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Your Sex Life: What’s normal?

We’re inundated with rules every day, and in almost all areas of our lives. But when it comes to the rules of sex, there’s only one:

There’s no such thing as “normal” sex.

That’s right. It’s a complete myth.

Perhaps you may be wondering:

  • Is our sex life normal?
  • These fantasies I keep thinking about—are they common?
  • Is wanting sex this infrequently or frequently natural?
  • Are all these ups and downs in my desire okay?
  • Is it normal to have to schedule sex?

 

The answers, in case you’re wondering, are—yes, normal, natural, and you’re perfect.

If you have a health concern, of course, we recommend speaking with your primary care physician. With any medical concerns aside, there’s no normal when it comes to sex, and that’s wonderful news! That is, as long as all parties are able to consent and it doesn’t involve animals.

Sex is a key part of our adult lives, and still, it can be a taboo topic in many social circles. As a result of putting sex-talk to the bottom of our lists, we don’t talk about it nearly enough.

 

We need to be talking about sex more.

Without conversations about sex, it can often lead to assumptions that leave us judging our sexual activity. It’s common to worry if you’re having enough sex, or too much, or if what you’re doing between the sheets is natural.

These assumptions can also lead us into the comparison trap. We assume our friends are doing it more or less than you and your partner(s) are, and that can leave us feeling less than awesome and swirling in a pity party.

 

Know this: whatever you’re doing in your intimate life, it’s healthy and natural.

And millions of other people are doing the same.

Getting intimate and having sex regularly is healthy, and a big sexual appetite is a sign of high energy, vitality, and sound hormone function. And, if you do discover that you’re having more or less sex than your neighbors, that’s perfectly okay. You get to decide what “normal” sex means to you and your partner(s). Whether you have sex 3 times a day or 3 times a year—it’s perfect if that’s what works for you.

The most significant sex challenge we see in our practice within intimate relationships, is when one person wants sex more than the other(s). If there’s a desire discrepancy in your relationship, there are practical ways you can ask for the sex you want.

This is also completely natural for our libidos to be more intense during certain phases of our lives, and it will ebb and flow throughout our relationships.

Our advice to clients usually starts with clear and compassionate communication. The more you can open up and share your sensual wants and needs in your relationship, the deeper your connection and the stronger your bond will become.

Keeping the conversation going about your sex life can help you create a deeper connection with your partner(s), and help you to feel confident in your sensual desires.

 

Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here.

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Do you have any questions for us? Or do you have questions about your sex life? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here.
If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.

 

 

Sexy Friday: How to Ask for the Sex You Want in 8 Completely Practical Tips

Is your sex life only, “pretty good”? Do you wish your partner(s) would do something a little (or a lot) different in bed? Maybe you’ve fallen into a rut with the same old positions, or your routine looks the same every time, leaving you craving a little variety.

Whatever your sensual desires, wanting something more or even completely different is totally normal. Approaching these topics with a partner can feel a little uncomfortable and awkward at first, but the more you flex those communication muscles, the easier it will be to spark a discussion about sex.

Know that you’re responsible for your pleasure, so if you’d like to heighten, diversify, or intensify your sexual experience, you’ve got to ask for it!

As nice as it would be, your partner(s) can’t read your mind. It’s time to ask for the sex you want. Here are some ideas to broach the topic:

 

  1. Change can be uncomfortable—embrace it!

When you maintain the status quo, it can be all too easy to fall into a rut—the bedroom included! In our practice, we’ve worked with many people who have been enduring sex that doesn’t light their fire—sometimes for years, all because they were too afraid to speak up and ask for what they needed. While it may feel awkward at first, we promise you that it will get easier the more you embrace the discomfort—because that’s where you’ll find the most significant growth.

  1. Build trust.

You may be nervous to ask for the sex that you want out of fear of being judged. At the foundation of your relationship, you should find trust, respect, and open communication. And with a solid foundation in your relationship, you can approach sexual discussions with honesty. If you trust that your partner(s) won’t hold judgments in other areas of your life, then it’s vital to trust that they also won’t judge when it comes to sex. By being courageous and forthcoming in your relationship, you’re giving your partner permission to do the same—further setting the precedent for trust and vulnerability in your relationship.

  1. The time and place matters.

When you’re in the moment and want your partner to make a quick adjustment—more of that, less of this, slower, faster—that’s totally cool to bring it up while you’re between the sheets. If you’re bringing up an entirely new topic or a potentially sensitive topic, the best time to ask is when you’re not in the middle of sex.

Approach the discussion when you’re both feeling relaxed and comfortable—perhaps while settling in for an evening on the couch, you’re out to dinner or going for a bike ride. This way, you can offer your partner a pressure-free environment to process and respond to your request. Even when you’re relaxed, mention that you would like to plan a time that works for both you to talk about your sex life… so you are both prepared and in the right frame of mind to be vulnerable and listen… really hear one another

  1. Be crystal clear.

Before beginning your conversation, consider if what you’re asking for is clear. Get specific with your request. Instead of asking for “more foreplay,” you could suggest that you kiss and play for 30 minutes before getting down to it. By telling your partner(s) precisely what you’re craving, you’ll leave less room for miscommunication. Allow your partner to ask clarifying questions too—if they need to understand better where your request is coming from, spend the time to help them properly understand.

  1. Keep it positive.

Approach your sexy requests with positivity. You can try out a “compliment sandwich.” Begin by saying something along the lines of, “I love how good you feel when you’re on top of me. And it would feel incredible for me if we could spend a little more time in that position. I feel so alive when we’re done.” This is a much friendlier approach than only throwing criticisms their way. Make sure you also focus on what’s working great—because you want more of that! Even if you’re asking for what you want while you’re in the act, focus on what’s working and not only on what’s not turning you on.

  1. Give more than you get.

After you’ve asked your partner for something, make sure you leave it open so that you can return the favour. Ask them what they’d love in bed. What more can you do to enhance their pleasure? For every ask, encourage your partner to make a request as well to keep building those emotional bonds and practicing give-and-take.

  1. Show Appreciation.

When it’s working well—say so. Notice and express your appreciation where your partner is trying to fulfill your requests. Instead of responding with more demands, first, focus on what you loved and make sure they know that you appreciate their efforts. Your relationship can continue to grow when you both learn to ask each other for what you want and need without condemning them.

  1. Practice Makes It Easier

Asking for what we crave takes practice. As you start to settle into expressing your desires regularly, every ask won’t feel so awkward or uncomfortable. And remember, if your partner isn’t ready to fulfill your request (yet), be okay with hearing, “no,” and move on.

 

Keep the dialogue going regarding your sex life to make sure you’re all on the same page, and everyone feels secure enough to speak up when the urge strikes.

Regularly set time aside to focus on strengthening your bond by building trust and honing your communication skills in your relationship. Make sure you’re having regular heart-to-heart conversations to express each of your relationship needs. As you get more practice expressing what you want, these conversations will start to feel easier to approach over time.

 

Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here.

Are you a new Sexy Friday reader? We don’t want you to miss anything! Check out some of our previous Sexy Friday blog posts:

 

 

Sexy Friday: Kink, BDSM and Polyamory

Thanks for joining us for another Sexy Friday at Bliss! This week, check out another link to Rogers TV for a Sex Talk with Kelly episode that is sure to WOW you!

Kelly invites Headmistress Shahrazad, professional dominatrix and owner of the Ritual Chamber Dungeon in Toronto, Ontario to join her this week. Kelly asks Headmistress Shahrazad to share some advice for individuals who are curious about the realm of BDSM and kink, and also asks her to provide some information about the workshops, events and training schedules at the Ritual Chamber. Headmistress Shahrazad shares that there are a variety of people who are interested in BDSM and kink. Some individuals simply enjoy being tied up in the bedroom occasionally, for others, it is a lifestyle. She explains that all are present and welcome at the Ritual Chamber Dungeon!

Later, Kelly speaks with Karen Grierson about polyamory, and later invites Joanne Flannery to talk about how to start a conversation with your partner about opening up your relationship. Karen asserts that although some polyamorous folk do engage in the kink and BDSM community, not all polyamorous individuals are interested in BDSM and kink, just like not all monogamous individuals are interested in it!

To learn more, watch the full video linked HERE!!

 

 

Guest Information:

Headmistress Shahrazad

Twitter: @ShahrazadTRC and @RitualChamberTO

Instagram: @thealchemicalseductress

Jo Flannery

Twitter: @SEXOLOGYMag

Instagram: @sexologyin

Last but certainly not least, Bliss Counselling’s very own Karen Grierson!

 

 

Sexy Friday: Gender and Sex Research

 

Let’s talk about sex and gender! This Sexy Friday, we share another brief summary of a Sex Talk with Kelly episode on Rogers TV. Find the link to the full episode below! 

 

This week Kelly chats with Dr. Shayna Sparling from the Department of Family Relations and Applied Nutrition at the University of Guelph. Dr. Sparling shares some of her new sex research with us, explaining that sexual arousal impacts our ability to make decisions, and can even influence us to become bigger risk-takers! She explains that when we are sexually aroused we are often more impulsive and display lower levels of self-control, influencing us to be much more likely to say YES to fun things that we might normally be too shy to try! In a moment of sexual arousal, she explains that we are much more willing to let go and focus on the moment.

Jo Flannery and Kelly also talk about gender, covering gender fluidity, proper terminology and more! Are you interested in learning more about what Jo, Kelly and Dr. Sparling had to say? Watch the full episode HERE!

 

Wishing you a very sexy weekend. You never know, this might just be the weekend that you decide to try that new thing you’ve been curious about! 😉

 

Guest Information:

Dr. Shayna Sparling

Twitter: @Shaynagram

Jo Flannery

Twitter: @SEXOLOGYMag

Instagram: @sexologyint

 

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