How to Handle Conflict in a Relationship | Couples Therapy in Waterloo & Milton, Ontario

Imagine this: You’re heating up leftovers and set a fork on the counter to use once the food is ready. You hear the beep, open the microwave door, and reach down for your fork, only to see it has disappeared. It was snatched up by your partner and placed in the dishwasher while you weren’t looking.

“She always does this. Can’t she see I was preparing lunch? I can’t even be comfortable in my own home.”

Your internal monologue shifts into high gear. Suddenly, you feel resentful as you think back to the last time this happened, and the time before that. Upsetting thoughts and feelings flood your mind and body.

And suddenly, it’s not just about the fork anymore.

If you’ve ever found yourself reacting more strongly than the moment seems to warrant, you’re not alone. Many of the conflicts we experience in relationships are not just about what is happening now, but about the deeper patterns and emotional experiences we carry with us.

The Anatomy of “Striking Together”

First, let’s look at the word “conflict.” It finds its roots in Latin, originating from confligere, which breaks down into con(“together”) and fligere (“to strike”). This evokes images of battle, and rightfully so.

We have all been there: someone does something we experience as offensive, and suddenly we are grabbing our armor and preparing a counterattack. Unfortunately, when we “strike together,” we often end up bruising each other instead of solving the issue.

From a nervous system perspective, these moments can feel charged very quickly. When we feel dismissed, overlooked, or misunderstood, even subtly, our reactions can intensify before we have time to think them through.

Common “Fighting Tactics” in Conflict

Dr. Russ Harris, author of ACT with Love, outlines several common “fighting tactics” we tend to use when we feel under fire:

Springing the Ambush

We bottle up our frustrations for days, avoiding the discomfort of addressing the issue. Then something small gets under our skin and we explode.

Ganging Up

We involve a friend or parent to side with us. Surely, if someone else agrees, the other person must be wrong.

Punching Below the Belt

We use phrases we know will trigger the other’s deeper insecurities, especially when we feel hurt or vulnerable.

Playing the Lawyer

A favorite for those skilled in debate. We use language to twist or reinterpret words to support our point of view.

Exhuming the Corpse

We weaponize the past when we feel vulnerable in the present, bringing up old hurts that were never fully resolved.

Doing the Silverback

Much like a silverback gorilla, we use tone, volume, or presence to dominate the interaction, whether through shouting, shutting down, or intensity.

While these tactics may offer a temporary sense of power, they often come at a relational cost.

The Relational Cost

Does any of this sound familiar?

While these strategies can make us feel momentarily justified, they often leave the relationship feeling strained or disconnected. We may “win” the argument, but lose the connection we actually want.

In relationship therapy, whether working with individual therapy or couples therapy in Kitchener-Waterloo, Milton, or virtually across Ontario, a common goal emerges: people want to feel closer, more understood, and more secure in their relationships.

In the heat of conflict, it’s easy to lose sight of that.

The “Pause and Pivot” Framework

Before you react, take a moment to check in with these three pillars:

Who do I want to be? (The Identity Check)

Think about the qualities you want to embody. Do you want to be someone who is honest, caring, and grounded, or someone focused on being right at any cost?

What is the goal? (The Objective Check)

What are you hoping to accomplish with this interaction? To strengthen the relationship, make a request, or simply express how you feel?

How will I deliver this? (The Delivery Check)

How can you communicate in a way that is clear, respectful, and more likely to be received? Can you approach the issue as something to work through together rather than something to win?

Taking Action in the Moment

Now that you’ve identified the who, what, and how, it becomes easier to respond in a way that aligns with both your values and the kind of relationship you want to build.

The next time you find yourself in front of the microwave, heart racing and a biting remark on the tip of your tongue, take a breath.

In that small space between the “beep” and your response, you have a choice.

You can exhume the corpse of every past kitchen grievance, or you can check in with your values.

Ask yourself:
“In this moment, do I want to be the person who is right about a piece of cutlery, or the person who is kind to my partner?”

When we shift from “striking” the other person to standing beside them, conflict becomes less about winning and more about understanding.

When to Seek Support – Psychotherapy in Waterloo & Milton

If you find yourself stuck in the same patterns of conflict, or noticing that your reactions don’t reflect the person you want to be in your relationships, you’re not alone. These patterns are deeply human, and they’re also changeable with the right support.

Whether you’re in Waterloo Region, Milton, or anywhere across the GTA or Ontario, our therapists offer in-person and virtual options to fit your life.

At Bliss Counselling, we offer relationship therapy in Waterloo Region, Milton, GTA, as well as virtual therapy across Ontario, supporting individuals and couples in building more secure, intentional, and connected relationships.

You can explore working with our team for couples therapy and relationship therapy in Waterloo, Milton and across Ontario here:
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