Your Sex Life: What’s normal? 19 October 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays We’re inundated with rules every day, and in almost all areas of our lives. But when it comes to the rules of sex, there’s only one: There’s no such thing as “normal” sex. That’s right. It’s a complete myth. Perhaps you may be wondering: Is our sex life normal? These fantasies I keep thinking about—are they common? Is wanting sex this infrequently or frequently natural? Are all these ups and downs in my desire okay? Is it normal to have to schedule sex? The answers, in case you’re wondering, are—yes, normal, natural, and you’re perfect. If you have a health concern, of course, we recommend speaking with your primary care physician. With any medical concerns aside, there’s no normal when it comes to sex, and that’s wonderful news! That is, as long as all parties are able to consent and it doesn’t involve animals. Sex is a key part of our adult lives, and still, it can be a taboo topic in many social circles. As a result of putting sex-talk to the bottom of our lists, we don’t talk about it nearly enough. We need to be talking about sex more. Without conversations about sex, it can often lead to assumptions that leave us judging our sexual activity. It’s common to worry if you’re having enough sex, or too much, or if what you’re doing between the sheets is natural. These assumptions can also lead us into the comparison trap. We assume our friends are doing it more or less than you and your partner(s) are, and that can leave us feeling less than awesome and swirling in a pity party. Know this: whatever you’re doing in your intimate life, it’s healthy and natural. And millions of other people are doing the same. Getting intimate and having sex regularly is healthy, and a big sexual appetite is a sign of high energy, vitality, and sound hormone function. And, if you do discover that you’re having more or less sex than your neighbors, that’s perfectly okay. You get to decide what “normal” sex means to you and your partner(s). Whether you have sex 3 times a day or 3 times a year—it’s perfect if that’s what works for you. The most significant sex challenge we see in our practice within intimate relationships, is when one person wants sex more than the other(s). If there’s a desire discrepancy in your relationship, there are practical ways you can ask for the sex you want. This is also completely natural for our libidos to be more intense during certain phases of our lives, and it will ebb and flow throughout our relationships. Our advice to clients usually starts with clear and compassionate communication. The more you can open up and share your sensual wants and needs in your relationship, the deeper your connection and the stronger your bond will become. Keeping the conversation going about your sex life can help you create a deeper connection with your partner(s), and help you to feel confident in your sensual desires. Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you liked this article you might enjoy these too: 12 Reasons it Might be a Good Idea to See a Therapist Couples Therapy for Preventative Maintenance? Why it Works How to Ask for the Sex you Want in 8 Completely Practical Tips Do you have any questions for us? Or do you have questions about your sex life? We’re happy to help! Get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
Sexy Friday: How to Ask for the Sex You Want in 8 Completely Practical Tips 14 September 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays, Therapy Is your sex life only, “pretty good”? Do you wish your partner(s) would do something a little (or a lot) different in bed? Maybe you’ve fallen into a rut with the same old positions, or your routine looks the same every time, leaving you craving a little variety. Whatever your sensual desires, wanting something more or even completely different is totally normal. Approaching these topics with a partner can feel a little uncomfortable and awkward at first, but the more you flex those communication muscles, the easier it will be to spark a discussion about sex. Know that you’re responsible for your pleasure, so if you’d like to heighten, diversify, or intensify your sexual experience, you’ve got to ask for it! As nice as it would be, your partner(s) can’t read your mind. It’s time to ask for the sex you want. Here are some ideas to broach the topic: Change can be uncomfortable—embrace it! When you maintain the status quo, it can be all too easy to fall into a rut—the bedroom included! In our practice, we’ve worked with many people who have been enduring sex that doesn’t light their fire—sometimes for years, all because they were too afraid to speak up and ask for what they needed. While it may feel awkward at first, we promise you that it will get easier the more you embrace the discomfort—because that’s where you’ll find the most significant growth. Build trust. You may be nervous to ask for the sex that you want out of fear of being judged. At the foundation of your relationship, you should find trust, respect, and open communication. And with a solid foundation in your relationship, you can approach sexual discussions with honesty. If you trust that your partner(s) won’t hold judgments in other areas of your life, then it’s vital to trust that they also won’t judge when it comes to sex. By being courageous and forthcoming in your relationship, you’re giving your partner permission to do the same—further setting the precedent for trust and vulnerability in your relationship. The time and place matters. When you’re in the moment and want your partner to make a quick adjustment—more of that, less of this, slower, faster—that’s totally cool to bring it up while you’re between the sheets. If you’re bringing up an entirely new topic or a potentially sensitive topic, the best time to ask is when you’re not in the middle of sex. Approach the discussion when you’re both feeling relaxed and comfortable—perhaps while settling in for an evening on the couch, you’re out to dinner or going for a bike ride. This way, you can offer your partner a pressure-free environment to process and respond to your request. Even when you’re relaxed, mention that you would like to plan a time that works for both you to talk about your sex life… so you are both prepared and in the right frame of mind to be vulnerable and listen… really hear one another Be crystal clear. Before beginning your conversation, consider if what you’re asking for is clear. Get specific with your request. Instead of asking for “more foreplay,” you could suggest that you kiss and play for 30 minutes before getting down to it. By telling your partner(s) precisely what you’re craving, you’ll leave less room for miscommunication. Allow your partner to ask clarifying questions too—if they need to understand better where your request is coming from, spend the time to help them properly understand. Keep it positive. Approach your sexy requests with positivity. You can try out a “compliment sandwich.” Begin by saying something along the lines of, “I love how good you feel when you’re on top of me. And it would feel incredible for me if we could spend a little more time in that position. I feel so alive when we’re done.” This is a much friendlier approach than only throwing criticisms their way. Make sure you also focus on what’s working great—because you want more of that! Even if you’re asking for what you want while you’re in the act, focus on what’s working and not only on what’s not turning you on. Give more than you get. After you’ve asked your partner for something, make sure you leave it open so that you can return the favour. Ask them what they’d love in bed. What more can you do to enhance their pleasure? For every ask, encourage your partner to make a request as well to keep building those emotional bonds and practicing give-and-take. Show Appreciation. When it’s working well—say so. Notice and express your appreciation where your partner is trying to fulfill your requests. Instead of responding with more demands, first, focus on what you loved and make sure they know that you appreciate their efforts. Your relationship can continue to grow when you both learn to ask each other for what you want and need without condemning them. Practice Makes It Easier Asking for what we crave takes practice. As you start to settle into expressing your desires regularly, every ask won’t feel so awkward or uncomfortable. And remember, if your partner isn’t ready to fulfill your request (yet), be okay with hearing, “no,” and move on. Keep the dialogue going regarding your sex life to make sure you’re all on the same page, and everyone feels secure enough to speak up when the urge strikes. Regularly set time aside to focus on strengthening your bond by building trust and honing your communication skills in your relationship. Make sure you’re having regular heart-to-heart conversations to express each of your relationship needs. As you get more practice expressing what you want, these conversations will start to feel easier to approach over time. Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. Are you a new Sexy Friday reader? We don’t want you to miss anything! Check out some of our previous Sexy Friday blog posts: Sexy Friday: Open Relationships, Masturbation and Sex Toys Sexy Friday: 9 Secrets of Becoming an Epic Lover Sexy Friday: Kink, BDSM and Polyamory
Sexy Friday: 9 Secrets of Becoming an Epic Lover 24 August 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence; it’s greener where you water it. Where you direct your attention matters when it comes to grass and sex. If you want to be an epic lover, you need to put focused intention on being just that—an epic lover. With your consistent investment in love, attention, and time, your relationship with your partner(s) will grow and flourish. Maybe you’ve heard that great lovers are made? It’s true. “Great lovers are made, not born.” – Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz Becoming a great lover is a learned skill. Do you recall your very first sexual encounter? Maybe you’d describe it as awkward, clumsy, different. Or perhaps it was the stuff of daydreams on the very first go. Either way, becoming a fantastic lover is not only attainable, it’s also very doable. If you want to serve your partner(s), and be a wonderfully, wholehearted lover—here are our favorite recommendations. Please don’t look at this as a checklist, but rather a list of ideas to play with. Get to know (and love on) your body The more you know your body, the more sexual satisfaction you can experience. Start by looking after yourself—body, mind, and soul. Maybe you’ll pick up some new healthy habits such as exercise, nourishing food, taking long baths, and enjoying massages. Keep in mind the voice you use when you’re talking about your body. Both out loud and in your head. Celebrate all the amazing things your body can do, feel, and experience and focus less on negative self-talk. Tune into the desire channel You know which radio stations make you dance and sing in the car, so learn which of your body’s channels get you feeling sensual. By tuning into what you crave and what makes you feel good, it’s easier to go after it in your relationship too. Tell a new sexual story Whether we realize it or not, we all have stories about sex that may or may not be true. Some of these scripts may no longer be serving us. These are messages from our upbringing and past experiences, the media, advertising, and our culture. The great news is that you have the power to decide if these stories will continue to define your sexual experience and write a new sexual story—one that feels good and boosts your confidence. Get your sexy on It can be hard to feel sexy if we’re struggling with old sex stories or a lack of body confidence. Consider, if you were a confident and skilled lover, what would you wear? Where would you shop? What kinds of things would this person say about themselves? Once you have an image of what this sexy person feels, acts, and talks like, consider turning this into your reality to play with your sensual side. You’ve heard about faking it until you make it—this works between the sheets too. Act as if—as if you’re already your utterly fabulous, sexy, and desirable self. It’s not a game of solitary You and your partner(s) are not on opposing sides. You’re on the same team working towards common relationship goals. Avoid falling into the trap of keeping score on what household chores you’ve taken on, who makes more money, or acting as if your partner owes you. This can lead to resentment in the long run. Look at your relationship as a team sport so that you can be aiming for constant improvement, for the sake of the unit. Be a lover you’d desire It’s easy to fall into the habit of leaning back and requesting our partner(s) please us in a particular way. Here’s your permission slip to take the lead and be the person you’d love to love. This is also where being a flirt can pay off. If you love to be flirted with, then embrace being the flirter. Your lover can’t be everything Chances are, you still need various people to fill the many roles in your life. Expecting your partner to fill all your needs for conversation, connection, support, and companionship might be too tall of an order to fill. Keep in touch with your friends, reconnect with your family, revisit an old passion project that used to bring you joy. Random acts of goodness There are so many opportunities to give just a little each day to keep the spark alive. You can leave love notes in sneaky places, go on regular dates, do a chore that’s normally theirs without being asked for help, cook up a favorite meal, or send surprises to your home or their office. Make the time We’re all busy and have neverending to-do lists. We’re never going to be “done” so we may as well focus on the areas of our life that bring us pleasure. By making your intimate relationship a priority, you can help it to deepen. Even if the idea of scheduling date nights and intimacy feels a little funny at first, play with it. By making the time to prioritize your personal life, you’re sending the message loud and clear that you care. And epic lovers care. By placing our focus first on ourselves so that we can become a better lover, we give our partner(s) the opportunity to rise to the occasion and match our sexy efforts. Sounds like a win-win, right? Written by Bliss sexologist, Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Did you enjoy this article? If so, you might like these too: Your couples counselling questions, answered How to keep things spicy when you’re a bit vanilla So your partner thinks you need couples therapy
Sexy Friday: Open Relationships, Masturbation and Sex Toys 17 August 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays It’s another Sexy Friday! This week, catch another episode of Sex Talk with Kelly, where Kelly and her guests talk about open relationships, masturbation and sex toys! Karen joins Kelly again this week to continue the discussion on open relationships, stating that, “We assume that love is finite, but love isn’t necessarily finite”. Karen explains that there are different types of open relationships including swinging, which entails exploring sexual relationships with others, as well as polymaory, which generally involves an emotional attachment that accompanies the sexual component. Jo is also back this week, sharing valuable information about masturbation, encouraging us to “Feel empowered when getting to know your body!” You don’t want to miss Jo’s insightful tips for self-pleasure, and Kelly’s hilarious childhood story! Finally, we catch up on the latest and greatest sex toys with Dianne from the Stag Shop! She shares some of the top vibrators, gels and lubricants, and also emphasizes the importance of a proper toy cleaning system. Keep in mind; the best toy for you is completely dependent on your own personal preference! Want to learn about which new gadgets would be best for you to try? Watch the full episode HERE! Are you a new Sexy Friday reader? We don’t want you to miss anything! Check out our previous Sexy Friday blog posts: Sexy Friday: Gender and Sex Research Sexy Friday: The (Not so) Subtle Art of Seduction Boardroom to Bedroom: C-Level Advice for a Thriving Sex Life Guest Information: Dianne Twitter: @stagshop Instagram: @stagshop Jo Flannery Twitter: @SEXOLOGYMag Instagram: @sexologyin Bliss psychotherapist, Karen Grierson
Sexy Friday: Kink, BDSM and Polyamory 10 August 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays, Therapy Thanks for joining us for another Sexy Friday at Bliss! This week, check out another link to Rogers TV for a Sex Talk with Kelly episode that is sure to WOW you! Kelly invites Headmistress Shahrazad, professional dominatrix and owner of the Ritual Chamber Dungeon in Toronto, Ontario to join her this week. Kelly asks Headmistress Shahrazad to share some advice for individuals who are curious about the realm of BDSM and kink, and also asks her to provide some information about the workshops, events and training schedules at the Ritual Chamber. Headmistress Shahrazad shares that there are a variety of people who are interested in BDSM and kink. Some individuals simply enjoy being tied up in the bedroom occasionally, for others, it is a lifestyle. She explains that all are present and welcome at the Ritual Chamber Dungeon! Later, Kelly speaks with Karen Grierson about polyamory, and later invites Joanne Flannery to talk about how to start a conversation with your partner about opening up your relationship. Karen asserts that although some polyamorous folk do engage in the kink and BDSM community, not all polyamorous individuals are interested in BDSM and kink, just like not all monogamous individuals are interested in it! To learn more, watch the full video linked HERE!! Guest Information: Headmistress Shahrazad Twitter: @ShahrazadTRC and @RitualChamberTO Instagram: @thealchemicalseductress Jo Flannery Twitter: @SEXOLOGYMag Instagram: @sexologyin Last but certainly not least, Bliss Counselling’s very own Karen Grierson!
Sexy Friday: Gender and Sex Research 3 August 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays, Therapy, Uncategorised Let’s talk about sex and gender! This Sexy Friday, we share another brief summary of a Sex Talk with Kelly episode on Rogers TV. Find the link to the full episode below! This week Kelly chats with Dr. Shayna Sparling from the Department of Family Relations and Applied Nutrition at the University of Guelph. Dr. Sparling shares some of her new sex research with us, explaining that sexual arousal impacts our ability to make decisions, and can even influence us to become bigger risk-takers! She explains that when we are sexually aroused we are often more impulsive and display lower levels of self-control, influencing us to be much more likely to say YES to fun things that we might normally be too shy to try! In a moment of sexual arousal, she explains that we are much more willing to let go and focus on the moment. Jo Flannery and Kelly also talk about gender, covering gender fluidity, proper terminology and more! Are you interested in learning more about what Jo, Kelly and Dr. Sparling had to say? Watch the full episode HERE! Wishing you a very sexy weekend. You never know, this might just be the weekend that you decide to try that new thing you’ve been curious about! 😉 Guest Information: Dr. Shayna Sparling Twitter: @Shaynagram Jo Flannery Twitter: @SEXOLOGYMag Instagram: @sexologyint
Boardroom To Bedroom: C-level Advice For A Thriving Sex Life 27 July 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays, Therapy You can have it all. Including (and especially) between the sheets. We believe everyone deserves a great, passionate, loving, caring connection with their partners. As a society, we’re failing at this. We’ve spent thousands of hours working with people just like you who sit on our therapist couches and say they want to want sex again. And they want good sex. What’s going on behind the bedroom doors is just as important as what’s going on in the boardroom—same goes for being a good parent or friend, professional development, and your overall health. If you’re a professional or are running a thriving business, you know that to be successful at any level; you need to have a plan, a vision and a goal. You researched your industry; you see the ladder and know what you need to do to climb to the top. You focus on what’s working well, what isn’t, and what needs to be improved and changed immediately. Climbing the ladder in business is often known to be hard, fast, and relentless. Does that remind you of anything else? AHEM. Like maybe your intimate relationships? Are you aware of the following in your personal partnership? What could go wrong? What you need to work on? When to regularly check in? What your partner really wants and needs? What about your own satisfaction? What do you need to do to innovate? Your life plan needs another pillar—and that pillar is a robust sex life. Can you combine your business intelligence with your emotional intelligence and apply it to your love life? Here are some ideas to consider as you make your way to C-level executive sex: What problem are you solving? The secret to a successful business idea is finding a problem and a solution that people want to buy. As a sexologist, I see this concern often—partners don’t always know what’s causing the problem in their sex life. They wonder, “Where did the desire go? The passion? How can we find a solution?” Often, people want sex with someone who’s fun, connected, erotic, playful. Romance, anticipation, flirting, and seduction are essential ingredients to a thriving sex life. How can we craft a sex life that’s satisfying, fun, and pleasurable for BOTH (or more) of you? When it comes to desire, let’s look to one of the world’s experts. Esther Perel (author of Mating in Captivity and State of Affairs). She says that we have to own the wanting. Partners tend to put the responsibility on each other, but we need to start identifying how we awaken our own desires and understand how we turn ourselves on and off. It can be as simple as exploring two questions: (1) What turns you on? (2) What turns you off? As important as knowing what turns you on, you also need to know what turns you off. For instance, how can you be in the mood if you’re telling yourself you’re flabby? Being self-critical? Or you may feel that you’re just too darn busy—emails 24/7, sleep deprived, and overeating. You’re not alone—we all fall into the busy trap from time to time. Our sexual appetites fluctuate; work, stress, kids, illness, aging parents, and life can all get in the way. Your sexual mission and vision Once you understand your sexual motivations and roadblocks, it’s time to create your vision for your intimate life. Great entrepreneurs are known for their hustle, perseverance, and dedication. What does that mean for your sex life? You’re a professional, and you’re always looking for new areas of growth. Can the business expand? Is it time to restructure? What new market can we explore? How do we grow our revenue stream? Ask the same questions about your sex life and your relationship. Consider where you can grow and where you could use some new experiences. Stay open to restructuring and developing a new routine. What may have started out as hot sex could start to feel tiresome over time. Remaining curious, exploring each other, and redefining your relationship is a sure way to heat up the bedroom. The average person will have two to three committed relationships throughout their lifetime. Some will do it with the same person and some will find new partners. Over time, we redefine ourselves and restructure our businesses, and the same is true of our relationships and sex lives. What works in our 20s looks different than what works in our 50s. Restructuring needs to take place pre and post kids, with a new career, a life transition, or death. Relationship strategy session You have an opportunity to rewrite your story and be a better partner. Every so often, sit down and discuss the strengths of your relationship. Perhaps at an annual summit or monthly huddle to discuss your sex life with your partner. This is a fantastic way to prioritize the intimate relationship in your life. You can ask: Where are we at? How are we doing? What has been good in our lives? Are we meeting essential needs? What’s changing in our lives? Most often, couples wait until a crisis arises before they discuss big topics, but this type of pressurized situation doesn’t always lend itself to the best discussions or solutions. While it’s true that there’s less incentive to change when no tangible “problem” has emerged, there’s also more creative energy. It’s about being proactive. Relationship revenue growth Yes, there are always the big ticket items, but sometimes the small ones add up to BIG growth. Understanding that our sexuality will ebb and flow is essential. Face it, every time you make love, it isn’t going to be all fireworks and earthquakes. (Sorry!) Maintenance sex is key. This is semi-regular, planned sex that keeps the wheels greased and the spark alive. The key here is to make it work for both of you. Think of it like going to the gym. You’re tired after a long day of work and the last thing you want to do is lace up your sneakers and walk through those doors. But once you get started, the blood starts flowing, you break a sweat, and your brain releases endorphins. You walk out of there feeling like a champ every time. You have a shared vision, mission, and values Your shared values about things like money, emotional expressiveness, and power can be the glue that holds your relationship together. You can have a beautiful love story with someone that you only have strong feelings for, and it takes more to create a world with someone. Consider if you spent 20% more time on your relationship instead of your career. We think nothing of spending more time on professional development or personal trainers, going to conferences. Both cost time and money, yet we expect our relationships to thrive with very little of that attention and effort. The value of your relationships quantifies the value of your life—Great sex has limitless value. Your life partner is the person you’ve committed to growing and creating a life with. You’ve built a successful business using your skills and talents—now, let’s use those skills on the most important pillar, your love life. Whether we’re talking about role play, sharing an erotic fantasy, or steaming up the bedroom with a new sex toy, being courageous and taking risks is the key to taking your relationship from employee to C-level executive! Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here. If you enjoyed this article, you might like these too: 12 Reasons It Might Be A Good Idea To See A Therapist Why You’re Too Tired For Sex & How To Get Your Groove Back 14 Common Misconceptions About Divorce And How That Affects Your Relationship Do you have any questions for us? We’re happy to help! Feel free to get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.
Sexy Friday: Pelvic Floor Physiotherapy, Intimacy and Desire 29 June 2018 Bliss Team No comments Categories: Relationship Therapy, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sexual Wellness, Sexy Fridays Hello and welcome to our Sexy Friday blog series, where Bliss Sexologists will share their extensive knowledge on all things sex! With this new blog series, we hope to take you on a sexploration into uncharted territory, guiding and educating you on all things sex and relationships! Within this series you’ll find links to videos from Kelly McDonnell-Arnold’s “Sex Talk with Kelly”, produced by Rogers TV. You’ll also have access to podcasts and other valuable resources provided by our talented and knowledgeable team! We hope you enjoy this series and look forward to your feedback! Let’s get this Sexy Friday started! Today, our blog includes a link to an episode of “Sex Talk with Kelly”, where Dr. Martin Dragan and Jo Flannery join Kelly to discuss pelvic floor physiotherapy, desire and intimacy, and how to start a positive conversation about sex with your partner. Dr. Dragan is a clinical sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality (DHS). Jo Flannery is also a clinical sexologist and marriage and family therapist, and Co-Founder of Sexology International. Kelly and Dr. Dragan discuss the value of combining both pelvic floor physiotherapy and sex therapy in order to help clients improve blood flow and to determine what makes them anxious and/or tense, with the ultimate goal being to increase sexual desire and functioning. Dr. Dragan also emphasizes the value of pelvic floor physiotherapy for both men and women, and the benefits it has on overall physical health and sexual pleasure. Later in the episode, Kelly and Jo have an insightful discussion about the vulnerability that is experienced by many individuals when engaging in discussions of sex with their partner. Jo explains that there are dos and don’ts when it comes to discussions of sex with your partner(s). Most importantly, she articulates that this conversation should never happen during sex, as this is a moment in which you are both most vulnerable. Instead, waiting until you are both in a comfortable space both physically and mentally will ensure that the conversation is productive, not destructive. To hear more advice from Kelly, Jo Flannery and Dr. Dragan, click here! We are delighted that you’ve taken the time to check out our Sexy Friday blog. Hopefully you learned something new and exciting to make your weekend that much more special! Keep your eye out for next week’s Sexy Friday! Do you have any questions for us? We’re happy to help! Feel free to get in touch with us here. If you’re interested in booking your first appointment with Bliss, you can do that here.