 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays Welcome to yet another Sexy Friday here at Bliss Counselling! Today we are excited to share with you another episode of “Sex Talk with Kelly”. During this episode, Kelly is joined by Jo Flannery (clinical sexologist), Dr. Martin Dragan (clinical sexologist) and Dianne from the Stag Shop! Kelly and Jo start the episode off with an insightful conversation about sex after kids, explaining that you shouldn’t feel pressured to go back to the same type of sex life that you had before kids. The experience is new; so don’t feel pressured to force something that no longer fits naturally into your life. Later, Dr. Dragan discusses desire, “You don’t go to a movie just to watch the ten minute climax. This should be the same with sex. It doesn’t need to be goal-oriented. It’s about continuously building on the dynamic and focusing on the experience throughout”. Hmm, sounds pretty similar to what Kelly was saying in last week’s Sexy Friday blog post. Great minds think alike! To wrap up the session, Dianne from the Stag Shop joins Kelly to give the 4-1-1 on anal play and sex for beginners, from lube to beads and everything in between! To watch the full episode and get some fun and sexy tips, click HERE! We are delighted that you’ve taken the time to check out our Sexy Friday blog and open your mind to a world of spicy possibilities! Keep your eye out for next week’s Sexy Friday! Guest information: Jo Flannery Twitter: @SEXOLOGYMag Instagram: @sexologyint Dr. Martin Dragan Twitter: @martindragan Dianne Twitter: @stagshop Instagram: @stagshop Do you have any questions for us? We’re happy to help! Feel free to get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.