If your pillows could talk.

Not tonight.

Ugh, I’m soooo tired. Just let me sleep.

You’re just too tired for sex, and honestly, it’s the furthest thing from your mind and while feeling guilty is hard enough, you wish you had enough energy to have sex. Even just thinking about sex makes you tired.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. How’s your diet? Is it mainly made up of unprocessed, healthy, and whole foods?
2. Are you hydrated? Are you drinking at least eight glasses of water a day? Do you consume a lot of alcohol or caffeine?
3. Do you move your body a few times a week?
4. How’s your sleep? Are you getting enough, and are you sleeping through the night?
5. Are you stressed? Do you have a way to handle your stress?
6. Do you have time to yourself? Do you have a self-care routine?

If you shook your head “no” to most of these, it could be that you really are too tired for sex. Sex is a reflection of your overall health and the more you can look after yourself with healthy habits you’ll be more likely to enjoy your life, and thrive, in and out of bed.

Own your wanting

Now, before you start thinking, “I don’t have time for desire! I have a job to do, a family to look after, stuff to do,” Care taking can be a desire killer, so it’s important to take care of yourself first. Desire has an element of selfishness to it, and to reach orgasm, you have to pause the thinking about everyone else and think about yourself.

Know that desire is owning your wanting. If you desire something, it means you want it. First, you need to know what you want; then you need to be willing to get it. Desire is really a necessary expression of freedom.

Let’s get your groove back! Here are some simple ways to look after yourself so you can look after your intimate needs too.

1. Eat with your energy in mind.

Cut back on or cut out processed food, dairy, and sugar (that includes alcohol too!) Fill up on plenty of water and caffeine-free teas and start eating better-for-you fats like avocado or coconut oil. Within a few days, you’ll feel an energy boost, feel lighter, and your digestion could improve too. All of these factors play into feeling groovy between the sheets.

2. Move it, move it!

When you engage in exercise, you’ll build up your sexual vitality and help release orgasmic feel-great chemicals—serotonin, dopamine, and testosterone, which in turn, revs up your sex drive, gives you more energy and makes you feel happier in your day-to-day life.

It can be hard to find the time in the daily hustle for working out. Even if you don’t go to the gym or participate in a fitness class, simply start making some small changes. You can park far away from the door at work, do some squats or pushups while waiting for your tea to brew, or have a dance party in your kitchen after dinner. Once you start noticing the benefits of moving your body, you’ll want more. If you can make time for a workout at least three times a week, your energy, your body, and your mind will thank you. In general, find a movement practice that feels good for you, because the exercise you enjoy will feel the best for your body and mind and will be more likely to actually happen!

3. Find some zzz’s.

I know, easier said than done, right? There could be any number of things affecting your sleep. If you have trouble going to bed at a decent hour, consider trying to set a bedtime alarm 30 to 60 minutes before you plan to be in bed. Then, over the next hour, find a bedtime routine that relaxes both your body and mind. Turn the screens off, dim the lights, maybe even light a candle or have a shower and read a few pages of a book. Avoiding stimulants and caffeine after about 2 pm will also help calm your mind so you can get the sleep you need. Also, consider blackout shades or wearing a sleep mask to block out any light from electronics or an early sunrise.

When you make sleep a priority, you’ll also be more apt to stick to your better eating and movement habits as well. It has a huge ripple effect on all of our activities, sex being one of them!

4. Be nice to yourself.

If you’re constantly thinking to yourself, “I’m fat and ugly, who would want me?”—It’s going to be hard to turn yourself on and feel turned on. I often ask my clients, “Would you want to make love to yourself?” Because if you don’t, why would you welcome somebody else to? You aren’t going to value the person that wants you if you don’t feel radiant. It’s not about thinking you’re drop-dead gorgeous in a conventional sense, but, about giving yourself permission to feel good.

5. Get your om on.

In other words, a meditation or mindfulness practice, which is all about diving into pleasure, being present in your body and the moment and slowing down. There’s no need to jump in and force yourself to sit on a meditation pillow for an hour though. Simply begin with just a few quiet moments throughout your day. When your alarm sounds in the morning pause for three deep breaths before you pull yourself out of bed, close your eyes for five minutes when you get into your car in the morning, take your time making dinner and just notice how food feels, smells and tastes. The more you can tune into these little pleasures throughout the day the more you’ll be able to enjoy sex.

Your mindfulness practice can be as easy as sitting outside during lunch and noticing the sun or the breeze on your face, listen to the sounds of the trees moving and truly take the time to notice how those sensations feel.

All of these practices are a form of self-care. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so looking after your needs first will support your needs so you can show up fully in all areas of your life, including sex.

Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “tips from the couch” here.

If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy these articles:

• 5 energy boosting moves to do every morning
• Combatting common desire discrepancy and kickstarting desire
• Meditation has changed my life and the very sense of who I am